School Christmas Programs - 2011 - Ty, Addy and Kenzy Edition

Tonight was my three youngest kids school Christmas programs. You know me, I generally keep my head straight and don't notice things around me. Well, tonight I saw some things. Rather than spell it all outwith words and junk, I quickly drew stupid looking stick people to illustrate. I apologize for the terrible art. If anyone from art school is looking at this, don't look at this, go back to wence you came.

Here is Ty's program goodies:

Click it! It's easier to read, dummy.

Here are the twins program goodies:

Didn't I already tell you to click it, dummy?

You gotta read this.

Dear Internetz,

I’ve got such a heartwarming and nice story to restart my blog with. If you consider dealing with Charter for a week, heartwarming and nice that is.  I am not one of those people. Let’s break it down, shall we?

We needed a new line run (ran?) (runned?) (inserted?) into Curtis’s office for his modem upgrade. (The Akerman’s have a severe case of OCD. Obsession with Computers Disorder. It’s fun. And expensive.) So, Curtis calls Charter and sets up an appointment for Friday between 3 and 5.

Don't open that door in the hallway.

FRIDAY

3 – 4:30 pm – No contact from Charter or Tech.

4:45 pm – Curtis calls Charter. We’re next on the list! Tech should be on his way! This is great because Curtis has a Raid at 7 pm so this should give him ample time!

4:46 pm – Tech calls! Say he’s in the Wal-Mart parking lot (SURPRISE!) with his broken down truck. He’s waiting on the money order to come in that his Pappy was sending to get the truck fixed.

4:46:30 pm – Tech tells Curtis if he wants to front the tech the cash to fix the truck, he can be here that night! Curtis wants to resched. (Obvs.) Tech says he’ll be over Saturday morning between 8 and 10 am. Slow Raid for Curtis that night! Less expensive though.

A new battery is all she needs!  Be there in 10! (Years.)

SATURDAY

10:30 am – Curtis calls tech. Tech wants info on job. Says it shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes to complete. However he’s just starting a job at the time and will be here asap!

11:30 am – Tech calls. 10 minutes away!

12:00 pm – Curt shows tech the layout of the castle. Tech begins “My Current Life Situation Using Fuck at Length!”


12:01 pm - Tech tells Curtis – “Blah blah fucking truck.” “Blah fucking dad blah money order blah $85 needed fucking $95.” “Pushed fucking truck home blah blah.” “Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.” “Should be done in 15 fucking minutes. Fuck.”

FUCK.

1:03 pm – Finishes up fucking work. Fucking leaves. Fucking doesn’t close gate to backyard.

1:45 pm – Alexis realizes dogs are gone and shits a brick. Almost literally. I'd call it more like a banana. I'm an artist though. I see things in other things.

2:00 pm – We find dogs in neighborhood.

2:05 pm – Together we remember why this fucking pithole is such fucking fantastic place to live in. It’s the people. And the fucking cursing.

Why Facebook? WHY?

Why yes, I am posting with little mention of the time I've been gone.

Facebook? Why are you changing things? Is it to drive my friends insane? It appears to be working. Their statuses are of all the same terror filled messages. They're all scared of the change. (Not that change! Well, probably that change too. But the Facebook change in this instance.) So I am here to settle the unsettled masses!

Not Facebook's logo. I was just seeing if you were paying attention! Carry on!

You’ll get used to it everyone. Chillax as the hip elderly peeps say! This time next week you’ll have forgotten all about the “change”. But I think you should still keep the other “change” near the front of your mind because that shit is scary. Or that’s what I hear anyhow. Hot and cold at the same time? That’s just another day in my life. Hormonal changes? Call my hubby and kids; they’ll vouch for me.

Grandpa! That's too chillax. And that's a basketball.

Anywho, this is a pretty good article explaining some of the bigger changes: http://searchengineland.com/newspaper-inspired-facebook-layout-will-deliver-more-interesting-stories-a-real-time-ticker-93549

Read that and watch the video. You’ll pick up a lot of info.

We're all hungry for knowledge, Miss. Now I know why I'm not as smart as I could be.

 I'm absorbing information through the wrong part of my body.

Please calm down. Please stop posting about the change. We all know you hate it. We all know that you’ll be over it in a few days. Since you’re sitting at home or on your cellular telephone while on the go, just click around. I’m a self taught computer genius because I can click and read and re-tweak and click, click, click. You’re on there bitching about the change so use that time and learn the new layout and tools. For me? I’ll love you forever!

I still can't get on Facebook.  Stupid changes. 

Has anyone even noticed the changes on Google? Don’t get me started on that! Go start a game of Words with Friends with me I’ll keep your mind off the change. Plus I’m bored.

In case you didn’t know, I had a tummy tuck on May 31^st and this is an update from that surgery! I’m getting sleepy, so I’m making this pretty quick!

1. I had two drains, one got pulled today. The other remains jammed into the top of my hoo-ha. Once it decides to stop draining the blood out of me, it too shall be yanked. Then I will be very close to going swimming.
2. I no longer have to wear a girdle. Doc said I could if I needed it. I threw it in his face and begged him to burn it.
3. He said my skin looked happy and the humongous scar I shall live with was healing beautifully.
4. A few more weeks and the swelling should subside and my new rockin’ bod will emerge. He didn’t mention this, but I could read it in his eyes.
5. I go back in two weeks to hopefully have Drain Diablo ripped out.
6. Oh and I forgot! My new belly button is gorgeous! Even with a few scabs! 

I’m finally at the point where I don’t question what I’ve done to myself! I can’t wait to get some new clothes soon! There’s the short of it all! If you have any questions, I don’t mind answering em!

Stephanie

What I Did On My Memorial Day Weekend - EDGAR...READ THIS!

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Here’s the thing about my mom.

She’s dead. But that doesn’t mean her memories are. I have so many ridiculous memories of my mom. We rarely got along, which makes it tough now, but I deal.

Mom, Me and Dad

Circa 1979ish, I believe.

See, I was a natural blonde!

She was an alcoholic. But she was much nicer drunk than sober, which was a double-edged knife, as you can imagine. She was verbally viscous. But she was very sensitive and certainly had at least a little bit of remorse when her words stung. She was terrible with money. But we never lived like we were poor. We always got what we needed and then some. Of course this also meant we ate a lot of Cap’N Crunch. I ABHOR it now. But that’s okay because it scratches the roof of your mouth anyhow.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4-lung cancer in November 2001. I remember when she called Curtis and I and summoned us to the house along with my brother and her long time boyfriend Al. She sat us all down and laid it all out there. “I have lung cancer.” She didn’t shed a tear. But as I recall I began to sob and my brother did too. I asked her if she was going to fight it. And as the strong woman she was, she assured us she was going to do everything she could to beat it.

What followed seemed like it lasted forever but in the end, it felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. I remember the day she asked us, my brother and I, to shave her head once the chemo and radiation started to make her hair fall out. She never wanted a wig, even when I offered to buy one for her. She sometimes wore bandanas, but she mainly let her baldhead shine. She really pulled it off. I really thought she was so brave to do that. I don’t think I ever could.

I was newly pregnant with our first child during her battle and she suggested I name the baby Eunice. Sorry, mom, I just couldn’t do that. But Curtis suggested we use mom’s middle name for our daughter’s middle name.

I had Alexis Lynn on April 21, 2002. Mom visited the next day. I was royally annoyed that she didn’t come up to the hospital once while I was in labor. Until it finally, years later I might add, occurred to me that she had cancer and that can feel pretty shitty. I assume this of course.

In July she had to call 911 because she couldn’t feel her legs and collapsed. I met them at the hospital and hours later we were told the cancer had metastasized to her spine and there was actually a giant tumor growing on it. They couldn’t operate, they could just help her with the pain and that was basically it.

She stayed in the hospital until September when she finally convinced all of us to let her come home to die. We begged for her to stay in the hospital. We were sure we couldn’t do much at home for her. Steven was only 21 and I had a newborn baby to tend to. Luckily I only lived a mile or so away so I could visit and help out when I could, but Steven basically gave up being 21 to care for his bedridden 47-year-old mother.

My brother did everything for her. They loved each other so deeply as most mothers and sons do. But their bond was amazing.  Luckily Hospice came several days a week and at one point she gathered us again and we witnessed her sign the DNR. It was awful, but it was the right decision. On September 31, 2002 at 5 am, I received a call I’ll never forget. “I think mom just died. I was laying in bed with her and I heard and felt her last breath.” Steven cried.

I raced as fast I could to get there for my brother. What the hells were we suppose to do? A 24 and 21 year old forced to decide what to do after having our mother die. Luckily mom’s best friend and our close friend, Karen lived near. We called her and she was there faster than a jet. She called hospice that then called the ambulance and so one.

One thing I remember is Karen taking Steven and me to a back room so we didn’t have to witness the body bag zipping up. We all three hugged and cried together while business was tended to and finished. She helped us with the funeral and burial. She helped us with the paperwork for the insurance. She started a collection for Alexis’s college in my mother’s name. She was a true gift from God.

I need to thank my cousins for helping so much with her care. We’ll never forget what you did for her and us. We love you so much.

So, remember when you are pissed at your mom for whatever reason, just know that you are lucky enough to be able to hear her voice again. One note - we couldn’t delete her answering machine outgoing message because it was the last sort of physical connection we had to her. I think the tape is still around in a box somewhere. It would be so great to hear it.

So there you have it. The last piece of my mom I have, now in memory form!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

P.S. This might be a reason why I FUCKING hate Mother’s Day. Whaddya think?

P.S.S. Sorry for the sad unbelievably long story. I’ll try to get my funny back on next time.

P.S.S. I realized after all of this, the bad memories I have of my childhood grow less and less prominent in my mind. Suddenly I can look past the shit and see the rainbow. It’s pretty nice, really.



A Drive-By Post

Things my children have learned about me so far in life: 

• The more you ask mommy the same question over and over will guarantee you will get what you want.

• Mommy doesn’t hit when she gets mad, however she will scream like a raving lunatic until she breaks down into a puddle of tears.

• It’s okay to say bad words as long as it’s in a song.

• Mommy doesn’t like us being in the kitchen while she’s cooking but we like to keep her on her toes by running through the kitchen like banshees and occasionally we open the refrigerator and try to eat dinner ingredients. Adjust the menu now!

• Mommy taught us that all the other drivers are idiots and it’s okay for us to yell at them with her. (We’re also allowed to curse at other cars when warranted.)

• When we go into a store, Mommy has decided she will not force us to hold her hand or sit in a cart anymore. She’ll just say, “Goodbye.” And we better get to her or we’ll miss our chance to whine and scream for candy at the checkout. (We always get the candy. She’s so easy. Right, Daddy? * wink, wink. )

• We know a lot of quotes from movies we’ll never see because Mommy and Daddy talk to each with the quotes all of the time. Someday will be able to laugh like crazy people when we say them. Just like our parents.

• No matter how much we annoy, terrorize, scream, cry or whine Mommy will always love us. (Unless we take her food when her back is turned. She really hates that. Just ask our 3-fingered brother, Ty)

Tomorrow I’ll write a little bit about my mother. Which will be hard because it’s the eighth year I haven’t been able to get her a mom themed mug (or beer koozy, who am I kidding?) or a cheesy macaroni masterpiece. Until tomorrow…