Tales of a Housewife

First off…KID UPDATE

Last night, the lovely Addyson or Beans as we call her had a milestone. She was freakin’ out screaming after the other kids had fallen asleep. Turns out a loose tooth was scaring the beejebus out of her. Daddy held her in a nice hug and with a tiny tug, I extracted the meddlesome tooth! She looks so sweet missing that bottom toother! Check it out:

We put the tooth in an envelope and put it under her pillow. This morning she awoke to the smell of a crisp new Abraham Lincoln! 5 smackaroonies! This afternoon she bought a sucker. And then proceeded to drop the thing on the ground and I had to give her my candy. The things I do for my kids.

She also asked if she could put a quarter under her pillow and get the tooth back tonight. Wise girl. Not the sharpest crayon in the box, but she makes us laugh!

In other dental news, thanks to my 3+ years of Ambien use, my teeth have been jacked the F up. So since I quit the Am Bomb, I have had a buttload of reconstructive mouth work. Last on my list was a whitening job. I decided to use one of the at home jobs. I used this one:

I did 5 applications and I look nice! Back to my moneymaking smile. That may be an exaggeration, but I digress. That’s it for my dental updates.

And finally a true horror filled story to end your evening! I went to the TB (Taco Bell, playas) for dinna last night. As I was waiting for the huge order I have to make for my army, I heard Pour Some Sugar On Me. Naturally, I turned it up and mouthed right along. Clearly this order was going to be awhile. Who can spend $40 at TB? The Akerman’s that’s who.

So the end of the song was approaching, you know, when Joe Elliott says, “Sugar ME-HE” and drums drums drums. Well, just at that point, the cashier opened the window to hand me the last bag and I proceeded to forget who and where I was and I sang, “Sugar ME-HE” drums drums drums straight to her face. She stared at me blankly. I apologized, died and then drove off. I was horrified. But at least I gave her a nice story to share with the other TB staff. It sucks that I now have to wear a disguise to get a burrito.

I leave you with the sight I see every time I sit at my computer.

It’s my cat, Spike’s ass. Enjoy!

Love,

Stephanie

Sorry, it's a Thanksgiving story. Sorry everyone.

Well, I had no plans to write anything concerning Thanksgiving today. But something happened at dinner that has forced me to post this. We don't live very close to our extended families, so we stay home for the holidays, heck there's six of us here already, so it's like a big ole group of crazy any way you slice it. So, like a lot of families on Thanksgiving, we all had our plates overflowing with fixins and whatnots and each took a turn telling the others about what we are thankful for. Here's the gist and part of the story that is nice but irrelevant.


Daddy - Thankful for Mommy's hard work at taking care of everyone
Mommy - Thankful for Daddy's hard work and letting us get things we want.
Kenzy - Thankful for Mommy's food.
Addy - Thankful for juice.
Alexis - Thankful for all of her family and friends.


Now onto the point of this story. As we're all taking our turns, Ty is watering up and making the "I'm not going to cry. Fine I will." face. Daddy says, "Ty what are you thankful for?" With tears rolling down his cheeks, he says, "I'm grateful for my family and everyone in my heart." It was so sincere and loving, it made my heart want to bust out of my chest. I said, "Why are you crying, Honey?" And he said, "I'm crying tears of happiness." Then I died. Right there during Thanksgiving dinner, I fell to the floor and died. After a minute or so of death, I decided to reanimate and eat. It was damn good too!


Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!
Stephanie


BTW, earlier this week I overheard Addy and Kenzy talking to each other about what they're thankful for. Kenzy is thankful for ketchup and Addy is thankful for chicken. Definitely my children.

Picking up the kids, I guess.

I take my kids to and from school. I don’t really like the bus schedule, other drivers or humans, so sue me. Anywho, the primary school has a certain way the cars have to line up and wait to be waved in. There’s always a line of cars and it always takes FOREVER. No matter how early I line up, I’m never closer than 10 cars to the front. I really think some people drop their kids off at 8:15, circle around and begin the wait til 2:45. Sort of like waiting for those hard to get Justin Bieber tickets or so I’ve been told.

Well, the numbero uno vehicle is always this piece of crap gold Silhouette van. The driver, can’t make out if it’s male or female since I’m backed up to the state line waiting my turn pulls up to the first spot and their stupid kid is NEVER ready to go. Six or seven cars get their “precious” cargo and squirrel around gold Silhouette who is just sitting there as the paint chips off and probably lands on a seal cub bringing the Earth closer and closer to nonexistence status.

So I roll my eyes, curse under my breath and fumble with the radio knobs. (More than likely the same song is on the only 3 channels this dump town gets in clearly.) Also God forbid your cell phone rings in line. Assistant principal Mrs. Hardass will jump on your hood Duke style and knock that bad boy unto your floor and under your seat. Probably never to be seen again. (We’re not allowed to use cell phones in or near the school, like we’re all sex offenders. Side note, I’m not.)

Well, long story short, our kids school needs a better way for us to get our kids. Guy in the white Neon that’s always in front of me knows what I’m talking about. I wonder if he writes a blog that talks about the lady in the white Aspen that always behind him in line. I wonder if he thinks I’m pretty?

Dinner Time Roundup!

This is the general noise in my kitchen during dinner prep time. The wording is from one child or another. I usually don’t answer any questions, because the question is usually repeated through the whole dinner prep.

(Side note, I pushed the q button and it’s sticky. That’s my life in a nutshell. Something is always sticky.)

What’s for dinner?

And?

And?

And?

That’s it?

What time is it?

Screamed from the bathroom – Can someone get me some toilet paper?

What’s for lunch?

Oh yeah, what’s for dinner?

And?

And?

And?

That’s it?

How long til it’s ready?

Mommy, why is there so much smoke?

Watch me, Mommy.

Watch me, Mommy.

Look at my Barbie dance.

What time is it?

What’s for dinner?

And?

And?

And?

Yuck.

Can I have the red plate?

Can I have red juice?

Wait, is there milk? Ok, can I still have red juice?

What color is that juice?

Is it almost ready?

Alexis said a bad word to me.

I’m bleeding.

Wait, no, I’m just hungry.

Can I eat upstairs?

Will you carry this for me?

Is it bath time?

Do I have school tomorrow?

What’s for dinner?

And scene. Take a break and we’ll pick this up in 5 minutes. That’ll give everyone but Mommy time to shove the food down. Once her butt hits the seat, we’ll start our reorders! And break!

Love,
Stephanie

Bonus Pic! While typing this whole story up, Kenzy got herself some more french toast (breakfast, it's what's for dinner) and helped herself to a heaping bagful of powdered sugar. So as punishment, I photographed it and am blogging it so we can all mock her. Which will probably include lots of ohs and ahs. And probably a few, she's so cutes. Blah. Parents with less than 4 kids are so passe.

A Tale of Saturday

Ha, ha! Curtis and I decided to do the impossible and staged a kids Christmas photo session in our dining room. Listen, we're idea people. We come up with awesome ideas, but we generally fail when it comes to putting the idea into action.

As is our game, we had great photo ideas. We put up a big white sheet in the dining room, pulled the wooden chest in as a prop and dressed the children lovingly. I even curled all the girls hair and put a little glitz on their faces. Curtis began the shooting as I played stylist and lint remover. It all seemed to be going fairly well.

Then the spirit of the Akerman's arose and it was failing. Just failing into belly laughs and fighting for the camera. Needless to say, we have an appointment Wednesday at Sears to allow specialists to have a crack at our kin. We were able to pull one hilarious photo that shows perfectly what we deal with on the daily. So if you want to own your very own original Akerman Christmas Card Version 20.10, shoot me your addy and I'll snail one to you. I'll even sign it! Makes it worth significantly less!

Oh and for those of you who just want to see the picture and not have it mailed to you, you have to wait! Once I get all the photos out and feel they've reached their new homes, I'll post the masterpiece on this blog!

Love,
Stephanie

Update! Update! Update!

Brazilin blowout update! Well, it’s been 3 weeks since I had the blowout and it’s FANTASTIC! I have always had unruly, insane hair. It’s always been dry (from over processing), thick and has a weird half wave thing that was horrible. Even flat ironing it for an hour wouldn’t help.

I wasn’t expecting too much, I’ve been pretty unlucky in the hair department. But this process is amazing. I can let my hair air-dry. I can fall asleep with wet hair. I could completely ignore my hair. And yet it looks like I spent all day flat ironing it. It’s soft and never tangles any more. I’m so over the moon! I promise to put some pictures up soon. I just hate having to be in them!

So yes, I highly recommend the brazilin blowout. I don’t care if it’s got poison in it, I’ll be doing this every 3 months for the rest of my life! The only downside I’ve found is I have to wash it everyday. That may sound weird, but because my hair was so dry in the past, I had to let a day or two go before I would wash to help combat that. But the blowout seems like oil and whatever goes in my hair sits on the hair, it doesn’t absorb it. So there’s my glowing testimonial.

I’ll leave you with this: an actual sentence from Ty’s daily chart from school. “While on our walk, Ty pulled down his pants and yelled, “Do you see why my butt itches?” Yes, he said that to his assistant in school. I had to discuss the importance of keeping our pants on. The life of an Akerman is always interesting.

Love,

Stephanie

Lesson Learned!

When will I learn? Every time the kids ask for popcorn for their evening snack I want to say no. No because giving my kids popcorn is like giving blindfolded chimps a bucket of paint and then asking them to not spill a drop while painting the room. My kids get a bowl of popcorn and they turn into Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man from Family Guy. Popcorn goes everywhere but in their word holes. It’s insane.

I could never work in a movie theatre. (Well, I could but, I’m neither 16 or 90.) Popcorn gets ground into everything. I hate popcorn! But the dumb kids love it and it keeps them full for their evening slumber. Since I’ve grown accustom to their happy faces, I always give in.

Like it was written in the script, Addyson had her popcorn long enough to make to her bedroom doorway before she flipped it. Good news though, I actually love vacuuming now. Because the love of my life does such a great job. I never knew love like this before! I love you, Dyson. Thanks for all of your hard work. Hope you enjoyed your popcorn, you’re so tidy with it.

Love Always and Forever,

Stephanie