JcPenney...I think I love you!

I’m not a bargain shopper. I don’t mind paying too much for things, just ask my husband. Sure I love when I accidentally get a good deal. For instance when something rings up for less than expected, I get a kick out of it. I do watch for clearance areas, but I think that’s just common behavior by mammals that shop.

So Curtis has wanted some new work shoes, but he is not a shopper. Since I LOVE to shop, I got the specs on the wanted kicks and went store to store in search of them. Perhaps I would have had a better chance in finding Bigfoot. Living in a small town leaves few places to find specific items. Especially those of the higher price range. After doing a location search online, I discovered that the shoes might be found at JcPenney’s in our “mall”. On to Penney’s!

I went straight to the shoe department, bypassing rows and rows of clearance racks. It took everything out of me not to stop. No shoes. Well, there were shoes, just not the ones my love wished for. Well, I certainly can’t leave any store empty handed, for that is insane. After wandering around and piling clothes upon my tiny arms, I was ready to check out! I got the following:

• 4 Cashmere Sweaters for the Twins
• 2 Carters Footie PJ’s for the Twins
• 1 Pair of Khaki’s for Alexis
• 1 Sweater Dress for Alexis

I spent $20.17 and saved $216.18!!

This about sent me over the edge. I came home and shared all the excitement with the family. I was so pumped up, I went back up there and spent another $24 and saved like $54. That night I was dreaming of the deals I got. I was even day-dreaming about JCPenney’s all day. Even when I had dangerous chemicals on my head for my hair straightening appointment, I just kept thinking about those red stickers.

Soooo, naturally after I got all the kids home from school, I dropped them off with Dad and went BACK TO PENNEY’S! And this was my haul on the third trip:

• 2 Skirts for the Twins
• 2 Leggings for the Twins
• 4 Cashmere Sweaters for the Twins
• 2 Long Sleeved Blouses
• 2 Lacey Tutu Tops for the Twins
• A Pink Polo Shirt for Alexis
• A Long Sleeved Blouse for Alexis

I spent $43.41 and saved $263.49!!!!!

I about fainted! Fainted from ecstasy! Now I know it looks like the guys in the house didn’t get anything. However that’s just not true! In the middle trip they each got a shirt and I also bought Ty-man 2 shirts today at Wal-Mart because I felt bad. He’s a dude though and couldn’t have cared less about the clothes. So that’s my awesome shopping trip!

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. Curtis did end up with his shoes, so the story has a very happy ending! *winksies*

What I Did Today

Well, today I’m going to get a little personal with my life. I won’t divulge too much, but I’ll share a little more than normal. I’ve decided to see a psychiatrist to deal with some issues I’ve had all my life. I won’t go into them, because it’s boring and there’s no need to dump on anyone else unless I have to pay them. So without going into my details, I would like to share what I can.

Prior to any real help, I had to have an orientation type meeting several weeks ago. Then today I had a quick Q & A with a therapist. After this meeting another meeting was scheduled with her and an appointment was made for a meeting with an  actual psychiatrist. Apparently people with advanced degrees like to have meetings. Whateves, I’m down with whatever as long as I gets what I needs.

First of all, at the original orientation there were 5 of us if I remember correctly. And while we were waiting together to be called back into the first of a zillion meetings, there was a general consensus among us all. We were all side-eyeing each other wondering what the hell was causing the crazy in each of us. I wonder what people thought I was there for. I won’t tell you what I thought of the others, but they were clearly plum loco.

So on to today! I sat in the main waiting room with 3 other “ladies”. One of them was probably no older than 20 and she was quietly texting in the corner, so I paid her little attention. Too normal for me. Another “lady” was probably only 40ish, but looked like late 50’s and coughed like an elderly dog on death row. She didn’t really hold my attention either. Boy howdy did “lady” numero three make my drive to Centralia worth it!

First of all, she about took me down in order to beat me to the sign in sheet. Then I heard this angel speak. It was like Jesus whispering in my ear. Or maybe it was like Momma from “Throw Momma From the Train” on a rough day. The cherry on the cigarette was that she would randomly bark out curse words to no one in particular every minute or two. I was more than thrilled when my name was called first.

I don’t know what the hell my therapist was up to, but when I walked into her office I thought I walked into my Grandma’s crib as a kid. The furniture looked like she inherited her great-grandmothers suite. By that I mean it was clean and pristine but the pattern…old lady floral. And Christ on a cracker it was at least 95 degrees in there. She was getting the truth out even if she had to sweat it out of me. I truly expected her to drop a spotlight in my face and ask me where I was on January 3, 2011. (Truth be told, I ain’t tellin’ anyone where I was on January 3, 2011!)

Final thought: I know for a fact that I will NEVER run into any of the “ladies” in a dental office. Zing!

Love,

Stephanie

A Day of Geese

This Saturday the weather was not nose hair freezing cold. Sure it was chilly, but not terrible. I thought it would be fun to go to our local park and feed the winter geese. I’ve been saving bread crusts from peanut butter and jelly sammys; the butt ends from loaves of bread and hot dog buns.

So we bundled all of the kids up and ventured out. Curtis was shocked to see such a massive flock of geese, seagulls and ducks. I wasn’t shocked, but I rarely am anyhow. Next we shared all of the bread fixin’s with our new friends. At one point, an elderly man saddled up to Curtis and began to talk old people style. Apparently we were in the midst of a local celebrity.

You see, he used to be the park warden and probably uses that line to pick up elderly ladies. Curtis seemed impressed and maybe just maybe, started to fall for him. Luckily I was there to save the day and Mr. Park Ranger went along on to his next set of elderly ears.

 

Long story short…The Akerman’s fed geese, ducks and seagulls today and we all had so much fun. We met a handy capable goose that looked like the Elephant Man. His lower beak appeared to be broken. He was still able to eat some bread extra’s and seemed to be handling his birth defect with class and grace, unlike the other rambunctious birds who looked like drunk college kids at a keger. He held his own and probably got the most bread. Good for you, Physical Therapist Patient Goose. Dance like it’s the last dance. Yeah man. Here are a few shots of the fun we had:

Naturally, towards the end of our fun Ty tried to get super close to one of the ducks and proceeded to slide down a tiny hill and was covered in mud and I’d guess poultry waste. Luckily we had lots of bags to put his clothes in for the ride home. Check it out:

He cleaned up and was good to go. It was such a good time. I’m so glad we went. It’s always so nice to spend time with all of the kids and the husband. Getting the kids back into the SUV to go home was the worst part of the day. But I lived to tell about it and you enjoyed it! We’re a great team, you and me!

Love,

Stephanie

A Basketful of Childhood

Christmas with my side of the family was just lovely. They are very sweet, kind and generous people. I have no idea why they like me; I’m the polar opposite of them…when I’m not around them. When surrounded by them, I’m a different person. Ask my husband. Ask my kids. I have two different personalities. Well, two that I currently claim. There’s more, but that’s a story for another day.

So I got some great gifts from my family. My iPod! Some gift cards! Trash Bags! (These are amazing trash bags. Trust me! Great for holiday gift giving. If you’re giving them to me!) As a bonus, I got something special from my dad. He’s getting ready to put my part-time childhood house on the market, so he’s finding treasures of raising two children. He handed me a white basket full of items that were placed there by me as a child – well teenager at most. So I give you the basket of my childhood/teenage years:



1. A picture of my cousin from her senior year in high school – 1997.
2. A small beaded ring that I made when I went through a make my own jewelry phase.
3. Cover Girl Peachy blush.
4. Disposable Razor – Unused thank God!
5. A cough drop and Smartie wrapper.
6. Weird comb.
7. Sweet hair pick.
8. Bristle hair brush. BONUS – Free Hair Included!
9. Surgical scissors. What the hell?
10. Roll of tape.
11. Post It with a JcPenney Account.
12. Student ticket for the 10:15 showing of The Relic on 01/10/97 at Northwest 9. I guess I had a death wish.
13. This is the BEST thing! A tag for a 3X sized piece of clothing purchased at VENTURE! See the up close pic for more dets!
14. A gas receipt. Check out the big pic for some interesting info!
15. A checkbook that was for a shared account between my deceased mom and myself. As I thumbed through that bad boy I found my check to Washington University early application for $50. Worst $50 I ever spent.
16. A keychain for my future college – University of Missouri St. Louis.
17. A small safety pin.
18. A clip.
19. $0.38 in pennies.
20. The basket that I kept all of these cherished possessions in. Sadly the basket was in cherry condition when my dad handed it to me. 10 minutes in my home and the thing is destroyed.
21. A sweet ballpoint pen. Always my favorite!
22. A Perfection curling iron. Since I now process my hair to stick straight, I would be happy to send this lil gem to a new home!
23. 2 Avon Cool Confidence Baby Powder Scent Roll-On Anti-Perspirant Deodorant. By the way, one is empty and one is full. Why would I not through that one away? Why won't I throw them both away now?
24. Some trash from a tissue box. It appears I’ve always enjoyed Soft’n Gentle. I’m not a Hard’n Rough kinda girl. At least not with my tissues. Za-zing!
25. 3oz jar of Walgreens brand Decongestant Vaporizing Rub.

The receipt from the local Citgo shows that I paid $1.13 a gallon for gas. My total was a whopping $10.00! If I can fill up the SUV for under $60, I don’t sob…as much.



Okay, this is my FAVORITE! This is a tag for some sort of clothing in the fashionable color of ASH! It’s in size 3x! (FYI I’m now a 6/8! Not bragging, just saying. Screw it…I’m bragging! Hey did you hear I’m a 6/8 now? It’s true!!) And finally the clothing purchase was made at VENTURE! The store that no longer exists! Perfect. Just perfect.

So there is my life. My life in a white plastic basket.

Love,

Stephanie

Also note, I probably used my mother's gas card for this purchase. Here's a little secret: My brother and I charged the shit out of that gas card. One perk of having an alcoholic mother with fair credit. Unlimited gas station charging! Who wants a Slim Jim? Oh and don't worry about the secret, you don't have to keep it. My mom's dead. So no harm, no foul!

A Recap

Instead of a Christmas letter, I’ve decided to write a “Year-End Wrap Up” letter. And well since I’ve basically shared my whole life on here throughout the year, maybe I’ll just make it a “For the last few weeks I’ve…” letter. Yeah, that seems best.

The kids started Christmas break two days earlier than planned due to that bitch Mother Nature dropping her evil snow. And thanks to the yokels in charge of my town, no streets were plowed. Even though we had a good week of notice of the impending storm, the “officials” or d-bags as I call them, were surprised by the “sudden” storm. So I was able to come two days closer to running away than originally planned.

So Christmas came and the kids hauled it in. That always makes a parent feel good. That is until two days later and the I’M BORED’s start singing. Guess what, kids? I’m leaving. Good luck in life. Well since I didn’t have a full tank of gas at the time and it was still pretty slick out, I stayed. I may regret this if school is called off again next week.

I got my red Chuck Taylors and some moo-lah from ole Curtis. My in-laws gave me an amazing Cuisinart Food Processor. I love it almost as much as I love my Dyson. I use them both all of the time. I always thought I’d be a doctor at 32, but somehow I’m Susie Homemaker. Doctor Susie Homemaker.

Sidenote: How come all customer service reps in the student loan business are slimy? I talked to one this week who gave me great news and I still felt dirty after hanging up the phone. Is it just me?

Back on track. The kids are insane, but I’m way worse. I’m honestly thinking about getting a job to get away from this asylum. That’s pretty crazy right there! Okay, so that’s it for me. I leave you with some things my children have said during their break that has amused me:

Do we have school tomonday (means tomorrow)? – Addy (This question is asked several times a day. EVERY DAY!)

A lady walked in front of us in the store and we had to stop and wait. Then this was said, “Stop Mommy. We need to wait for this old lady to go by.” – Kenzy

While playing his DS, “Can’t you take a hint? It’s OVER between us.” – Ty

While getting dressed and was only in her undies, “Momma, Teacher said Santa Claus sees us when we’re good and when we’re bad.” “That’s true.” Covering her chest, “Well, I don’t want him to see me naked.” – Kenzy (After telling Curtis this, he said that if he had heard it, he would have told her “Santa’s seen better.” Father of the year, folks.

Can you play DsiXL with me, Alexis? – Ty

NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I’M JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE! - Alexis

Ty and Curtis were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors when Ty decided to throw in Volcano. After a few rounds of Volcano winning, I suggested Jesus as a choice. Because Jesus beats everyone. It was well received and now the whole family enjoys an occasional game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Volcano, Jesus. (But never on Sundays, that’s just bad taste.)

Love,

Stephanie

McDonald's - Not Lovin' It

Well, I was going to make this little post all about my kids and their Christmas programs. But something else has come up and also only Ty has actually had his program. So when the others have done theirs, I’ll be happy to critique them via this blog. And don’t worry, I won’t hold back. I may even be harder on them than I would be on the other children of the world. On to the real blog post:

Every once in awhile, after the children have fallen asleep and it’s just Curtis and I awake in the house, we sit on the couch together, turn and look deep into the others eyes and telepathically we decide on magic. So I rushed to the truck to go get a late night meal (or fourth meal for you Taco Bell junkies) for just my beloved and me to eat without having to buy food for the other idiots who constantly ask for eatin’s.

I thought surely at 9 pm McDonalds wouldn’t be crowded. Naturally I was so mistaken. Before I continue I have to say, I think our McDonalds has some sort of radio scrambling thingy, because every time I pull into the drive thru, all my radio stations turn to static. Well, except the am channel that I believe is bouncing around since it’s original airing in 1935. What up wit dat?

Okay, so I go to the M-C’s that has the dual drive thru lanes. Let me tell you something, the residents of Mount Vernon, Illinois are not smart enough to figure out the dual lane drive thru. I had 4 cars in front of me all going in ONE lane. There are 2 HUGE signs that read – Both Lanes Are Open At All Times. But due to the fact that most Mount Vernonians(?) shouldn’t drive more than a John Deere, they certainly weren’t going to be able to figure out something as difficult as a talking box that asks you if you want BBQ sauce with those nuggets.

Finally I’ve made my order, but am now faced with morons who have no grasp of taking turns on pulling up to the window. “Durrr, is it my turn? Who do I pay with these chickens for my nuggets? Can I have those boxes fer a fort?” Jesus, Mary and Joseph, FIGURE IT OUT, GOMER! Now that they’ve received my moolah, I am forced to sit directly next to the pay window with a teenage boy staring at me for 15 minutes. Literally 15 minutes. 15 minutes may not sound like a lot, but try this. I had Curtis do this years ago because he too assumed 15 minutes wasn’t that long. Go sit in your vehicle for 15 minutes. Don’t move and imagine, if you can, 4 screaming children, that will scream and whine for the full 15 minutes. If you have small children, have them do this. Come back to me in 15 minutes.

Have you killed yourself yet? Perhaps you used the time to write me a beautiful haiku? In reality that sucked ass, right? 15 minutes is 15 hours when you cannot get out of a situation. Trust me. Having 15 minutes of not moving, allowed me to curse wildly under my breath, I didn’t want the teenager to get any bad ideas from this gorgeous lady in the truck outside his window. Eventually I stopped the cursing and that’s when I realized I had listened to almost all of In the Name of Love. I HATE with all the hate I can have in me, U2. If I had had 2 knives, I would have gladly jammed them in my ears than listen to that. And why the hell was 770 am playing a U2 song?

I FINALLY got the food and the girl that was handing it to me said, “Sorry for your wait.” And I’m a good sport to people I don’t know, so I said, “No problem. I won’t yell, I hope no one else yells at you either!” She goes, “Whatever” and shut the window. I then looked shocked, cursed under my breath and wished a thousand pimples on the thousand that she already had.

Then I got home to cold ass fries, watered down Sprite and a McRib that sent me retching into the toilet. Luckily, Alexis and Ty can smell when the neighbors have McDonalds, so they ventured down from their slumber and horded my frycicles. Just another great evening in my life.

^That's how I feel after eating McDonalds.^

Love,

Stephanie

Super duper long post! Warned you!

It’s officially Christmas time! How can I tell you ask? Well, I can tell by the 50 zip ties peeking through the Christmas tree in my living room. We always think that getting a real tree will work better than a fakie in what can best be described as a human inhabited zoo or the Akerman house. Inevitably though, the branches on the spruce can only tolerate a few days of ornaments, cat perching, dog chewing, children roughing up and little to no daily water before I have to pull out zip ties. Gotta say though, it looks pretty good! Soon I fear it will only be black zip ties, cat vomit and 5 strings of light, of which 2 will work, at random times of course!

The twin’s preschool teacher is adorable! She’s probably only 10 years or so older than me, but I feel like I’ve got her by 50 every time I drop the girls off and run as fast as I can back to the SUV to listen to KMOX. (When did I turn into my father in law? I used to listen to Van Halen, ZZ Top, hell even…The Bieber!)

Where was I? Ah yes, the adorable older preschool teacher. So when I picked the girls up today at noon – noon oh fiveish, she begins to tell me about an amazing sale on Burberry scarves at the mall. (I use the term mall loosely, as I’m sure you remember.) She’s going on and on about what a great “little” gift they would be for, like a neighbor or the postal worker. Yeah, right. I stopped buying gifts for people once my household doubled.

Also, here’s the run down of my neighbors as I know them, and remember, I’ve lived in this house for 1 year, 5 months and 5 days (but who’s counting, am’I right?).

Gale (an older DUDE, so I assume this is how his name is spelled, my step mom is named Gail, so you see my point) and Patty or Pattie (I don’t know, I’ve never checked out their mail for the correct spelling(s).). Gale and Patty or Gail and Pattie or numerous variations you can do on your free time, are probably in their early 50’s. They drive nice rides, keep a tip top house, that looks like my house, but they care about landscaping and whatnot. They are nice enough and do the obligatory wave in passing and have joked about taking a dip in our pool every time they catch us in it. Yeah right wrinkly balls, build your own pool. You can afford it, I assume, by your polo shirts, riding lawnmower and seasonally appropriate decorations. So that’s the most I know about them. Not much, just enough to be creepy on a blog.

Okay, across the street there is fancy African American couple. They also own a riding lawnmower and take great care of their yard and house. They take turns cutting it (the yard not they house, that would be great in the spring, terrible in the winter), I think mister is allergic to grass, he wears a facemask turning his week. That or he still thinks SARS is too close for comfort. They are also nice and smile and wave in passing. Never talked to them, but that seems to be working for all parties involved.

Then there’s family with 3 or 4 boys that leave bikes and scooters all over the yard. They have a dog that barks when you make any sort of noise outside. Or maybe it’s a tape of a dog barking to keep weirdos at bay. I think I’ve seen a dog over there, but I don’t know. Oh, I also smashed their mailbox after a seizure in the van awhile back. They don’t ever look at me funny, but I always wonder if they think I’m a drunk. Of course getting the mail in my Wonder Woman costume and shouting at the big tree in my yard from time to time probably doesn’t help matters. (Just kidding, Dad if you read this, and I pray you don’t. Think of your church!)

Then there’s the house with younger adults that live there. Sometimes some of the youngerish girls do cheerleading routines in their side yard. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a cheerleader, my cousin Sonya, can back me up on this, but I was always too fat. I think I’m small enough to be one of the lower branches on the cheerleader pyramid or whatever it’s called. I swear, one day I’m going over there like I’ve been doing it all my life. So watch out for a creepy update on that front.

Then there are random houses that may or may not have inhabitants. I can’t see their front doors, so I don’t bother with them. I see trashcans out on Thursday and Friday and then poof, gone by Saturday, so I assume that means something.

And finally we have crazy lady with insane son and an “alleged” father down the street. I say “alleged” because she’s said, “his dad” or “my husband” when I've been cornered in Wal-Mart and forced to smile, nod and slowly back away. To be fair, the mother looks like she could have formed the son through black magic or “kidnappy magic”. They are real pieces of work, but I’ve done enough damage for the night. I’ll save them for their own personal post.

Good night,

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I literally just broke up a fistfight between a 7 year old and a 4 year old over a…brownie. And I wonder how I fight the daily urge to take drugs. Signing off again...

P.S.S. Ty just showed me his new dance to celebrate his win in the Great Brownie War of 2010. He totally raised the roof. Raised it to a new chewy, chocolaty level.