Introducing...

It is my honor and privilege to introduce to you, the newest member of the Akerman family…a brand new DYSON vacuum! We have been waiting for years and years to make this decision. Should we drop that much cabbage on a vacuum? Is it really worth it? Well, 5 vacuums in 4 years has made the choice very easy for us.

I went to my local Mart, it’s of the Wal variety. I was the talk of the town! No one could believe that I was purchasing that vacuum with the cords and weird steal-proof device. The cashier about shit herself when I got to the counter. Quite frankly, I was expecting the mayor to come out of the vision center and hand me the key to the city.

 Long story short, I have never been more in love. Today is the happiest day of my life. I’ve already broken her in and we all gazed at the gross that she picked up on her inaugural run. So, in honor of the new “lady” in my life please hold all my calls tomorrow between 9:30 and 11:30, for I will be running her like crazy. Thank you, Curtis, for helping fulfill my dreams.

All my love,

Stephanie

Thursday Wal-Mart Edition - Belated

Today’s Feature

Wal-Mart Vendors and Businesses In Wal-Mart

Vendors for Wal-Mart

Magazines

You never will actually see someone replace magazines; you will however see their carts filled with stacks of various magazines blocking the checkout lane. There will be plastic wrap and cashiers whispering about the magazines blocking their lanes and how they hope they never move the cart.

Register Drinks

There are two different coolers in your Wal-Mart; Coke and Pepsi. Every slot will always be filled EXCEPT for the soda or drink you desperately need to not die of thirst. I actually saw a Coke guy filling his cooler and a lady was standing in front of the Pepsi cooler and  said, “Sorry, let me move.” He honest to God said, “That’s Pepsi, they stink. Feel free to stand there and block it all day.” I smiled. I hate Pepsi too, they do stink.

Chips and the Like

These guys like to make sure they are replenishing stock at the absolute busiest time. They usually have 4 huge carts filled with boxes of chips. Each box holds 3 bags of chips, so it takes days to refill the chip aisle. This is where it gets a little rough in Wal-Mart. Old women will cut a baby if its stroller is blocking her pretzels.

Little Debbie

The guy who refills for Little Debbie looks like he just got back from cutting down trees for Ax Men. He is always in a band t-shirt, usually Cheap Trick or Led Zeppelin, jeans shorts and brown work boots. He wears a Wal-Mart name badge that says “Little Debbie”, which I find hilarious that Little Debbie hired someone with the same name or he may have changed it for the company. Now that’s what a call a company man. I pretty much know this guy’s schedule, because if I don’t get my Little Debbie Coffee Cakes, someone’s getting hurt.

Businesses within Wal-Mart

Sport Clips, Haircuts or Cutting Edge

I don’t know the actual name of the hair salon in my local Wal-Mart. I do know that the clock on their wall is 20 minutes fast. I know, because every time I walk past it, I panic that I’m so late, and then I look at my watch for the real time. To be fair, they probably got that clock at Wal-Mart and it just tells whatever time it wants. Also, the women working in the salon do not have their own hair done there. There is no way. The chemicals wafting out of there would drop a buffalo.  The only people who get any hair “job” done there are men from the local farm, elderly women who get dropped off by the retirement center’s bus and little boys whose dad works on the farm.

WoodFairy Bank

I don’t think that’s the name of the bank, but who really cares; it’s a Wal-Mart bank. These people love to stand with the greeter on a busy Saturday and jam ridiculous flyers in my face about opening a new checking account. Or a flyer that is announcing a cute baby contest, stupid pet contest or guess how old these mints on the counter are contest. They always have balloons for your idiot kids to scream for then immediately release them into the air as soon as you walk outside the building. The tellers are so happy to be there and want to cash your check for you. Whatever they’re on, I want some, as long as it’s not too expensive. It is Wal-Mart, so it’ll be cheap, but it won’t last too long.

Blimpos, Subbies or Wally Subs

These chain restaurants take up space that could be selling clearance items at over-inflated prices. Instead they pop corn constantly and force parents to shut their stupid kids up by purchasing some corn they popped last week. Apparently the fresh corn is thrown away every night; they only use it for the smells to enrage children. Oh and I think they sell sandwiches, I don’t know.

Nail Salon

These nail salons don’t really have the market covered yet, do they? Every town I’ve lived in has had more nail salons than children. So I guess it was logical to share some space with Wal-Mart. I guess I can see their point, most of the “women” who shop at Wal-Mart need to have some strange design air-brushed on their fingertips every few weeks. Thank you Vietnamese Nail Technicians, for filling a niche.

Wednesday Wal-Mart Post

Today’s Feature

Customer Service, Greeters, Cart Wranglers

Customer Service

The customer service center has on average 35 registers and 34 Lane Closed Signs up at all times. The worker in this station has keys on stretchy key chains all the way up her arms. Occasionally you may be randomly chosen to have your transaction audited and a key is needed. It will be inserted into the register by a service center worker who will then stare at the screen press the same button 16 times, grouse, turn the key again, repeat the process then walk away. Who knows what the heck just happened, just sign that slip, get your in store credit card and walk away slowly.

The actual center will be filled to the brim with returns of broken coffee makers, ugly comforters, bruised apples and ripped open DVD player boxes, that more than likely do not hold the correct DVD player. No one ever restocks anything, they just keep adding to the pile. One day a customer service worker will be missing and I’ll make sure to point to the pile and suggest it is ground zero.

Greeters

There are three different types of Wal-Mart greeters:

Elderly

If you catch the elderly greeter on a good day, they treat you like the favorite grandchild. They smile and wish you well. They’ll even get your cart for you. If you have a return, they make small talk while the sticker is printing.

If you caught them on any other day, they will ignore you like the hated grandchild. They look away like you never thanked them for the $20 dollars they put in your birthday card. Forget getting a sticker for that return, you better head over to the other entrance pal-o, Grandpa is in no mood for you today!

Child-Like Adults

This greeter at first glance appears to be a very tall child. He usually has his pants hiked up like Urkel held a seminar in fashion for him. His hair is either scruffy or it is neatly held together with way too much gel. There will certainly be glasses, metal of course, he can’t put contacts in because the solution may damage his comics while turning pages. He will not make eye contact because girls make him nervous and guys are scary. He has to hold the return gun way too close to his face to read it. He is a nice kid, just frightened to hell and way to awkward to be a cashier.

Crazy People

This greeter can be found pacing back and force between the sensors near the doors. He giggles when he makes the doors open. He seems to like when they open with his magic powers. My crazy Wal-Mart greeter spoke with an Italian accent then one day, he said hello to me in a Squiggy voice. (If you don’t know that reference, go ask your parents, maybe your grandparents.) So either he really is a whack job, or he had a stroke. I just change my own accent when I talk to him; it’s a sign of solidarity. Us nut jobs have to stick together!

Cart Wranglers

Young Teenage Boy

Middle Age Man working a second job.

Handicapped Employee – Our handicapped cart wrangler is probably the hardest worker at Wal-Mart. He follows you to your car, helps you load your groceries and takes your cart for you. All without being asked too. He’s happy to be there, no one else is. He works in the burning summer and the snowy winters. He likes to ask about your family and if you’re wearing a Cardinals shirt, he’ll tell you all about the time he went to the old Busch stadium and how much he wants to go to the new one.

If I’m ever able too, I want to buy some tickets for him and his family to go. That guy works so hard every day and seems to actually love it. I watch him walk around the store and everyone says hello to him. At first I was a little bothered by the constant attention he shows me, but I’ve learned to appreciate that he takes the time to help me out. So the very least I can do is talk about the stinking Cardinals and tell him to make sure to stay cool when it’s so hot he’s covered in sweat.

He is the reason I continue to shop at Wal-Mart. I have to check on him every day and make sure he’s having a nice one.

See, I can be nice from time to time.

The saga continues tomorrow…