It’s that time again. Time for me to break it down. As most of you know, my grandmother passed away earlier this week. Keep the “I’m so sorry for you loss” and “God Bless” condolences to a minimum, please. I’m fine, I wasn’t close to her and on top of that the poor woman was fighting a terrible battle, so it’s best that she was able to finally pass quietly at home. Now that that’s out of the way, let me talk about the ragtag bunch of maniacs that call me, Stevie’s sister.
Here’s a little back-story: I haven’t talked or seen this side of my family since my grandfather passed away over 5 years ago. Wanna know why? I bet you do. And I bet my family reading this wants to know why too.
Here it is – After my mother’s funeral her friends had a memorial at her favorite bar (which is actually a bowling alley lounge). So my family all met over there and a lot of them proceeded to drink mass amounts of alcohol. Most of them paid their tabs and drove home drunk. Except for my Uncle Wayne and his oldest son, Chad.
Oh they got drunk and drove home, but they did not however pay their tab. THEY SKIPPED OUT ON A BAR TAB AT A MEMORIAL. At the time Alexis was only a few months old, I had just lost my mother and I had to deal with all kinds of paperwork and BS to get the funeral, burial expenses and etc. paid for. Then these motherfuckers left me sitting there with a $200+ bill to pay. I was hysterical as I’m sure you can imagine.
Luckily I have adopted aunts that took it upon themselves and paid it for me. They’ve never mentioned it to me or asked for the money back. These aunts have zero relationship with the two bums. They’re not related and they certainly aren’t friends. Since that incident, I’ve basically held a grudge. I know I shouldn’t have, especially since the people I love and actually like had nothing to do with it.
Now, fast forward to my grandmother’s passing. I decided it was time to get over it and reconnect with my family. I visited Grandmas a few days before she passed and I met up with my favorite cousin, Sonya and all my other cousins and their kids. It was really nice and so fun to see them all. It was like I was never gone.
Luckily I was able to make it to the visitation for my grandmother last evening. Sure it was somber until I got there. Then I turned that shit into Stephanie’s Comedy Tour. It helps that my family is really low key. Also wearing 1980’s acid washed jeans, t-shirts and leather biker jackets with an excessive amount of chains hanging off of it is an acceptable ensemble for a funeral home for some people in my family. To be fair, that was just a handful of distant relatives I didn’t know, but that didn’t stop them from accosting me and kissing my face while sobbing onto my shoulder and making inappropriate back rubbing motions. But I’m kinda prude.
I think the best way to do this is to list people that were there.
1. Sonya – She is my favorite cousin. We make each other laugh, but not just laugh, but laugh hysterically. She can always make me smile and she keeps spirits up even when it’s so easy to be sad. Sonya is an amazing mother. She actually did our grandmother’s makeup and hair for burial. She did a great job, could’ve used more rouge, but who’s gonna notice? Plus we tried to touch up Grandma’s lipstick during the visitation, but my Aunt Cindy put a stop to that! In short, Sonya is the best human alive.
1b. Nick – Sonya’s better half. He was quiet except to laugh when I made a hilarious joke, which was often. Plus he doesn’t like Key Lime gum, just like me! AND he puts up with Sonya and it actually appears that they love each other. Good for them. (Poor Nick.)
2. Jenn – She is Sonya’s sister and my cousin. She has 9 to 12 kids, I lost count. They were everywhere. Jenn is a great mom too. But she’s a little too pleasant and polite for my taste. I like brash and trashy, that ain’t Jenn. But I still love her!
2b. John – Jenn’s husband. I didn’t get to talk to him much, but he appeared to be some sort of medical responder. He had on a sort of EMT uniform. Or maybe he’s a stripper that performs as Captain John. I don’t know. It was a funeral, I wasn’t going to ask him to work. Plus I didn’t have any $1 on me.
3. Aunt Cindy and Uncle Roby – Cindy is my mom’s sister and Roby is Cindy’s husband (try to keep up!). They were doing great. They seemed happy and sober! That’s a big deal in my family! They didn’t do anything funny so I’m moving on.
4. Aunt Terry – Terry is my mom’s sister. Time has been wonderfully kind to my Aunt Terry. As I child I remember her looking a little worn out, of course 6 kids will do that to you, I suppose. But when I saw her, she was glowing! She looks amazing. It’s probably because her 6 kids are grown up and she has some peace! Onward!
5. Uncle Wayne – Wayne is my mom’s brother. He put on a keg of beer to portray his waist and he appears to dislike shaving. Didn’t talk to him, read above as to why.
5b. Chad the Creeper – This piece of shit didn’t recognize me since I lost all the weight. Once we told him who I was, he was shocked and kept trying to hit on me. I’d be Facebooking (yes at the funeral, Grandma didn’t know) and all of a sudden this fucking creeper would be over my shoulder reading my shit. I about had to pop him several times. I had to dodge him all night. WE’RE COUSINS, STOP HITTING ON ME. PLUS YOU’RE UGLY AND GROSS…MOVE ON.
6. Fat Pat – Pat used to be married to Wayne. She was/is a royal bitch. She used to call Sonya and I fat when we were little. We loved to watch cheer competitions (shut up) on TV and Pat once told us we were too fat to be cheerleaders. Obviously we let that go because we only mention it every time we see each other. But I digress. Pat kept trying to talk to me and I’m very polite in person so I faked interest but totally ripped her a new one when her back was turned. She can eat a big one because I hate her and her fat guts. By the way, I’m way skinnier than her now…so is Sonya! Go us!
6b. Melissa – Melissa is Wayne and Pat’s daughter. She’s pregnant. She’s a hypochondriac. She also works at my eye doctor. That’s about all there is to know about Melissa.
7. Peter – Peter is my mom’s brother. He used to be a bigwig in the entertainment world. At least that’s what I’ve been told. He directed the Bell Biv DeVoe Poison video. So I’ve been told. He cornered me at one point and talked for a good 20 minutes about all the amazing and wonderful things he’s done and his kids are doing. I was bored at about the :45 mark. He asked for my number to keep in touch and like a fucking idiot I gave him the right number. So I may need to change it if the calls begin. Please God, make him lose my number. Or the ability to brag. Either or, it’s your choice, you’re the God between us.
8. Chaddy – Chaddy is my cousin Jenn’s oldest son. This guy is so adorable! We’ve become fast friends. I wish we lived closer because I’d totally hang out with him. He’d probably make me go do weird Carlyle stuff. I’d make him go to the mall with me. We’d be great friends! Maybe one day he’ll move to Mount Vernon and I’ll take him to a Wal-Mart that is open 24 hours. The one in Carlyle is not. Those poor people! Anyhow, I adore Chaddy. Oh and we’re gum buddies now too!
Okay, those were the main players. There were lots of other characters there. I have at least 52-76 cousins, so the head count was high, the teeth count…lower. I kid because I love them.
I don’t want to forget to share that I held a gum tasting in the middle of the room. I wanted to get opinions of others on my gum choices. Everyone else loved the shitty Stride gum that changes flavors. And all but two loved the Key Lime Pie gum. Clearly my palate is more defined than theirs. But it’s okay to be different, we don’t all have to like the same gum flavors. Look at the many choices God gave us. God is good.
I also need to mention that when I went into the bathroom in the funeral home it already smelled like shit. I did not do that. I went in, held my breath, peed faster than lightening, washed my hands and ran out. It was horrible! I prayed no one was waiting to get in after me so I wouldn’t have to explain the wretched stench. PLUS the sink was bone dry! So someone shit in there, didn’t wash their hands and possibly touched the food in the kitchen! So glad I didn’t eat a shit sandwich. I hope Pat did though!
Final note! I wore those amazing heels I posted the other day but by about 2 hours in, my feet had enough. So I put my black and white Chucks on. I looked great in both pairs of shoes, but you know that. Anyhow, as I was leaving the funeral director was holding the door for me and said, “I LOVE your Chucks. They look great. You’re like one of those hip…hip…hipsters. Yeah, a hipster! Nice!” So BOOM! Totally got an ego boost from the funeral director. Of course he looks at dead people all day, so I take it with a grain of salt.
If I offended you with any of this, I’m sorry you suck and I told the world. I still love you.
If you made it this far, I love you always! And guess what? I learned a lesson in all of this. Time really does heal all wounds. Thank you, Jesus for the gift of time.
Amen,
Stephanie
Oh and to my family, I may not be there in person today, but I’m there in spirit. I love you all. Be strong.
