A Recap

Instead of a Christmas letter, I’ve decided to write a “Year-End Wrap Up” letter. And well since I’ve basically shared my whole life on here throughout the year, maybe I’ll just make it a “For the last few weeks I’ve…” letter. Yeah, that seems best.

The kids started Christmas break two days earlier than planned due to that bitch Mother Nature dropping her evil snow. And thanks to the yokels in charge of my town, no streets were plowed. Even though we had a good week of notice of the impending storm, the “officials” or d-bags as I call them, were surprised by the “sudden” storm. So I was able to come two days closer to running away than originally planned.

So Christmas came and the kids hauled it in. That always makes a parent feel good. That is until two days later and the I’M BORED’s start singing. Guess what, kids? I’m leaving. Good luck in life. Well since I didn’t have a full tank of gas at the time and it was still pretty slick out, I stayed. I may regret this if school is called off again next week.

I got my red Chuck Taylors and some moo-lah from ole Curtis. My in-laws gave me an amazing Cuisinart Food Processor. I love it almost as much as I love my Dyson. I use them both all of the time. I always thought I’d be a doctor at 32, but somehow I’m Susie Homemaker. Doctor Susie Homemaker.

Sidenote: How come all customer service reps in the student loan business are slimy? I talked to one this week who gave me great news and I still felt dirty after hanging up the phone. Is it just me?

Back on track. The kids are insane, but I’m way worse. I’m honestly thinking about getting a job to get away from this asylum. That’s pretty crazy right there! Okay, so that’s it for me. I leave you with some things my children have said during their break that has amused me:

Do we have school tomonday (means tomorrow)? – Addy (This question is asked several times a day. EVERY DAY!)

A lady walked in front of us in the store and we had to stop and wait. Then this was said, “Stop Mommy. We need to wait for this old lady to go by.” – Kenzy

While playing his DS, “Can’t you take a hint? It’s OVER between us.” – Ty

While getting dressed and was only in her undies, “Momma, Teacher said Santa Claus sees us when we’re good and when we’re bad.” “That’s true.” Covering her chest, “Well, I don’t want him to see me naked.” – Kenzy (After telling Curtis this, he said that if he had heard it, he would have told her “Santa’s seen better.” Father of the year, folks.

Can you play DsiXL with me, Alexis? – Ty

NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I’M JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE! - Alexis

Ty and Curtis were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors when Ty decided to throw in Volcano. After a few rounds of Volcano winning, I suggested Jesus as a choice. Because Jesus beats everyone. It was well received and now the whole family enjoys an occasional game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Volcano, Jesus. (But never on Sundays, that’s just bad taste.)

Love,

Stephanie

McDonald's - Not Lovin' It

Well, I was going to make this little post all about my kids and their Christmas programs. But something else has come up and also only Ty has actually had his program. So when the others have done theirs, I’ll be happy to critique them via this blog. And don’t worry, I won’t hold back. I may even be harder on them than I would be on the other children of the world. On to the real blog post:

Every once in awhile, after the children have fallen asleep and it’s just Curtis and I awake in the house, we sit on the couch together, turn and look deep into the others eyes and telepathically we decide on magic. So I rushed to the truck to go get a late night meal (or fourth meal for you Taco Bell junkies) for just my beloved and me to eat without having to buy food for the other idiots who constantly ask for eatin’s.

I thought surely at 9 pm McDonalds wouldn’t be crowded. Naturally I was so mistaken. Before I continue I have to say, I think our McDonalds has some sort of radio scrambling thingy, because every time I pull into the drive thru, all my radio stations turn to static. Well, except the am channel that I believe is bouncing around since it’s original airing in 1935. What up wit dat?

Okay, so I go to the M-C’s that has the dual drive thru lanes. Let me tell you something, the residents of Mount Vernon, Illinois are not smart enough to figure out the dual lane drive thru. I had 4 cars in front of me all going in ONE lane. There are 2 HUGE signs that read – Both Lanes Are Open At All Times. But due to the fact that most Mount Vernonians(?) shouldn’t drive more than a John Deere, they certainly weren’t going to be able to figure out something as difficult as a talking box that asks you if you want BBQ sauce with those nuggets.

Finally I’ve made my order, but am now faced with morons who have no grasp of taking turns on pulling up to the window. “Durrr, is it my turn? Who do I pay with these chickens for my nuggets? Can I have those boxes fer a fort?” Jesus, Mary and Joseph, FIGURE IT OUT, GOMER! Now that they’ve received my moolah, I am forced to sit directly next to the pay window with a teenage boy staring at me for 15 minutes. Literally 15 minutes. 15 minutes may not sound like a lot, but try this. I had Curtis do this years ago because he too assumed 15 minutes wasn’t that long. Go sit in your vehicle for 15 minutes. Don’t move and imagine, if you can, 4 screaming children, that will scream and whine for the full 15 minutes. If you have small children, have them do this. Come back to me in 15 minutes.

Have you killed yourself yet? Perhaps you used the time to write me a beautiful haiku? In reality that sucked ass, right? 15 minutes is 15 hours when you cannot get out of a situation. Trust me. Having 15 minutes of not moving, allowed me to curse wildly under my breath, I didn’t want the teenager to get any bad ideas from this gorgeous lady in the truck outside his window. Eventually I stopped the cursing and that’s when I realized I had listened to almost all of In the Name of Love. I HATE with all the hate I can have in me, U2. If I had had 2 knives, I would have gladly jammed them in my ears than listen to that. And why the hell was 770 am playing a U2 song?

I FINALLY got the food and the girl that was handing it to me said, “Sorry for your wait.” And I’m a good sport to people I don’t know, so I said, “No problem. I won’t yell, I hope no one else yells at you either!” She goes, “Whatever” and shut the window. I then looked shocked, cursed under my breath and wished a thousand pimples on the thousand that she already had.

Then I got home to cold ass fries, watered down Sprite and a McRib that sent me retching into the toilet. Luckily, Alexis and Ty can smell when the neighbors have McDonalds, so they ventured down from their slumber and horded my frycicles. Just another great evening in my life.

^That's how I feel after eating McDonalds.^

Love,

Stephanie

Super duper long post! Warned you!

It’s officially Christmas time! How can I tell you ask? Well, I can tell by the 50 zip ties peeking through the Christmas tree in my living room. We always think that getting a real tree will work better than a fakie in what can best be described as a human inhabited zoo or the Akerman house. Inevitably though, the branches on the spruce can only tolerate a few days of ornaments, cat perching, dog chewing, children roughing up and little to no daily water before I have to pull out zip ties. Gotta say though, it looks pretty good! Soon I fear it will only be black zip ties, cat vomit and 5 strings of light, of which 2 will work, at random times of course!

The twin’s preschool teacher is adorable! She’s probably only 10 years or so older than me, but I feel like I’ve got her by 50 every time I drop the girls off and run as fast as I can back to the SUV to listen to KMOX. (When did I turn into my father in law? I used to listen to Van Halen, ZZ Top, hell even…The Bieber!)

Where was I? Ah yes, the adorable older preschool teacher. So when I picked the girls up today at noon – noon oh fiveish, she begins to tell me about an amazing sale on Burberry scarves at the mall. (I use the term mall loosely, as I’m sure you remember.) She’s going on and on about what a great “little” gift they would be for, like a neighbor or the postal worker. Yeah, right. I stopped buying gifts for people once my household doubled.

Also, here’s the run down of my neighbors as I know them, and remember, I’ve lived in this house for 1 year, 5 months and 5 days (but who’s counting, am’I right?).

Gale (an older DUDE, so I assume this is how his name is spelled, my step mom is named Gail, so you see my point) and Patty or Pattie (I don’t know, I’ve never checked out their mail for the correct spelling(s).). Gale and Patty or Gail and Pattie or numerous variations you can do on your free time, are probably in their early 50’s. They drive nice rides, keep a tip top house, that looks like my house, but they care about landscaping and whatnot. They are nice enough and do the obligatory wave in passing and have joked about taking a dip in our pool every time they catch us in it. Yeah right wrinkly balls, build your own pool. You can afford it, I assume, by your polo shirts, riding lawnmower and seasonally appropriate decorations. So that’s the most I know about them. Not much, just enough to be creepy on a blog.

Okay, across the street there is fancy African American couple. They also own a riding lawnmower and take great care of their yard and house. They take turns cutting it (the yard not they house, that would be great in the spring, terrible in the winter), I think mister is allergic to grass, he wears a facemask turning his week. That or he still thinks SARS is too close for comfort. They are also nice and smile and wave in passing. Never talked to them, but that seems to be working for all parties involved.

Then there’s family with 3 or 4 boys that leave bikes and scooters all over the yard. They have a dog that barks when you make any sort of noise outside. Or maybe it’s a tape of a dog barking to keep weirdos at bay. I think I’ve seen a dog over there, but I don’t know. Oh, I also smashed their mailbox after a seizure in the van awhile back. They don’t ever look at me funny, but I always wonder if they think I’m a drunk. Of course getting the mail in my Wonder Woman costume and shouting at the big tree in my yard from time to time probably doesn’t help matters. (Just kidding, Dad if you read this, and I pray you don’t. Think of your church!)

Then there’s the house with younger adults that live there. Sometimes some of the youngerish girls do cheerleading routines in their side yard. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a cheerleader, my cousin Sonya, can back me up on this, but I was always too fat. I think I’m small enough to be one of the lower branches on the cheerleader pyramid or whatever it’s called. I swear, one day I’m going over there like I’ve been doing it all my life. So watch out for a creepy update on that front.

Then there are random houses that may or may not have inhabitants. I can’t see their front doors, so I don’t bother with them. I see trashcans out on Thursday and Friday and then poof, gone by Saturday, so I assume that means something.

And finally we have crazy lady with insane son and an “alleged” father down the street. I say “alleged” because she’s said, “his dad” or “my husband” when I've been cornered in Wal-Mart and forced to smile, nod and slowly back away. To be fair, the mother looks like she could have formed the son through black magic or “kidnappy magic”. They are real pieces of work, but I’ve done enough damage for the night. I’ll save them for their own personal post.

Good night,

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I literally just broke up a fistfight between a 7 year old and a 4 year old over a…brownie. And I wonder how I fight the daily urge to take drugs. Signing off again...

P.S.S. Ty just showed me his new dance to celebrate his win in the Great Brownie War of 2010. He totally raised the roof. Raised it to a new chewy, chocolaty level.

Warning-Warning-Warning-TMI Post!-Warning-Warning-Warning

Well, my beloved readers, I will be making this short. I have been cursed by the good Lord himself. I am having a terrible case of the "Random Shits". This affliction took hold of our household this weekend. I cleaned many pairs of disgusting underpants from the children. (When I say clean, I mean baggged in a bio-hazard container and blew them to smithereens. I ain't putting shit in my washer.)

Well, apparently, this was just an "appetizer" of sorts. Curtis and I were blessed with the "Random Shits." What does that entail, you are no doubt wondering? So I'll tell a little TMI to pique your obviously disgusting mind. This means through out the night, while you're in a deep, deep sleep, you will hear a disturbing sound emanating from your stomach. At this point, you better get into the bathroom, ASAP, or you will be doing a lot of midnight linen washings.

So, if you survive the war that is between your stomach and colon through the night, the day will only get worse. In the morning, you will either have to go to work or start dropping all the children off at school. (No pun intended.) Here's where the Random comes in. You could be for instance, standing in a preschool hallway dropping off your descendants when you feel the rumble. By the time the sound hits your ears, if you're not already sitting on the toilet, it may be too late. That or you will make it by an eyelash and then proceed to destroy a toddler toilet. I will say that the flushing power on that tiny can was amazing! Took only one flush!

The smell would probably be equal to Agent Orange, but class has probably started, so you should be able to sneak out. Making the other teachers point fingers at each other while gagging. Gosh, I hope none of them read this. If so, it was my husband. I haven't eaten anything today but 2 Diet Cokes. Curtis forced some food down, but he'll be regretting it soon enough I'm sure.

Now onto less disgusting news; as you remember I had to put my cat, Timmy to sleep recently. And remember that I talked about the animal clinic sending me a nice card and a gigantic geranium? Well today, I received this:

Click picture to embiggen.

Click picture to embiggen.

Click picture to embiggen.

I mean, that amazes me. Can you believe the love this doctor and his staff show to their clients? It blew me away. I'm so touched and thankful that they did this. I just adore Dr. Dwight Thomas and his staff. There are still great people in this horrible world.

Love,
Stephanie

FINALLY - The Christmas Card Picture

Well, I think I've given the United States Postal Service plenty o time to deliver the masterpiece that is the Akerman Family Christmas card. Behold in all its glory:

Click picture to embiggen.

(L to R: Addyson, Alexis, Ty, and Mackenzy, who is lovingly placed under Ty.)

So now you see in photo what it's like in a day in the life of an insane housewife. This picture tells it all. Addyson is destroying something. Alexis is the center of attention. Ty is the superhero. Kenzy finally gets what's coming to her. She tends to bully the other kids, which is so weird since she's the youngest. Sometimes we call her Knuckles if she's bringing the pain.

So there it is. Is it everything you thought it would be? We actually have really nice photos from Sears that I'll post when I feel like it. I just don't feel like adding them right now, DEAL. Oh and if you'd like for me to send you a card of your own to display proudly on the back of your front door or perhaps mantle, shoot me a note and I'll mail it out.

Love,

Stephanie