Guess Who's Back? Back Again!

Well, well, well. We’re the hell have I been? I’ve got a lot of nerve showing my gorgeous mug here in such a long time. Well, long story short – kidney stones. They’ve taken over my life. But I won’t bore you with the details or urine (HA!) for the long haul! So to keep it alive in here, I'll tell you what I’ve been thinking about and dealing with at my favorite place in Mount Vernon, Illinois. Why, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s my Wal-Mart Supercenter! Hurray! So, get on it with it, I say!

Here we go:

Why do the chumps that are forced to work in an outdated photo lab given a white lab coat? Are they doing biological research back there with all of the expired developing chemicals? Hey, “Justin” you’re no pharmacist, get that coat off and get in the dark blue polo we gave you. You can’t pull rank in here until you pass the grocery test, and you’ve only got one more chance to pass it. So use the time you’re not developing anything, which is all shift, and study your lettuce. Damnit, Justin, get it together or you’ll be helping old women figure out why their 110 camera has turned to dust forever.

While I’m on the subject of the elderly, have you ever watched one look at a laptop? It’s adorable! (By adorable, I clearly mean sad.) They’re pushing buttons randomly, no clue what the hell is happening. Watching them attempt to maneuver the mouse is hilarious at best. Gramma, just deal with the fact that by the time you figure it out, you’ll have been dead for years. Move on.

Okay, I saw something amazing today. It was what dreams are made of. I’m not good about whipping out the camera phone to have proof of things, mostly because I’m not sneaky. I may as well ask the freak I want to mock to hold still while I figure out how to get the damn phone off of speaker. So I drew it. In Photoshop. Please remember that I’m no artist. Shit. Remember that I don’t get paid to be an artist, so I’m half-assing this in. (More like 1/3 assing it.) I saw this gentleman in the “arts and crafts department” enjoy:

I’m talking about a sweet beard that would make ZZ Top drop to their arthritic knees in honor. It was a site to behold. I really hope this man is someone’s awesome grandpa. I bet he rode there on his Hog. (Harley for those of you not awesome.) On another note, if my mother was still alive and met this guy, I would be calling him Step Dad before the end of the day.

For the grand finale, I present the stand up styling of Stephanie Akerman! Apparently there’s a storm a brewin’! I know because every GD redneck in the tri-county area was at Wal-Mart buyin’ up all the eatin’s. So, I have to wait in the frozen food section because fuck wads have no manners and think I don’t mind if every one blocks the aisle on both sides to decide on the best fish sticks. I’m a Van de Kamps gal myself. This is a transcript of my time spent in the frozen food aisle:

Guy: Ohhh! Look honey, chicken and broccoli.

Gal: YUM!

Guy: Holy shit! Alfredo? Frozen? Sweet!

Gal: Mmmhmm

Meanwhile on the other side of the aisle; elderly woman decides on frozen chicken blobs. By decides I mean stares at them and opens and closes the doors several dozen times slowly defrosting the chicken scraps before my eyes. Back to Guy and Gal.

Guy: Roasted. Red. Peppers. Oh my God.

BLAMMO! The bag of peppers slams forward off the shelf towards the couple as if God was trying to sell some product. Cue gorgeous lady waiting like a silent dove.

Me: Well, if that’s not a sign from the Wal-Mart Gods, I don’t know what is!

Guy: (Hysterical laughter)

Gal: (Hysterical laughter)

Elderly Woman: (Hysterical laughter)

So, I forget the product I was after, nodded with the acceptable acknowledgement and turn out of the aisle. Hey, you’ve got to leave on a high note. Plus, I ain’t being funny for free. You get one laugh, after that, you pay!

Okay, once last thing. Once I got home and empty the bags, I realized I didn’t get one bag. Normally I would have just left it and moved on with my life. Sure, I would have bitched to Curtis and he would nod and offer to go get it, but I’d say no and just sulk. But for crying out loud, the bag had cupcakes and MY GD TWIX PEANUT BUTTER 4 TO GO CANDY BAR. I have had no appetite for a week, but those two things sounded good. (My fat self always gets in my mind. She’s hungry!) So I marched my ass back up to a scene from Lord of the Flies and thank God she set it aside. I told her I’d only ever come back for a bag with those two contents in it. She agreed and I made it home. Barely.

Good night and God bless.

Stephanie

(Oh, I assure you that I will not allow my kidneys to run my life anymore. You filter my pee and stay in line. You can stuff those stones in the other direction, jerko.)

JcPenney...I think I love you!

I’m not a bargain shopper. I don’t mind paying too much for things, just ask my husband. Sure I love when I accidentally get a good deal. For instance when something rings up for less than expected, I get a kick out of it. I do watch for clearance areas, but I think that’s just common behavior by mammals that shop.

So Curtis has wanted some new work shoes, but he is not a shopper. Since I LOVE to shop, I got the specs on the wanted kicks and went store to store in search of them. Perhaps I would have had a better chance in finding Bigfoot. Living in a small town leaves few places to find specific items. Especially those of the higher price range. After doing a location search online, I discovered that the shoes might be found at JcPenney’s in our “mall”. On to Penney’s!

I went straight to the shoe department, bypassing rows and rows of clearance racks. It took everything out of me not to stop. No shoes. Well, there were shoes, just not the ones my love wished for. Well, I certainly can’t leave any store empty handed, for that is insane. After wandering around and piling clothes upon my tiny arms, I was ready to check out! I got the following:

• 4 Cashmere Sweaters for the Twins
• 2 Carters Footie PJ’s for the Twins
• 1 Pair of Khaki’s for Alexis
• 1 Sweater Dress for Alexis

I spent $20.17 and saved $216.18!!

This about sent me over the edge. I came home and shared all the excitement with the family. I was so pumped up, I went back up there and spent another $24 and saved like $54. That night I was dreaming of the deals I got. I was even day-dreaming about JCPenney’s all day. Even when I had dangerous chemicals on my head for my hair straightening appointment, I just kept thinking about those red stickers.

Soooo, naturally after I got all the kids home from school, I dropped them off with Dad and went BACK TO PENNEY’S! And this was my haul on the third trip:

• 2 Skirts for the Twins
• 2 Leggings for the Twins
• 4 Cashmere Sweaters for the Twins
• 2 Long Sleeved Blouses
• 2 Lacey Tutu Tops for the Twins
• A Pink Polo Shirt for Alexis
• A Long Sleeved Blouse for Alexis

I spent $43.41 and saved $263.49!!!!!

I about fainted! Fainted from ecstasy! Now I know it looks like the guys in the house didn’t get anything. However that’s just not true! In the middle trip they each got a shirt and I also bought Ty-man 2 shirts today at Wal-Mart because I felt bad. He’s a dude though and couldn’t have cared less about the clothes. So that’s my awesome shopping trip!

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. Curtis did end up with his shoes, so the story has a very happy ending! *winksies*

What I Did Today

Well, today I’m going to get a little personal with my life. I won’t divulge too much, but I’ll share a little more than normal. I’ve decided to see a psychiatrist to deal with some issues I’ve had all my life. I won’t go into them, because it’s boring and there’s no need to dump on anyone else unless I have to pay them. So without going into my details, I would like to share what I can.

Prior to any real help, I had to have an orientation type meeting several weeks ago. Then today I had a quick Q & A with a therapist. After this meeting another meeting was scheduled with her and an appointment was made for a meeting with an  actual psychiatrist. Apparently people with advanced degrees like to have meetings. Whateves, I’m down with whatever as long as I gets what I needs.

First of all, at the original orientation there were 5 of us if I remember correctly. And while we were waiting together to be called back into the first of a zillion meetings, there was a general consensus among us all. We were all side-eyeing each other wondering what the hell was causing the crazy in each of us. I wonder what people thought I was there for. I won’t tell you what I thought of the others, but they were clearly plum loco.

So on to today! I sat in the main waiting room with 3 other “ladies”. One of them was probably no older than 20 and she was quietly texting in the corner, so I paid her little attention. Too normal for me. Another “lady” was probably only 40ish, but looked like late 50’s and coughed like an elderly dog on death row. She didn’t really hold my attention either. Boy howdy did “lady” numero three make my drive to Centralia worth it!

First of all, she about took me down in order to beat me to the sign in sheet. Then I heard this angel speak. It was like Jesus whispering in my ear. Or maybe it was like Momma from “Throw Momma From the Train” on a rough day. The cherry on the cigarette was that she would randomly bark out curse words to no one in particular every minute or two. I was more than thrilled when my name was called first.

I don’t know what the hell my therapist was up to, but when I walked into her office I thought I walked into my Grandma’s crib as a kid. The furniture looked like she inherited her great-grandmothers suite. By that I mean it was clean and pristine but the pattern…old lady floral. And Christ on a cracker it was at least 95 degrees in there. She was getting the truth out even if she had to sweat it out of me. I truly expected her to drop a spotlight in my face and ask me where I was on January 3, 2011. (Truth be told, I ain’t tellin’ anyone where I was on January 3, 2011!)

Final thought: I know for a fact that I will NEVER run into any of the “ladies” in a dental office. Zing!

Love,

Stephanie

A Day of Geese

This Saturday the weather was not nose hair freezing cold. Sure it was chilly, but not terrible. I thought it would be fun to go to our local park and feed the winter geese. I’ve been saving bread crusts from peanut butter and jelly sammys; the butt ends from loaves of bread and hot dog buns.

So we bundled all of the kids up and ventured out. Curtis was shocked to see such a massive flock of geese, seagulls and ducks. I wasn’t shocked, but I rarely am anyhow. Next we shared all of the bread fixin’s with our new friends. At one point, an elderly man saddled up to Curtis and began to talk old people style. Apparently we were in the midst of a local celebrity.

You see, he used to be the park warden and probably uses that line to pick up elderly ladies. Curtis seemed impressed and maybe just maybe, started to fall for him. Luckily I was there to save the day and Mr. Park Ranger went along on to his next set of elderly ears.

 

Long story short…The Akerman’s fed geese, ducks and seagulls today and we all had so much fun. We met a handy capable goose that looked like the Elephant Man. His lower beak appeared to be broken. He was still able to eat some bread extra’s and seemed to be handling his birth defect with class and grace, unlike the other rambunctious birds who looked like drunk college kids at a keger. He held his own and probably got the most bread. Good for you, Physical Therapist Patient Goose. Dance like it’s the last dance. Yeah man. Here are a few shots of the fun we had:

Naturally, towards the end of our fun Ty tried to get super close to one of the ducks and proceeded to slide down a tiny hill and was covered in mud and I’d guess poultry waste. Luckily we had lots of bags to put his clothes in for the ride home. Check it out:

He cleaned up and was good to go. It was such a good time. I’m so glad we went. It’s always so nice to spend time with all of the kids and the husband. Getting the kids back into the SUV to go home was the worst part of the day. But I lived to tell about it and you enjoyed it! We’re a great team, you and me!

Love,

Stephanie

A Basketful of Childhood

Christmas with my side of the family was just lovely. They are very sweet, kind and generous people. I have no idea why they like me; I’m the polar opposite of them…when I’m not around them. When surrounded by them, I’m a different person. Ask my husband. Ask my kids. I have two different personalities. Well, two that I currently claim. There’s more, but that’s a story for another day.

So I got some great gifts from my family. My iPod! Some gift cards! Trash Bags! (These are amazing trash bags. Trust me! Great for holiday gift giving. If you’re giving them to me!) As a bonus, I got something special from my dad. He’s getting ready to put my part-time childhood house on the market, so he’s finding treasures of raising two children. He handed me a white basket full of items that were placed there by me as a child – well teenager at most. So I give you the basket of my childhood/teenage years:



1. A picture of my cousin from her senior year in high school – 1997.
2. A small beaded ring that I made when I went through a make my own jewelry phase.
3. Cover Girl Peachy blush.
4. Disposable Razor – Unused thank God!
5. A cough drop and Smartie wrapper.
6. Weird comb.
7. Sweet hair pick.
8. Bristle hair brush. BONUS – Free Hair Included!
9. Surgical scissors. What the hell?
10. Roll of tape.
11. Post It with a JcPenney Account.
12. Student ticket for the 10:15 showing of The Relic on 01/10/97 at Northwest 9. I guess I had a death wish.
13. This is the BEST thing! A tag for a 3X sized piece of clothing purchased at VENTURE! See the up close pic for more dets!
14. A gas receipt. Check out the big pic for some interesting info!
15. A checkbook that was for a shared account between my deceased mom and myself. As I thumbed through that bad boy I found my check to Washington University early application for $50. Worst $50 I ever spent.
16. A keychain for my future college – University of Missouri St. Louis.
17. A small safety pin.
18. A clip.
19. $0.38 in pennies.
20. The basket that I kept all of these cherished possessions in. Sadly the basket was in cherry condition when my dad handed it to me. 10 minutes in my home and the thing is destroyed.
21. A sweet ballpoint pen. Always my favorite!
22. A Perfection curling iron. Since I now process my hair to stick straight, I would be happy to send this lil gem to a new home!
23. 2 Avon Cool Confidence Baby Powder Scent Roll-On Anti-Perspirant Deodorant. By the way, one is empty and one is full. Why would I not through that one away? Why won't I throw them both away now?
24. Some trash from a tissue box. It appears I’ve always enjoyed Soft’n Gentle. I’m not a Hard’n Rough kinda girl. At least not with my tissues. Za-zing!
25. 3oz jar of Walgreens brand Decongestant Vaporizing Rub.

The receipt from the local Citgo shows that I paid $1.13 a gallon for gas. My total was a whopping $10.00! If I can fill up the SUV for under $60, I don’t sob…as much.



Okay, this is my FAVORITE! This is a tag for some sort of clothing in the fashionable color of ASH! It’s in size 3x! (FYI I’m now a 6/8! Not bragging, just saying. Screw it…I’m bragging! Hey did you hear I’m a 6/8 now? It’s true!!) And finally the clothing purchase was made at VENTURE! The store that no longer exists! Perfect. Just perfect.

So there is my life. My life in a white plastic basket.

Love,

Stephanie

Also note, I probably used my mother's gas card for this purchase. Here's a little secret: My brother and I charged the shit out of that gas card. One perk of having an alcoholic mother with fair credit. Unlimited gas station charging! Who wants a Slim Jim? Oh and don't worry about the secret, you don't have to keep it. My mom's dead. So no harm, no foul!