Well, well, well. We’re the hell have I been? I’ve got a lot of nerve showing my gorgeous mug here in such a long time. Well, long story short – kidney stones. They’ve taken over my life. But I won’t bore you with the details or urine (HA!) for the long haul! So to keep it alive in here, I'll tell you what I’ve been thinking about and dealing with at my favorite place in Mount Vernon, Illinois. Why, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s my Wal-Mart Supercenter! Hurray! So, get on it with it, I say!
Here we go:
Why do the chumps that are forced to work in an outdated photo lab given a white lab coat? Are they doing biological research back there with all of the expired developing chemicals? Hey, “Justin” you’re no pharmacist, get that coat off and get in the dark blue polo we gave you. You can’t pull rank in here until you pass the grocery test, and you’ve only got one more chance to pass it. So use the time you’re not developing anything, which is all shift, and study your lettuce. Damnit, Justin, get it together or you’ll be helping old women figure out why their 110 camera has turned to dust forever.
While I’m on the subject of the elderly, have you ever watched one look at a laptop? It’s adorable! (By adorable, I clearly mean sad.) They’re pushing buttons randomly, no clue what the hell is happening. Watching them attempt to maneuver the mouse is hilarious at best. Gramma, just deal with the fact that by the time you figure it out, you’ll have been dead for years. Move on.
Okay, I saw something amazing today. It was what dreams are made of. I’m not good about whipping out the camera phone to have proof of things, mostly because I’m not sneaky. I may as well ask the freak I want to mock to hold still while I figure out how to get the damn phone off of speaker. So I drew it. In Photoshop. Please remember that I’m no artist. Shit. Remember that I don’t get paid to be an artist, so I’m half-assing this in. (More like 1/3 assing it.) I saw this gentleman in the “arts and crafts department” enjoy:
I’m talking about a sweet beard that would make ZZ Top drop to their arthritic knees in honor. It was a site to behold. I really hope this man is someone’s awesome grandpa. I bet he rode there on his Hog. (Harley for those of you not awesome.) On another note, if my mother was still alive and met this guy, I would be calling him Step Dad before the end of the day.
For the grand finale, I present the stand up styling of Stephanie Akerman! Apparently there’s a storm a brewin’! I know because every GD redneck in the tri-county area was at Wal-Mart buyin’ up all the eatin’s. So, I have to wait in the frozen food section because fuck wads have no manners and think I don’t mind if every one blocks the aisle on both sides to decide on the best fish sticks. I’m a Van de Kamps gal myself. This is a transcript of my time spent in the frozen food aisle:
Guy: Ohhh! Look honey, chicken and broccoli.
Gal: YUM!
Guy: Holy shit! Alfredo? Frozen? Sweet!
Gal: Mmmhmm
Meanwhile on the other side of the aisle; elderly woman decides on frozen chicken blobs. By decides I mean stares at them and opens and closes the doors several dozen times slowly defrosting the chicken scraps before my eyes. Back to Guy and Gal.
Guy: Roasted. Red. Peppers. Oh my God.
BLAMMO! The bag of peppers slams forward off the shelf towards the couple as if God was trying to sell some product. Cue gorgeous lady waiting like a silent dove.
Me: Well, if that’s not a sign from the Wal-Mart Gods, I don’t know what is!
Guy: (Hysterical laughter)
Gal: (Hysterical laughter)
Elderly Woman: (Hysterical laughter)
So, I forget the product I was after, nodded with the acceptable acknowledgement and turn out of the aisle. Hey, you’ve got to leave on a high note. Plus, I ain’t being funny for free. You get one laugh, after that, you pay!
Okay, once last thing. Once I got home and empty the bags, I realized I didn’t get one bag. Normally I would have just left it and moved on with my life. Sure, I would have bitched to Curtis and he would nod and offer to go get it, but I’d say no and just sulk. But for crying out loud, the bag had cupcakes and MY GD TWIX PEANUT BUTTER 4 TO GO CANDY BAR. I have had no appetite for a week, but those two things sounded good. (My fat self always gets in my mind. She’s hungry!) So I marched my ass back up to a scene from Lord of the Flies and thank God she set it aside. I told her I’d only ever come back for a bag with those two contents in it. She agreed and I made it home. Barely.
Good night and God bless.
Stephanie
(Oh, I assure you that I will not allow my kidneys to run my life anymore. You filter my pee and stay in line. You can stuff those stones in the other direction, jerko.)
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