Adventures in St. Louis

Well, I made it back from STL in one piece. I’m down some cash, but that’s just fine by my hubby. Because I’m more relaxed than I’ve been in a long time. And I got to shop til I dropped, in a real mall! At stores like, Aeropostale and Banana Republic and TARGET! I actually stopped and shopped at two different Targets! Oh yeah and I got to meet my favorite blogger: Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman! So here’s the story of that adventure!

My amazing little brother, Stevie accompanied me on the ride! When we pulled up to the library where she was signing we were shocked to realize we were probably 400^th or so in line! And even after we got there, the number about doubled. So we got line tickets like she was the Pope!

It was a long wait but after she did a little Q & A we were able to roam about the library. Now if you know my brother and I at all, you can imagine that it was a riot being together. We even got the giggles during the intro and we could barely hold it together, but it made the time go quickly. I may have caught Stevie being bad:

Well, it was a three-hour wait, what else would we do, behave? So here’s some pictures of the fun!

This is Ree speaking and sweating and just being adorable.

This is her husband, Marlboro Man. The line to get his photo and his signature was just as long as Ree’s. I made Steve get his picture.

This is me telling Ree what an inspiration her blog is to me. She was so nice and kind to everyone who met her. She personalized each book and took tons of photos. She told me she loved my hair! I was shocked and squealed with delight, probably humiliating my little brother. But he laughed and took the pictures through his embarrassment.

Here is the product of 3+ hours of waiting while grown woman chatted around us about every tweet and move that The Pioneer Woman has made in the last 5 years. It was silly and stupid all at the same time! But I LOVE my book even more!

Here is the free breakfast I got from my hotel this morning. It was so yummy I ate it all and passed out for 2 hours. I barely made it out at checkout time!

Then I went crazy shopping! I won’t bore you with all the awesome deals, but I will show you one purchase I made:

Some black Chucks! I have them in red and black now! I’m going to own every color! I really ended up getting a whole new wardrobe and lots of things for the house. I had a great time but I am happy to be home.

Side note: My wonderful family cleaned the house from top to bottom including laundry so I wouldn’t come home to work! What a great vacation! I can’t wait to sleep in my bed tonight!

Love,

Stephanie

A Short List

A Short List of Things I Hate:

1. Marshmallow Peebles cereal. I thought Barney Rubble wouldn’t steer me wrong. That son of a bitch must have taste buds equal to Fred’s asshole. This cereal was total shit. I took one bite and spit it out then dumped a full bowl into the trash. Vile, just vile.

2. The woman who picks up her kids from school in her karate / tae kwon do costume (uniform?). “Oh look at me; I’m an orange belt at picking up my kids at school.” Lady, get out of your pajamas and join the rest of the adults the real world.

3. Steampunk. In my opinion, Steampunk is really just a goth kid with a brain injury that makes him think it’s the Victorian Era. Same shit, different dorks.

4. Lady Gaga. Listen, I like her music, I just can’t stand her schtick. She’s led a pretty nice life growing up and I’m to believe she went through the shit my brother or I went through. I call shenanigans. I think she’s trying to hard to keep her gays loyal. But who am I? I just listen to the music, not consult, no never again.

5. How All of Burt’s Bees Lip Balms stink to high hell and that sucks because it works amazingly, just stinks.

And that’s it for tonight! Tomorrow I meet one of my favorite authors and get to hang out with my favorite brother. If anyone wants to join us or me, let me know! All friends are welcomed. Come and help me have some fun in the Lou.

Love,

Stephanie

Sorry Fellas!

I don’t know why or when I started taking a turn for the girlie. Maybe it was the inclusion of 3 children of the female persuasion. Maybe it was discovering that I like having my hair and nails done. Or maybe it’s because I dropped a shit ton of weight! I’m talking 130+ in lbs. So maybe the gene to want to look attractive has finally hit her puberty.

Now, I’m a normal house fraus day to day. But once in awhile I want to play with makeup and get all girlie! Plus, EEK! It makes me feel pretty and builds my self-confidence, even if just for the evening before bed. I totally love the retro pin-up chick look. I’ve even started watching YouTube videos to learn the look. I spent a shit load of money today on all new makeup and I think it turned out pretty well.

Hmm, if I want to start dressing girlier I’ll need a whole new wardrobe…in a single digit size. GO ME! If Curtis doesn’t get a raise soon, I’m afraid I may have to sell something to keep up with my habit…like one of the kids. (I kid.) (Do I?) (Hmm. I do love clothes.)

So check me out and keep your terrible comments in your thoughts. But be sure to share the awesome ones! Oh, I tried to photograph myself with my glasses on, but my stupid ears wrecked everything. Do you think Curtis will pay for me to have my ears evened out? Maybe with a boob job, huh? I’ll ask then.

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I’ll always be a tomboy at heart. I love my football! Is it September yet?

Sweet Dreams

Thanks to this everlasting cold and the kidney issues I’ve had recently I have been pretty sleep-deprived. So I’ve been drugging myself nightly in hopes of finding the illusive thing that is slumber. Because of the mass drugging (NyQuil, Melatonin, Benedryl and etc.) I have been having bizarre dreams.

Edgar and Me Go to the Zoo

I have a friend from high school named, Matt Edgar. He is lovingly referred to as Edgar. He is amazing! He is hilarious. He is kind to animals. He hates people. He is brilliant in the brains department AND he loves snakes and other reptiles. So, now that you know about Edgar here is what happened in my dream two nights ago:

Edgar is a herpetologist at the wonderful St. Louis Zoo. He has told me numerous times to let him know when I’ll be at the zoo and he’ll show us around…VIP style!

So in this dream I get to the zoo and met up with Edgar. We catch up and chitchat. Then he takes me to the Big Cat area, which I LOVE! (I want to be a Big Cat Keeper when I grow up! I would snuggle those kitties until they mauled me. That’s how I plan to die, FYI!)

He takes me into this room with all of these deformed kittens and in walks a teacher I had in Pre-Med. I never went to Pre-Med classes. I signed up, but switched schools, got married, got knocked up, and then wrote this. So I don’t know how I knew she was a former teacher, but I just knew. It’s a dream let’s move on.

Then Edgar says, “Later.” And leaves me with this weirdo and I get the vibe we are going to be doing some experiments on these cats. Luckily I woke up before anything else happened. As I was rubbing my eyes I thought, “Fuck you, Edgar.”

Scene

Sweet dreams, kiddies!

Love,

Stephanie

If I can remember any more dreams, I'll be sure to post them. They are messed up!

How I Lost My Readers

It’s official, I’m a failure. Well, not me as a whole, but parts of me. As you may recall, last month I was diagnosed with the deadly condition known as a kidney stone. They tell me it was 4.5mm in size, but the pain I was in, told me that their “ruler” was off and it was at least 3.2 meters in length. At least. Well, it was thought that I had past that VW bus, but due to the amount of pain I have begun incurring once again, they was all kinds of wrong. One should not be in pain when beginning to pee. Or finishing the act of peeing. Or just being awake and not peeing or even thinking of peeing. But alas, I was once again on the doormat at death’s house.

So I talked to my urologist, Dr. P. Wouldn’t that be great if that was his name. Hell, for all you know, it is. So Dr. P set up a “procedure” for this Friday to extract the 7ft 3in stone apparently caught in traffic on the way out of my urethra. God knows how many other giant rocks he’ll be able to extract while he’s digging around in my nethers.

In the meantime, I thought, I should see my O.G. doc, Dr. Warner, she’s old skool. Not really, but she is nice. And she listens to me bitch and moan about my pee and the pain I’m in and also why does she have to be so quick to see me? Sometimes I just want to read a magazine and sit in silence. But NOOO, she’s quick and good at her job. But I digress.

Okay, so I tell her the happs with my pee sitch and she does a UA (Urinalysis for those who ain’t hip!). Well, stop the presses cause this pee is something amazing! They’ve never seen the pee strip turn such a beautiful shade of purple; fuchsia is the actual color choice she went with. And boy did my pee smell awful (yeah, like you pee strawberry soda, lady) and it was so cloudy and full of blood! Call the news! Hang this pee strip on the town square for all to admire. For I am the Pee Queen! Bring me your TP!

Blah, blah, blah. Story old as time. So, she gives me some meds to get me to Friday when my stones will be free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last. She does warn me that the one pill MAY turn my urine orange. No big, I’ve seen and been worse off. Orange pee? Bring it. So I take the pill. One pill. I take my bath this evening and as I’m getting ready to leave the warmth of my water cocoon, I decide to do a most disgusting deed. I peed a little in the tub.

We’ve all done it, I just decided to tell the world. We’re all the same, and it’s all pipes, people. So as I step out, I look down into the tub and to my horror I have discovered that I have dyed the full tub of water bright orangish-yellow. Now, I didn’t spring a leak, it was like a dribble. The last little bit before you wipe. It’s gross, I’m trying to move on, but this was nothing short of Jesus amazing. I had to call Curtis up to see what I’ve done. He was grossed out and shocked. He was ready to race me to the ER. But I had my giggle and let him in on it. If we had boiled eggs, we would be set with light orange Easter eggs. But I didn’t think ahead, my bad. And that my reader is how I lost my followers, by writing this out, with no shame! (Just to stop the requests, I will not dye your eggs for you. Unless the price is right!)

Love,

Stephanie

Don't be jealous.

In the Akerman home we have a little fun tradition we started. Curtis and I go to the dollar store and pick out a ton of little toys, stickers, books and little gifts in general for the kids. We take brown lunch bags and put one or two of the gifts in. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, the kids all get to pick a bag and we have GRAB BAG TIME after breakfast. The kids really love it, because they get a new little something to play with and share with each other.

So! Addyson got a package of iCarly stickers and some star shaped sunglasses this weekend. Well, thanks to GRAB BAG TIME we are now the proud owners of a custom designed, one of a kind pair of Uggs and coffee table! Check them out:

Please ignore the $10 table. We only purchase Craigslist furniture at this point in life, because I really don’t think I’d like a $100 custom designed, one of a kind coffee table designed by Addy. Once the children stop jumping off of furniture or can handle markers without drawing all over the surface under the paper then I’ll take pride in nice furniture. Until then, it’s Sanford and Son here and there!

(Oh and please know that those Uggs are Curtis's and that's why they're so rough looking. Man wore them to death until he got new ones from the 'rents for X-Mas. 'Rents, sorry I'm so lame sometimes.)

Oh and I also thought you’d like to see that we got a custom designed, one of a kind Addyson as well.

It’s not snowing or freezing here, suckers!

Stephanie