How I Lost My Readers

It’s official, I’m a failure. Well, not me as a whole, but parts of me. As you may recall, last month I was diagnosed with the deadly condition known as a kidney stone. They tell me it was 4.5mm in size, but the pain I was in, told me that their “ruler” was off and it was at least 3.2 meters in length. At least. Well, it was thought that I had past that VW bus, but due to the amount of pain I have begun incurring once again, they was all kinds of wrong. One should not be in pain when beginning to pee. Or finishing the act of peeing. Or just being awake and not peeing or even thinking of peeing. But alas, I was once again on the doormat at death’s house.

So I talked to my urologist, Dr. P. Wouldn’t that be great if that was his name. Hell, for all you know, it is. So Dr. P set up a “procedure” for this Friday to extract the 7ft 3in stone apparently caught in traffic on the way out of my urethra. God knows how many other giant rocks he’ll be able to extract while he’s digging around in my nethers.

In the meantime, I thought, I should see my O.G. doc, Dr. Warner, she’s old skool. Not really, but she is nice. And she listens to me bitch and moan about my pee and the pain I’m in and also why does she have to be so quick to see me? Sometimes I just want to read a magazine and sit in silence. But NOOO, she’s quick and good at her job. But I digress.

Okay, so I tell her the happs with my pee sitch and she does a UA (Urinalysis for those who ain’t hip!). Well, stop the presses cause this pee is something amazing! They’ve never seen the pee strip turn such a beautiful shade of purple; fuchsia is the actual color choice she went with. And boy did my pee smell awful (yeah, like you pee strawberry soda, lady) and it was so cloudy and full of blood! Call the news! Hang this pee strip on the town square for all to admire. For I am the Pee Queen! Bring me your TP!

Blah, blah, blah. Story old as time. So, she gives me some meds to get me to Friday when my stones will be free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last. She does warn me that the one pill MAY turn my urine orange. No big, I’ve seen and been worse off. Orange pee? Bring it. So I take the pill. One pill. I take my bath this evening and as I’m getting ready to leave the warmth of my water cocoon, I decide to do a most disgusting deed. I peed a little in the tub.

We’ve all done it, I just decided to tell the world. We’re all the same, and it’s all pipes, people. So as I step out, I look down into the tub and to my horror I have discovered that I have dyed the full tub of water bright orangish-yellow. Now, I didn’t spring a leak, it was like a dribble. The last little bit before you wipe. It’s gross, I’m trying to move on, but this was nothing short of Jesus amazing. I had to call Curtis up to see what I’ve done. He was grossed out and shocked. He was ready to race me to the ER. But I had my giggle and let him in on it. If we had boiled eggs, we would be set with light orange Easter eggs. But I didn’t think ahead, my bad. And that my reader is how I lost my followers, by writing this out, with no shame! (Just to stop the requests, I will not dye your eggs for you. Unless the price is right!)

Love,

Stephanie