School Christmas Programs - 2011 - Ty, Addy and Kenzy Edition

Tonight was my three youngest kids school Christmas programs. You know me, I generally keep my head straight and don't notice things around me. Well, tonight I saw some things. Rather than spell it all outwith words and junk, I quickly drew stupid looking stick people to illustrate. I apologize for the terrible art. If anyone from art school is looking at this, don't look at this, go back to wence you came.

Here is Ty's program goodies:

Click it! It's easier to read, dummy.

Here are the twins program goodies:

Didn't I already tell you to click it, dummy?

You gotta read this.

Dear Internetz,

I’ve got such a heartwarming and nice story to restart my blog with. If you consider dealing with Charter for a week, heartwarming and nice that is.  I am not one of those people. Let’s break it down, shall we?

We needed a new line run (ran?) (runned?) (inserted?) into Curtis’s office for his modem upgrade. (The Akerman’s have a severe case of OCD. Obsession with Computers Disorder. It’s fun. And expensive.) So, Curtis calls Charter and sets up an appointment for Friday between 3 and 5.

Don't open that door in the hallway.

FRIDAY

3 – 4:30 pm – No contact from Charter or Tech.

4:45 pm – Curtis calls Charter. We’re next on the list! Tech should be on his way! This is great because Curtis has a Raid at 7 pm so this should give him ample time!

4:46 pm – Tech calls! Say he’s in the Wal-Mart parking lot (SURPRISE!) with his broken down truck. He’s waiting on the money order to come in that his Pappy was sending to get the truck fixed.

4:46:30 pm – Tech tells Curtis if he wants to front the tech the cash to fix the truck, he can be here that night! Curtis wants to resched. (Obvs.) Tech says he’ll be over Saturday morning between 8 and 10 am. Slow Raid for Curtis that night! Less expensive though.

A new battery is all she needs!  Be there in 10! (Years.)

SATURDAY

10:30 am – Curtis calls tech. Tech wants info on job. Says it shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes to complete. However he’s just starting a job at the time and will be here asap!

11:30 am – Tech calls. 10 minutes away!

12:00 pm – Curt shows tech the layout of the castle. Tech begins “My Current Life Situation Using Fuck at Length!”


12:01 pm - Tech tells Curtis – “Blah blah fucking truck.” “Blah fucking dad blah money order blah $85 needed fucking $95.” “Pushed fucking truck home blah blah.” “Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.” “Should be done in 15 fucking minutes. Fuck.”

FUCK.

1:03 pm – Finishes up fucking work. Fucking leaves. Fucking doesn’t close gate to backyard.

1:45 pm – Alexis realizes dogs are gone and shits a brick. Almost literally. I'd call it more like a banana. I'm an artist though. I see things in other things.

2:00 pm – We find dogs in neighborhood.

2:05 pm – Together we remember why this fucking pithole is such fucking fantastic place to live in. It’s the people. And the fucking cursing.

Why Facebook? WHY?

Why yes, I am posting with little mention of the time I've been gone.

Facebook? Why are you changing things? Is it to drive my friends insane? It appears to be working. Their statuses are of all the same terror filled messages. They're all scared of the change. (Not that change! Well, probably that change too. But the Facebook change in this instance.) So I am here to settle the unsettled masses!

Not Facebook's logo. I was just seeing if you were paying attention! Carry on!

You’ll get used to it everyone. Chillax as the hip elderly peeps say! This time next week you’ll have forgotten all about the “change”. But I think you should still keep the other “change” near the front of your mind because that shit is scary. Or that’s what I hear anyhow. Hot and cold at the same time? That’s just another day in my life. Hormonal changes? Call my hubby and kids; they’ll vouch for me.

Grandpa! That's too chillax. And that's a basketball.

Anywho, this is a pretty good article explaining some of the bigger changes: http://searchengineland.com/newspaper-inspired-facebook-layout-will-deliver-more-interesting-stories-a-real-time-ticker-93549

Read that and watch the video. You’ll pick up a lot of info.

We're all hungry for knowledge, Miss. Now I know why I'm not as smart as I could be.

 I'm absorbing information through the wrong part of my body.

Please calm down. Please stop posting about the change. We all know you hate it. We all know that you’ll be over it in a few days. Since you’re sitting at home or on your cellular telephone while on the go, just click around. I’m a self taught computer genius because I can click and read and re-tweak and click, click, click. You’re on there bitching about the change so use that time and learn the new layout and tools. For me? I’ll love you forever!

I still can't get on Facebook.  Stupid changes. 

Has anyone even noticed the changes on Google? Don’t get me started on that! Go start a game of Words with Friends with me I’ll keep your mind off the change. Plus I’m bored.

In case you didn’t know, I had a tummy tuck on May 31^st and this is an update from that surgery! I’m getting sleepy, so I’m making this pretty quick!

1. I had two drains, one got pulled today. The other remains jammed into the top of my hoo-ha. Once it decides to stop draining the blood out of me, it too shall be yanked. Then I will be very close to going swimming.
2. I no longer have to wear a girdle. Doc said I could if I needed it. I threw it in his face and begged him to burn it.
3. He said my skin looked happy and the humongous scar I shall live with was healing beautifully.
4. A few more weeks and the swelling should subside and my new rockin’ bod will emerge. He didn’t mention this, but I could read it in his eyes.
5. I go back in two weeks to hopefully have Drain Diablo ripped out.
6. Oh and I forgot! My new belly button is gorgeous! Even with a few scabs! 

I’m finally at the point where I don’t question what I’ve done to myself! I can’t wait to get some new clothes soon! There’s the short of it all! If you have any questions, I don’t mind answering em!

Stephanie

What I Did On My Memorial Day Weekend - EDGAR...READ THIS!

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Here’s the thing about my mom.

She’s dead. But that doesn’t mean her memories are. I have so many ridiculous memories of my mom. We rarely got along, which makes it tough now, but I deal.

Mom, Me and Dad

Circa 1979ish, I believe.

See, I was a natural blonde!

She was an alcoholic. But she was much nicer drunk than sober, which was a double-edged knife, as you can imagine. She was verbally viscous. But she was very sensitive and certainly had at least a little bit of remorse when her words stung. She was terrible with money. But we never lived like we were poor. We always got what we needed and then some. Of course this also meant we ate a lot of Cap’N Crunch. I ABHOR it now. But that’s okay because it scratches the roof of your mouth anyhow.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4-lung cancer in November 2001. I remember when she called Curtis and I and summoned us to the house along with my brother and her long time boyfriend Al. She sat us all down and laid it all out there. “I have lung cancer.” She didn’t shed a tear. But as I recall I began to sob and my brother did too. I asked her if she was going to fight it. And as the strong woman she was, she assured us she was going to do everything she could to beat it.

What followed seemed like it lasted forever but in the end, it felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. I remember the day she asked us, my brother and I, to shave her head once the chemo and radiation started to make her hair fall out. She never wanted a wig, even when I offered to buy one for her. She sometimes wore bandanas, but she mainly let her baldhead shine. She really pulled it off. I really thought she was so brave to do that. I don’t think I ever could.

I was newly pregnant with our first child during her battle and she suggested I name the baby Eunice. Sorry, mom, I just couldn’t do that. But Curtis suggested we use mom’s middle name for our daughter’s middle name.

I had Alexis Lynn on April 21, 2002. Mom visited the next day. I was royally annoyed that she didn’t come up to the hospital once while I was in labor. Until it finally, years later I might add, occurred to me that she had cancer and that can feel pretty shitty. I assume this of course.

In July she had to call 911 because she couldn’t feel her legs and collapsed. I met them at the hospital and hours later we were told the cancer had metastasized to her spine and there was actually a giant tumor growing on it. They couldn’t operate, they could just help her with the pain and that was basically it.

She stayed in the hospital until September when she finally convinced all of us to let her come home to die. We begged for her to stay in the hospital. We were sure we couldn’t do much at home for her. Steven was only 21 and I had a newborn baby to tend to. Luckily I only lived a mile or so away so I could visit and help out when I could, but Steven basically gave up being 21 to care for his bedridden 47-year-old mother.

My brother did everything for her. They loved each other so deeply as most mothers and sons do. But their bond was amazing.  Luckily Hospice came several days a week and at one point she gathered us again and we witnessed her sign the DNR. It was awful, but it was the right decision. On September 31, 2002 at 5 am, I received a call I’ll never forget. “I think mom just died. I was laying in bed with her and I heard and felt her last breath.” Steven cried.

I raced as fast I could to get there for my brother. What the hells were we suppose to do? A 24 and 21 year old forced to decide what to do after having our mother die. Luckily mom’s best friend and our close friend, Karen lived near. We called her and she was there faster than a jet. She called hospice that then called the ambulance and so one.

One thing I remember is Karen taking Steven and me to a back room so we didn’t have to witness the body bag zipping up. We all three hugged and cried together while business was tended to and finished. She helped us with the funeral and burial. She helped us with the paperwork for the insurance. She started a collection for Alexis’s college in my mother’s name. She was a true gift from God.

I need to thank my cousins for helping so much with her care. We’ll never forget what you did for her and us. We love you so much.

So, remember when you are pissed at your mom for whatever reason, just know that you are lucky enough to be able to hear her voice again. One note - we couldn’t delete her answering machine outgoing message because it was the last sort of physical connection we had to her. I think the tape is still around in a box somewhere. It would be so great to hear it.

So there you have it. The last piece of my mom I have, now in memory form!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

P.S. This might be a reason why I FUCKING hate Mother’s Day. Whaddya think?

P.S.S. Sorry for the sad unbelievably long story. I’ll try to get my funny back on next time.

P.S.S. I realized after all of this, the bad memories I have of my childhood grow less and less prominent in my mind. Suddenly I can look past the shit and see the rainbow. It’s pretty nice, really.



A Drive-By Post

Things my children have learned about me so far in life: 

• The more you ask mommy the same question over and over will guarantee you will get what you want.

• Mommy doesn’t hit when she gets mad, however she will scream like a raving lunatic until she breaks down into a puddle of tears.

• It’s okay to say bad words as long as it’s in a song.

• Mommy doesn’t like us being in the kitchen while she’s cooking but we like to keep her on her toes by running through the kitchen like banshees and occasionally we open the refrigerator and try to eat dinner ingredients. Adjust the menu now!

• Mommy taught us that all the other drivers are idiots and it’s okay for us to yell at them with her. (We’re also allowed to curse at other cars when warranted.)

• When we go into a store, Mommy has decided she will not force us to hold her hand or sit in a cart anymore. She’ll just say, “Goodbye.” And we better get to her or we’ll miss our chance to whine and scream for candy at the checkout. (We always get the candy. She’s so easy. Right, Daddy? * wink, wink. )

• We know a lot of quotes from movies we’ll never see because Mommy and Daddy talk to each with the quotes all of the time. Someday will be able to laugh like crazy people when we say them. Just like our parents.

• No matter how much we annoy, terrorize, scream, cry or whine Mommy will always love us. (Unless we take her food when her back is turned. She really hates that. Just ask our 3-fingered brother, Ty)

Tomorrow I’ll write a little bit about my mother. Which will be hard because it’s the eighth year I haven’t been able to get her a mom themed mug (or beer koozy, who am I kidding?) or a cheesy macaroni masterpiece. Until tomorrow…

JDRF Roundup

We just wanted to take a second and thank all of the good people who donated to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF). As of today, Alexis has raised $156 all on her own. (With a big help from Facebook!)

Below you’ll find the names of those who were generous enough to donate. If you don’t see your name and you sent money either via PayPal or snail mail, please email me right away and I’ll figure out what’s up.

Nana Rigano

Matt Edgar

Raymond

Linda

Kate

Ellen Strawn

Kelly McGrail

Jennifer Rosenburg-Banes

Norma

Christy Horton

Grandma and Grandpa Boyd

Once again, many thanks and blessings to all.

Love,

Alexis and Stephanie

It's Matt's turn!

Last Nights Dream! Guest Starring Matt Meyer!

(Not Matt)

I finally had a dream that had my friend Matt in it. (He’s been jealous ever since our friend Edgar was in a previous dream of mine.) It’s a little fuzzy but what I can remember is strange at best. Matt was pushing me in a wheelchair through an airport. It seemed like a futuristic type of airport. Like strange shops and weird buzzing noises. Nothing says the future like buzzing! We were trying to make some flight, I believe.

So he’s pushing me while eating a vanilla ice cream cone with nuts on it. (You can make your own assumptions on nuts in a dream. Use your imaginations.) We roll up on this shoe store and I hop up and start trying on shoes. Matt keeps eating his cone and ventures away. It wasn’t clear, but I got the feeling he was looking for his wife. (She was probably hiding.) That’s it for Matt’s guest appearance, not very exciting or vulgar. But I totally want to go shoe shopping now. Preferably not in an airport though.

Love,

Stephanie

Grandma's Visitation Party

It’s that time again. Time for me to break it down. As most of you know, my grandmother passed away earlier this week. Keep the “I’m so sorry for you loss” and “God Bless” condolences to a minimum, please. I’m fine, I wasn’t close to her and on top of that the poor woman was fighting a terrible battle, so it’s best that she was able to finally pass quietly at home. Now that that’s out of the way, let me talk about the ragtag bunch of maniacs that call me, Stevie’s sister.

Here’s a little back-story: I haven’t talked or seen this side of my family since my grandfather passed away over 5 years ago. Wanna know why? I bet you do. And I bet my family reading this wants to know why too.

Here it is – After my mother’s funeral her friends had a memorial at her favorite bar (which is actually a bowling alley lounge). So my family all met over there and a lot of them proceeded to drink mass amounts of alcohol. Most of them paid their tabs and drove home drunk. Except for my Uncle Wayne and his oldest son, Chad.

Oh they got drunk and drove home, but they did not however pay their tab. THEY SKIPPED OUT ON A BAR TAB AT A MEMORIAL. At the time Alexis was only a few months old, I had just lost my mother and I had to deal with all kinds of paperwork and BS to get the funeral, burial expenses and etc. paid for. Then these motherfuckers left me sitting there with a $200+ bill to pay. I was hysterical as I’m sure you can imagine.

Luckily I have adopted aunts that took it upon themselves and paid it for me. They’ve never mentioned it to me or asked for the money back. These aunts have zero relationship with the two bums. They’re not related and they certainly aren’t friends. Since that incident, I’ve basically held a grudge. I know I shouldn’t have, especially since the people I love and actually like had nothing to do with it.

Now, fast forward to my grandmother’s passing. I decided it was time to get over it and reconnect with my family. I visited Grandmas a few days before she passed and I met up with my favorite cousin, Sonya and all my other cousins and their kids. It was really nice and so fun to see them all. It was like I was never gone.

Luckily I was able to make it to the visitation for my grandmother last evening. Sure it was somber until I got there. Then I turned that shit into Stephanie’s Comedy Tour. It helps that my family is really low key. Also wearing 1980’s acid washed jeans, t-shirts and leather biker jackets with an excessive amount of chains hanging off of it is an acceptable ensemble for a funeral home for some people in my family. To be fair, that was just a handful of distant relatives I didn’t know, but that didn’t stop them from accosting me and kissing my face while sobbing onto my shoulder and making inappropriate back rubbing motions. But I’m kinda prude.

I think the best way to do this is to list people that were there.

1. Sonya – She is my favorite cousin. We make each other laugh, but not just laugh, but laugh hysterically. She can always make me smile and she keeps spirits up even when it’s so easy to be sad. Sonya is an amazing mother. She actually did our grandmother’s makeup and hair for burial. She did a great job, could’ve used more rouge, but who’s gonna notice? Plus we tried to touch up Grandma’s lipstick during the visitation, but my Aunt Cindy put a stop to that! In short, Sonya is the best human alive.

1b. Nick – Sonya’s better half. He was quiet except to laugh when I made a hilarious joke, which was often. Plus he doesn’t like Key Lime gum, just like me! AND he puts up with Sonya and it actually appears that they love each other. Good for them. (Poor Nick.)

2. Jenn – She is Sonya’s sister and my cousin. She has 9 to 12 kids, I lost count. They were everywhere. Jenn is a great mom too. But she’s a little too pleasant and polite for my taste. I like brash and trashy, that ain’t Jenn. But I still love her!

2b. John – Jenn’s husband. I didn’t get to talk to him much, but he appeared to be some sort of medical responder. He had on a sort of EMT uniform. Or maybe he’s a stripper that performs as Captain John. I don’t know. It was a funeral, I wasn’t going to ask him to work. Plus I didn’t have any $1 on me.

3. Aunt Cindy and Uncle Roby – Cindy is my mom’s sister and Roby is Cindy’s husband (try to keep up!). They were doing great. They seemed happy and sober! That’s a big deal in my family! They didn’t do anything funny so I’m moving on.

4. Aunt Terry – Terry is my mom’s sister. Time has been wonderfully kind to my Aunt Terry. As I child I remember her looking a little worn out, of course 6 kids will do that to you, I suppose. But when I saw her, she was  glowing! She looks amazing. It’s probably because her 6 kids are grown up and she has some peace! Onward!

5. Uncle Wayne – Wayne is my mom’s brother. He put on a keg of beer to portray his waist and he appears to dislike shaving. Didn’t talk to him, read above as to why.

5b. Chad the Creeper – This piece of shit didn’t recognize me since I lost all the weight. Once we told him who I was, he was shocked and kept trying to hit on me. I’d be Facebooking (yes at the funeral, Grandma didn’t know) and all of a sudden this fucking creeper would be over my shoulder reading my shit. I about had to pop him several times. I had to dodge him all night. WE’RE COUSINS, STOP HITTING ON ME. PLUS YOU’RE UGLY AND GROSS…MOVE ON.

6. Fat Pat – Pat used to be married to Wayne. She was/is a royal bitch. She used to call Sonya and I fat when we were little. We loved to watch cheer competitions (shut up) on TV and Pat once told us we were too fat to be cheerleaders. Obviously we let that go because we only mention it every time we see each other. But I digress. Pat kept trying to talk to me and I’m very polite in person so I faked interest but totally ripped her a new one when her back was turned. She can eat a big one because I hate her and her fat guts. By the way, I’m way skinnier than her now…so is Sonya! Go us!

6b. Melissa – Melissa is Wayne and Pat’s daughter. She’s pregnant. She’s a hypochondriac. She also works at my eye doctor. That’s about all there is to know about Melissa.

7. Peter – Peter is my mom’s brother. He used to be a bigwig in the entertainment world. At least that’s what I’ve been told. He directed the Bell Biv DeVoe Poison video. So I’ve been told. He cornered me at one point and talked for a good 20 minutes about all the amazing and wonderful things he’s done and his kids are doing. I was bored at about the :45 mark. He asked for my number to keep in touch and like a fucking idiot I gave him the right number. So I may need to change it if the calls begin. Please God, make him lose my number. Or the ability to brag. Either or, it’s your choice, you’re the God between us.

8. Chaddy – Chaddy is my cousin Jenn’s oldest son. This guy is so adorable! We’ve become fast friends. I wish we lived closer because I’d totally hang out with him. He’d probably make me go do weird Carlyle stuff. I’d make him go to the mall with me. We’d be great friends! Maybe one day he’ll move to Mount Vernon and I’ll take him to a Wal-Mart that is open 24 hours. The one in Carlyle is not. Those poor people! Anyhow, I adore Chaddy. Oh and we’re gum buddies now too!

Okay, those were the main players. There were lots of other characters there. I have at least 52-76 cousins, so the head count was high, the teeth count…lower. I kid because I love them.

I don’t want to forget to share that I held a gum tasting in the middle of the room. I wanted to get opinions of others on my gum choices. Everyone else loved the shitty Stride gum that changes flavors. And all but two loved the Key Lime Pie gum. Clearly my palate is more defined than theirs. But it’s okay to be different, we don’t all have to like the same gum flavors. Look at the many choices God gave us. God is good.

I also need to mention that when I went into the bathroom in the funeral home it already smelled like shit. I did not do that. I went in, held my breath, peed faster than lightening, washed my hands and ran out. It was horrible! I prayed no one was waiting to get in after me so I wouldn’t have to explain the wretched stench. PLUS the sink was bone dry! So someone shit in there, didn’t wash their hands and possibly touched the food in the kitchen! So glad I didn’t eat a shit sandwich. I hope Pat did though!

Final note! I wore those amazing heels I posted the other day but by about 2 hours in, my feet had enough. So I put my black and white Chucks on. I looked great in both pairs of shoes, but you know that. Anyhow, as I was leaving the funeral director was holding the door for me and said, “I LOVE your Chucks. They look great. You’re like one of those hip…hip…hipsters. Yeah, a hipster! Nice!” So BOOM! Totally got an ego boost from the funeral director. Of course he looks at dead people all day, so I take it with a grain of salt.

If I offended you with any of this, I’m sorry you suck and I told the world. I still love you.

If you made it this far, I love you always! And guess what? I learned a lesson in all of this. Time really does heal all wounds. Thank you, Jesus for the gift of time.

Amen,

Stephanie

Oh and to my family, I may not be there in person today, but I’m there in spirit. I love you all. Be strong.

Dedicated to my friend, Shay!

My son had this in his school folder this week:

Click on it to embiggen!

To the untrained eye, it appears to be just another terrible child's drawing. But to my trained eye, it's something much more creepy!

Click on it to embiggen!

See! My son wrote and drew about my friend, Shay. A friend he has never met. A friend that he only knows as a name on Facebook. A friend who's first and last name he spelled correctly...by heart. I have no idea what it is and he can't seem to tell me.

But he did mumble at one point that Shay is my Great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great something or another. Give or take a great or so. But she is not. There you have it. A post dedicated to my dear friend, Shay. Love you! And apparently so does my son!

Love to all!

Stephanie 

Adventures in St. Louis

Well, I made it back from STL in one piece. I’m down some cash, but that’s just fine by my hubby. Because I’m more relaxed than I’ve been in a long time. And I got to shop til I dropped, in a real mall! At stores like, Aeropostale and Banana Republic and TARGET! I actually stopped and shopped at two different Targets! Oh yeah and I got to meet my favorite blogger: Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman! So here’s the story of that adventure!

My amazing little brother, Stevie accompanied me on the ride! When we pulled up to the library where she was signing we were shocked to realize we were probably 400^th or so in line! And even after we got there, the number about doubled. So we got line tickets like she was the Pope!

It was a long wait but after she did a little Q & A we were able to roam about the library. Now if you know my brother and I at all, you can imagine that it was a riot being together. We even got the giggles during the intro and we could barely hold it together, but it made the time go quickly. I may have caught Stevie being bad:

Well, it was a three-hour wait, what else would we do, behave? So here’s some pictures of the fun!

This is Ree speaking and sweating and just being adorable.

This is her husband, Marlboro Man. The line to get his photo and his signature was just as long as Ree’s. I made Steve get his picture.

This is me telling Ree what an inspiration her blog is to me. She was so nice and kind to everyone who met her. She personalized each book and took tons of photos. She told me she loved my hair! I was shocked and squealed with delight, probably humiliating my little brother. But he laughed and took the pictures through his embarrassment.

Here is the product of 3+ hours of waiting while grown woman chatted around us about every tweet and move that The Pioneer Woman has made in the last 5 years. It was silly and stupid all at the same time! But I LOVE my book even more!

Here is the free breakfast I got from my hotel this morning. It was so yummy I ate it all and passed out for 2 hours. I barely made it out at checkout time!

Then I went crazy shopping! I won’t bore you with all the awesome deals, but I will show you one purchase I made:

Some black Chucks! I have them in red and black now! I’m going to own every color! I really ended up getting a whole new wardrobe and lots of things for the house. I had a great time but I am happy to be home.

Side note: My wonderful family cleaned the house from top to bottom including laundry so I wouldn’t come home to work! What a great vacation! I can’t wait to sleep in my bed tonight!

Love,

Stephanie

A Short List

A Short List of Things I Hate:

1. Marshmallow Peebles cereal. I thought Barney Rubble wouldn’t steer me wrong. That son of a bitch must have taste buds equal to Fred’s asshole. This cereal was total shit. I took one bite and spit it out then dumped a full bowl into the trash. Vile, just vile.

2. The woman who picks up her kids from school in her karate / tae kwon do costume (uniform?). “Oh look at me; I’m an orange belt at picking up my kids at school.” Lady, get out of your pajamas and join the rest of the adults the real world.

3. Steampunk. In my opinion, Steampunk is really just a goth kid with a brain injury that makes him think it’s the Victorian Era. Same shit, different dorks.

4. Lady Gaga. Listen, I like her music, I just can’t stand her schtick. She’s led a pretty nice life growing up and I’m to believe she went through the shit my brother or I went through. I call shenanigans. I think she’s trying to hard to keep her gays loyal. But who am I? I just listen to the music, not consult, no never again.

5. How All of Burt’s Bees Lip Balms stink to high hell and that sucks because it works amazingly, just stinks.

And that’s it for tonight! Tomorrow I meet one of my favorite authors and get to hang out with my favorite brother. If anyone wants to join us or me, let me know! All friends are welcomed. Come and help me have some fun in the Lou.

Love,

Stephanie

Sorry Fellas!

I don’t know why or when I started taking a turn for the girlie. Maybe it was the inclusion of 3 children of the female persuasion. Maybe it was discovering that I like having my hair and nails done. Or maybe it’s because I dropped a shit ton of weight! I’m talking 130+ in lbs. So maybe the gene to want to look attractive has finally hit her puberty.

Now, I’m a normal house fraus day to day. But once in awhile I want to play with makeup and get all girlie! Plus, EEK! It makes me feel pretty and builds my self-confidence, even if just for the evening before bed. I totally love the retro pin-up chick look. I’ve even started watching YouTube videos to learn the look. I spent a shit load of money today on all new makeup and I think it turned out pretty well.

Hmm, if I want to start dressing girlier I’ll need a whole new wardrobe…in a single digit size. GO ME! If Curtis doesn’t get a raise soon, I’m afraid I may have to sell something to keep up with my habit…like one of the kids. (I kid.) (Do I?) (Hmm. I do love clothes.)

So check me out and keep your terrible comments in your thoughts. But be sure to share the awesome ones! Oh, I tried to photograph myself with my glasses on, but my stupid ears wrecked everything. Do you think Curtis will pay for me to have my ears evened out? Maybe with a boob job, huh? I’ll ask then.

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I’ll always be a tomboy at heart. I love my football! Is it September yet?

Sweet Dreams

Thanks to this everlasting cold and the kidney issues I’ve had recently I have been pretty sleep-deprived. So I’ve been drugging myself nightly in hopes of finding the illusive thing that is slumber. Because of the mass drugging (NyQuil, Melatonin, Benedryl and etc.) I have been having bizarre dreams.

Edgar and Me Go to the Zoo

I have a friend from high school named, Matt Edgar. He is lovingly referred to as Edgar. He is amazing! He is hilarious. He is kind to animals. He hates people. He is brilliant in the brains department AND he loves snakes and other reptiles. So, now that you know about Edgar here is what happened in my dream two nights ago:

Edgar is a herpetologist at the wonderful St. Louis Zoo. He has told me numerous times to let him know when I’ll be at the zoo and he’ll show us around…VIP style!

So in this dream I get to the zoo and met up with Edgar. We catch up and chitchat. Then he takes me to the Big Cat area, which I LOVE! (I want to be a Big Cat Keeper when I grow up! I would snuggle those kitties until they mauled me. That’s how I plan to die, FYI!)

He takes me into this room with all of these deformed kittens and in walks a teacher I had in Pre-Med. I never went to Pre-Med classes. I signed up, but switched schools, got married, got knocked up, and then wrote this. So I don’t know how I knew she was a former teacher, but I just knew. It’s a dream let’s move on.

Then Edgar says, “Later.” And leaves me with this weirdo and I get the vibe we are going to be doing some experiments on these cats. Luckily I woke up before anything else happened. As I was rubbing my eyes I thought, “Fuck you, Edgar.”

Scene

Sweet dreams, kiddies!

Love,

Stephanie

If I can remember any more dreams, I'll be sure to post them. They are messed up!

How I Lost My Readers

It’s official, I’m a failure. Well, not me as a whole, but parts of me. As you may recall, last month I was diagnosed with the deadly condition known as a kidney stone. They tell me it was 4.5mm in size, but the pain I was in, told me that their “ruler” was off and it was at least 3.2 meters in length. At least. Well, it was thought that I had past that VW bus, but due to the amount of pain I have begun incurring once again, they was all kinds of wrong. One should not be in pain when beginning to pee. Or finishing the act of peeing. Or just being awake and not peeing or even thinking of peeing. But alas, I was once again on the doormat at death’s house.

So I talked to my urologist, Dr. P. Wouldn’t that be great if that was his name. Hell, for all you know, it is. So Dr. P set up a “procedure” for this Friday to extract the 7ft 3in stone apparently caught in traffic on the way out of my urethra. God knows how many other giant rocks he’ll be able to extract while he’s digging around in my nethers.

In the meantime, I thought, I should see my O.G. doc, Dr. Warner, she’s old skool. Not really, but she is nice. And she listens to me bitch and moan about my pee and the pain I’m in and also why does she have to be so quick to see me? Sometimes I just want to read a magazine and sit in silence. But NOOO, she’s quick and good at her job. But I digress.

Okay, so I tell her the happs with my pee sitch and she does a UA (Urinalysis for those who ain’t hip!). Well, stop the presses cause this pee is something amazing! They’ve never seen the pee strip turn such a beautiful shade of purple; fuchsia is the actual color choice she went with. And boy did my pee smell awful (yeah, like you pee strawberry soda, lady) and it was so cloudy and full of blood! Call the news! Hang this pee strip on the town square for all to admire. For I am the Pee Queen! Bring me your TP!

Blah, blah, blah. Story old as time. So, she gives me some meds to get me to Friday when my stones will be free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last. She does warn me that the one pill MAY turn my urine orange. No big, I’ve seen and been worse off. Orange pee? Bring it. So I take the pill. One pill. I take my bath this evening and as I’m getting ready to leave the warmth of my water cocoon, I decide to do a most disgusting deed. I peed a little in the tub.

We’ve all done it, I just decided to tell the world. We’re all the same, and it’s all pipes, people. So as I step out, I look down into the tub and to my horror I have discovered that I have dyed the full tub of water bright orangish-yellow. Now, I didn’t spring a leak, it was like a dribble. The last little bit before you wipe. It’s gross, I’m trying to move on, but this was nothing short of Jesus amazing. I had to call Curtis up to see what I’ve done. He was grossed out and shocked. He was ready to race me to the ER. But I had my giggle and let him in on it. If we had boiled eggs, we would be set with light orange Easter eggs. But I didn’t think ahead, my bad. And that my reader is how I lost my followers, by writing this out, with no shame! (Just to stop the requests, I will not dye your eggs for you. Unless the price is right!)

Love,

Stephanie

Don't be jealous.

In the Akerman home we have a little fun tradition we started. Curtis and I go to the dollar store and pick out a ton of little toys, stickers, books and little gifts in general for the kids. We take brown lunch bags and put one or two of the gifts in. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, the kids all get to pick a bag and we have GRAB BAG TIME after breakfast. The kids really love it, because they get a new little something to play with and share with each other.

So! Addyson got a package of iCarly stickers and some star shaped sunglasses this weekend. Well, thanks to GRAB BAG TIME we are now the proud owners of a custom designed, one of a kind pair of Uggs and coffee table! Check them out:

Please ignore the $10 table. We only purchase Craigslist furniture at this point in life, because I really don’t think I’d like a $100 custom designed, one of a kind coffee table designed by Addy. Once the children stop jumping off of furniture or can handle markers without drawing all over the surface under the paper then I’ll take pride in nice furniture. Until then, it’s Sanford and Son here and there!

(Oh and please know that those Uggs are Curtis's and that's why they're so rough looking. Man wore them to death until he got new ones from the 'rents for X-Mas. 'Rents, sorry I'm so lame sometimes.)

Oh and I also thought you’d like to see that we got a custom designed, one of a kind Addyson as well.

It’s not snowing or freezing here, suckers!

Stephanie

Guess Who's Back? Back Again!

Well, well, well. We’re the hell have I been? I’ve got a lot of nerve showing my gorgeous mug here in such a long time. Well, long story short – kidney stones. They’ve taken over my life. But I won’t bore you with the details or urine (HA!) for the long haul! So to keep it alive in here, I'll tell you what I’ve been thinking about and dealing with at my favorite place in Mount Vernon, Illinois. Why, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s my Wal-Mart Supercenter! Hurray! So, get on it with it, I say!

Here we go:

Why do the chumps that are forced to work in an outdated photo lab given a white lab coat? Are they doing biological research back there with all of the expired developing chemicals? Hey, “Justin” you’re no pharmacist, get that coat off and get in the dark blue polo we gave you. You can’t pull rank in here until you pass the grocery test, and you’ve only got one more chance to pass it. So use the time you’re not developing anything, which is all shift, and study your lettuce. Damnit, Justin, get it together or you’ll be helping old women figure out why their 110 camera has turned to dust forever.

While I’m on the subject of the elderly, have you ever watched one look at a laptop? It’s adorable! (By adorable, I clearly mean sad.) They’re pushing buttons randomly, no clue what the hell is happening. Watching them attempt to maneuver the mouse is hilarious at best. Gramma, just deal with the fact that by the time you figure it out, you’ll have been dead for years. Move on.

Okay, I saw something amazing today. It was what dreams are made of. I’m not good about whipping out the camera phone to have proof of things, mostly because I’m not sneaky. I may as well ask the freak I want to mock to hold still while I figure out how to get the damn phone off of speaker. So I drew it. In Photoshop. Please remember that I’m no artist. Shit. Remember that I don’t get paid to be an artist, so I’m half-assing this in. (More like 1/3 assing it.) I saw this gentleman in the “arts and crafts department” enjoy:

I’m talking about a sweet beard that would make ZZ Top drop to their arthritic knees in honor. It was a site to behold. I really hope this man is someone’s awesome grandpa. I bet he rode there on his Hog. (Harley for those of you not awesome.) On another note, if my mother was still alive and met this guy, I would be calling him Step Dad before the end of the day.

For the grand finale, I present the stand up styling of Stephanie Akerman! Apparently there’s a storm a brewin’! I know because every GD redneck in the tri-county area was at Wal-Mart buyin’ up all the eatin’s. So, I have to wait in the frozen food section because fuck wads have no manners and think I don’t mind if every one blocks the aisle on both sides to decide on the best fish sticks. I’m a Van de Kamps gal myself. This is a transcript of my time spent in the frozen food aisle:

Guy: Ohhh! Look honey, chicken and broccoli.

Gal: YUM!

Guy: Holy shit! Alfredo? Frozen? Sweet!

Gal: Mmmhmm

Meanwhile on the other side of the aisle; elderly woman decides on frozen chicken blobs. By decides I mean stares at them and opens and closes the doors several dozen times slowly defrosting the chicken scraps before my eyes. Back to Guy and Gal.

Guy: Roasted. Red. Peppers. Oh my God.

BLAMMO! The bag of peppers slams forward off the shelf towards the couple as if God was trying to sell some product. Cue gorgeous lady waiting like a silent dove.

Me: Well, if that’s not a sign from the Wal-Mart Gods, I don’t know what is!

Guy: (Hysterical laughter)

Gal: (Hysterical laughter)

Elderly Woman: (Hysterical laughter)

So, I forget the product I was after, nodded with the acceptable acknowledgement and turn out of the aisle. Hey, you’ve got to leave on a high note. Plus, I ain’t being funny for free. You get one laugh, after that, you pay!

Okay, once last thing. Once I got home and empty the bags, I realized I didn’t get one bag. Normally I would have just left it and moved on with my life. Sure, I would have bitched to Curtis and he would nod and offer to go get it, but I’d say no and just sulk. But for crying out loud, the bag had cupcakes and MY GD TWIX PEANUT BUTTER 4 TO GO CANDY BAR. I have had no appetite for a week, but those two things sounded good. (My fat self always gets in my mind. She’s hungry!) So I marched my ass back up to a scene from Lord of the Flies and thank God she set it aside. I told her I’d only ever come back for a bag with those two contents in it. She agreed and I made it home. Barely.

Good night and God bless.

Stephanie

(Oh, I assure you that I will not allow my kidneys to run my life anymore. You filter my pee and stay in line. You can stuff those stones in the other direction, jerko.)