A Recap

Instead of a Christmas letter, I’ve decided to write a “Year-End Wrap Up” letter. And well since I’ve basically shared my whole life on here throughout the year, maybe I’ll just make it a “For the last few weeks I’ve…” letter. Yeah, that seems best.

The kids started Christmas break two days earlier than planned due to that bitch Mother Nature dropping her evil snow. And thanks to the yokels in charge of my town, no streets were plowed. Even though we had a good week of notice of the impending storm, the “officials” or d-bags as I call them, were surprised by the “sudden” storm. So I was able to come two days closer to running away than originally planned.

So Christmas came and the kids hauled it in. That always makes a parent feel good. That is until two days later and the I’M BORED’s start singing. Guess what, kids? I’m leaving. Good luck in life. Well since I didn’t have a full tank of gas at the time and it was still pretty slick out, I stayed. I may regret this if school is called off again next week.

I got my red Chuck Taylors and some moo-lah from ole Curtis. My in-laws gave me an amazing Cuisinart Food Processor. I love it almost as much as I love my Dyson. I use them both all of the time. I always thought I’d be a doctor at 32, but somehow I’m Susie Homemaker. Doctor Susie Homemaker.

Sidenote: How come all customer service reps in the student loan business are slimy? I talked to one this week who gave me great news and I still felt dirty after hanging up the phone. Is it just me?

Back on track. The kids are insane, but I’m way worse. I’m honestly thinking about getting a job to get away from this asylum. That’s pretty crazy right there! Okay, so that’s it for me. I leave you with some things my children have said during their break that has amused me:

Do we have school tomonday (means tomorrow)? – Addy (This question is asked several times a day. EVERY DAY!)

A lady walked in front of us in the store and we had to stop and wait. Then this was said, “Stop Mommy. We need to wait for this old lady to go by.” – Kenzy

While playing his DS, “Can’t you take a hint? It’s OVER between us.” – Ty

While getting dressed and was only in her undies, “Momma, Teacher said Santa Claus sees us when we’re good and when we’re bad.” “That’s true.” Covering her chest, “Well, I don’t want him to see me naked.” – Kenzy (After telling Curtis this, he said that if he had heard it, he would have told her “Santa’s seen better.” Father of the year, folks.

Can you play DsiXL with me, Alexis? – Ty

NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I’M JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE! - Alexis

Ty and Curtis were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors when Ty decided to throw in Volcano. After a few rounds of Volcano winning, I suggested Jesus as a choice. Because Jesus beats everyone. It was well received and now the whole family enjoys an occasional game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Volcano, Jesus. (But never on Sundays, that’s just bad taste.)

Love,

Stephanie

McDonald's - Not Lovin' It

Well, I was going to make this little post all about my kids and their Christmas programs. But something else has come up and also only Ty has actually had his program. So when the others have done theirs, I’ll be happy to critique them via this blog. And don’t worry, I won’t hold back. I may even be harder on them than I would be on the other children of the world. On to the real blog post:

Every once in awhile, after the children have fallen asleep and it’s just Curtis and I awake in the house, we sit on the couch together, turn and look deep into the others eyes and telepathically we decide on magic. So I rushed to the truck to go get a late night meal (or fourth meal for you Taco Bell junkies) for just my beloved and me to eat without having to buy food for the other idiots who constantly ask for eatin’s.

I thought surely at 9 pm McDonalds wouldn’t be crowded. Naturally I was so mistaken. Before I continue I have to say, I think our McDonalds has some sort of radio scrambling thingy, because every time I pull into the drive thru, all my radio stations turn to static. Well, except the am channel that I believe is bouncing around since it’s original airing in 1935. What up wit dat?

Okay, so I go to the M-C’s that has the dual drive thru lanes. Let me tell you something, the residents of Mount Vernon, Illinois are not smart enough to figure out the dual lane drive thru. I had 4 cars in front of me all going in ONE lane. There are 2 HUGE signs that read – Both Lanes Are Open At All Times. But due to the fact that most Mount Vernonians(?) shouldn’t drive more than a John Deere, they certainly weren’t going to be able to figure out something as difficult as a talking box that asks you if you want BBQ sauce with those nuggets.

Finally I’ve made my order, but am now faced with morons who have no grasp of taking turns on pulling up to the window. “Durrr, is it my turn? Who do I pay with these chickens for my nuggets? Can I have those boxes fer a fort?” Jesus, Mary and Joseph, FIGURE IT OUT, GOMER! Now that they’ve received my moolah, I am forced to sit directly next to the pay window with a teenage boy staring at me for 15 minutes. Literally 15 minutes. 15 minutes may not sound like a lot, but try this. I had Curtis do this years ago because he too assumed 15 minutes wasn’t that long. Go sit in your vehicle for 15 minutes. Don’t move and imagine, if you can, 4 screaming children, that will scream and whine for the full 15 minutes. If you have small children, have them do this. Come back to me in 15 minutes.

Have you killed yourself yet? Perhaps you used the time to write me a beautiful haiku? In reality that sucked ass, right? 15 minutes is 15 hours when you cannot get out of a situation. Trust me. Having 15 minutes of not moving, allowed me to curse wildly under my breath, I didn’t want the teenager to get any bad ideas from this gorgeous lady in the truck outside his window. Eventually I stopped the cursing and that’s when I realized I had listened to almost all of In the Name of Love. I HATE with all the hate I can have in me, U2. If I had had 2 knives, I would have gladly jammed them in my ears than listen to that. And why the hell was 770 am playing a U2 song?

I FINALLY got the food and the girl that was handing it to me said, “Sorry for your wait.” And I’m a good sport to people I don’t know, so I said, “No problem. I won’t yell, I hope no one else yells at you either!” She goes, “Whatever” and shut the window. I then looked shocked, cursed under my breath and wished a thousand pimples on the thousand that she already had.

Then I got home to cold ass fries, watered down Sprite and a McRib that sent me retching into the toilet. Luckily, Alexis and Ty can smell when the neighbors have McDonalds, so they ventured down from their slumber and horded my frycicles. Just another great evening in my life.

^That's how I feel after eating McDonalds.^

Love,

Stephanie

Super duper long post! Warned you!

It’s officially Christmas time! How can I tell you ask? Well, I can tell by the 50 zip ties peeking through the Christmas tree in my living room. We always think that getting a real tree will work better than a fakie in what can best be described as a human inhabited zoo or the Akerman house. Inevitably though, the branches on the spruce can only tolerate a few days of ornaments, cat perching, dog chewing, children roughing up and little to no daily water before I have to pull out zip ties. Gotta say though, it looks pretty good! Soon I fear it will only be black zip ties, cat vomit and 5 strings of light, of which 2 will work, at random times of course!

The twin’s preschool teacher is adorable! She’s probably only 10 years or so older than me, but I feel like I’ve got her by 50 every time I drop the girls off and run as fast as I can back to the SUV to listen to KMOX. (When did I turn into my father in law? I used to listen to Van Halen, ZZ Top, hell even…The Bieber!)

Where was I? Ah yes, the adorable older preschool teacher. So when I picked the girls up today at noon – noon oh fiveish, she begins to tell me about an amazing sale on Burberry scarves at the mall. (I use the term mall loosely, as I’m sure you remember.) She’s going on and on about what a great “little” gift they would be for, like a neighbor or the postal worker. Yeah, right. I stopped buying gifts for people once my household doubled.

Also, here’s the run down of my neighbors as I know them, and remember, I’ve lived in this house for 1 year, 5 months and 5 days (but who’s counting, am’I right?).

Gale (an older DUDE, so I assume this is how his name is spelled, my step mom is named Gail, so you see my point) and Patty or Pattie (I don’t know, I’ve never checked out their mail for the correct spelling(s).). Gale and Patty or Gail and Pattie or numerous variations you can do on your free time, are probably in their early 50’s. They drive nice rides, keep a tip top house, that looks like my house, but they care about landscaping and whatnot. They are nice enough and do the obligatory wave in passing and have joked about taking a dip in our pool every time they catch us in it. Yeah right wrinkly balls, build your own pool. You can afford it, I assume, by your polo shirts, riding lawnmower and seasonally appropriate decorations. So that’s the most I know about them. Not much, just enough to be creepy on a blog.

Okay, across the street there is fancy African American couple. They also own a riding lawnmower and take great care of their yard and house. They take turns cutting it (the yard not they house, that would be great in the spring, terrible in the winter), I think mister is allergic to grass, he wears a facemask turning his week. That or he still thinks SARS is too close for comfort. They are also nice and smile and wave in passing. Never talked to them, but that seems to be working for all parties involved.

Then there’s family with 3 or 4 boys that leave bikes and scooters all over the yard. They have a dog that barks when you make any sort of noise outside. Or maybe it’s a tape of a dog barking to keep weirdos at bay. I think I’ve seen a dog over there, but I don’t know. Oh, I also smashed their mailbox after a seizure in the van awhile back. They don’t ever look at me funny, but I always wonder if they think I’m a drunk. Of course getting the mail in my Wonder Woman costume and shouting at the big tree in my yard from time to time probably doesn’t help matters. (Just kidding, Dad if you read this, and I pray you don’t. Think of your church!)

Then there’s the house with younger adults that live there. Sometimes some of the youngerish girls do cheerleading routines in their side yard. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a cheerleader, my cousin Sonya, can back me up on this, but I was always too fat. I think I’m small enough to be one of the lower branches on the cheerleader pyramid or whatever it’s called. I swear, one day I’m going over there like I’ve been doing it all my life. So watch out for a creepy update on that front.

Then there are random houses that may or may not have inhabitants. I can’t see their front doors, so I don’t bother with them. I see trashcans out on Thursday and Friday and then poof, gone by Saturday, so I assume that means something.

And finally we have crazy lady with insane son and an “alleged” father down the street. I say “alleged” because she’s said, “his dad” or “my husband” when I've been cornered in Wal-Mart and forced to smile, nod and slowly back away. To be fair, the mother looks like she could have formed the son through black magic or “kidnappy magic”. They are real pieces of work, but I’ve done enough damage for the night. I’ll save them for their own personal post.

Good night,

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I literally just broke up a fistfight between a 7 year old and a 4 year old over a…brownie. And I wonder how I fight the daily urge to take drugs. Signing off again...

P.S.S. Ty just showed me his new dance to celebrate his win in the Great Brownie War of 2010. He totally raised the roof. Raised it to a new chewy, chocolaty level.

Warning-Warning-Warning-TMI Post!-Warning-Warning-Warning

Well, my beloved readers, I will be making this short. I have been cursed by the good Lord himself. I am having a terrible case of the "Random Shits". This affliction took hold of our household this weekend. I cleaned many pairs of disgusting underpants from the children. (When I say clean, I mean baggged in a bio-hazard container and blew them to smithereens. I ain't putting shit in my washer.)

Well, apparently, this was just an "appetizer" of sorts. Curtis and I were blessed with the "Random Shits." What does that entail, you are no doubt wondering? So I'll tell a little TMI to pique your obviously disgusting mind. This means through out the night, while you're in a deep, deep sleep, you will hear a disturbing sound emanating from your stomach. At this point, you better get into the bathroom, ASAP, or you will be doing a lot of midnight linen washings.

So, if you survive the war that is between your stomach and colon through the night, the day will only get worse. In the morning, you will either have to go to work or start dropping all the children off at school. (No pun intended.) Here's where the Random comes in. You could be for instance, standing in a preschool hallway dropping off your descendants when you feel the rumble. By the time the sound hits your ears, if you're not already sitting on the toilet, it may be too late. That or you will make it by an eyelash and then proceed to destroy a toddler toilet. I will say that the flushing power on that tiny can was amazing! Took only one flush!

The smell would probably be equal to Agent Orange, but class has probably started, so you should be able to sneak out. Making the other teachers point fingers at each other while gagging. Gosh, I hope none of them read this. If so, it was my husband. I haven't eaten anything today but 2 Diet Cokes. Curtis forced some food down, but he'll be regretting it soon enough I'm sure.

Now onto less disgusting news; as you remember I had to put my cat, Timmy to sleep recently. And remember that I talked about the animal clinic sending me a nice card and a gigantic geranium? Well today, I received this:

Click picture to embiggen.

Click picture to embiggen.

Click picture to embiggen.

I mean, that amazes me. Can you believe the love this doctor and his staff show to their clients? It blew me away. I'm so touched and thankful that they did this. I just adore Dr. Dwight Thomas and his staff. There are still great people in this horrible world.

Love,
Stephanie

FINALLY - The Christmas Card Picture

Well, I think I've given the United States Postal Service plenty o time to deliver the masterpiece that is the Akerman Family Christmas card. Behold in all its glory:

Click picture to embiggen.

(L to R: Addyson, Alexis, Ty, and Mackenzy, who is lovingly placed under Ty.)

So now you see in photo what it's like in a day in the life of an insane housewife. This picture tells it all. Addyson is destroying something. Alexis is the center of attention. Ty is the superhero. Kenzy finally gets what's coming to her. She tends to bully the other kids, which is so weird since she's the youngest. Sometimes we call her Knuckles if she's bringing the pain.

So there it is. Is it everything you thought it would be? We actually have really nice photos from Sears that I'll post when I feel like it. I just don't feel like adding them right now, DEAL. Oh and if you'd like for me to send you a card of your own to display proudly on the back of your front door or perhaps mantle, shoot me a note and I'll mail it out.

Love,

Stephanie

Tales of a Housewife

First off…KID UPDATE

Last night, the lovely Addyson or Beans as we call her had a milestone. She was freakin’ out screaming after the other kids had fallen asleep. Turns out a loose tooth was scaring the beejebus out of her. Daddy held her in a nice hug and with a tiny tug, I extracted the meddlesome tooth! She looks so sweet missing that bottom toother! Check it out:

We put the tooth in an envelope and put it under her pillow. This morning she awoke to the smell of a crisp new Abraham Lincoln! 5 smackaroonies! This afternoon she bought a sucker. And then proceeded to drop the thing on the ground and I had to give her my candy. The things I do for my kids.

She also asked if she could put a quarter under her pillow and get the tooth back tonight. Wise girl. Not the sharpest crayon in the box, but she makes us laugh!

In other dental news, thanks to my 3+ years of Ambien use, my teeth have been jacked the F up. So since I quit the Am Bomb, I have had a buttload of reconstructive mouth work. Last on my list was a whitening job. I decided to use one of the at home jobs. I used this one:

I did 5 applications and I look nice! Back to my moneymaking smile. That may be an exaggeration, but I digress. That’s it for my dental updates.

And finally a true horror filled story to end your evening! I went to the TB (Taco Bell, playas) for dinna last night. As I was waiting for the huge order I have to make for my army, I heard Pour Some Sugar On Me. Naturally, I turned it up and mouthed right along. Clearly this order was going to be awhile. Who can spend $40 at TB? The Akerman’s that’s who.

So the end of the song was approaching, you know, when Joe Elliott says, “Sugar ME-HE” and drums drums drums. Well, just at that point, the cashier opened the window to hand me the last bag and I proceeded to forget who and where I was and I sang, “Sugar ME-HE” drums drums drums straight to her face. She stared at me blankly. I apologized, died and then drove off. I was horrified. But at least I gave her a nice story to share with the other TB staff. It sucks that I now have to wear a disguise to get a burrito.

I leave you with the sight I see every time I sit at my computer.

It’s my cat, Spike’s ass. Enjoy!

Love,

Stephanie

Sorry, it's a Thanksgiving story. Sorry everyone.

Well, I had no plans to write anything concerning Thanksgiving today. But something happened at dinner that has forced me to post this. We don't live very close to our extended families, so we stay home for the holidays, heck there's six of us here already, so it's like a big ole group of crazy any way you slice it. So, like a lot of families on Thanksgiving, we all had our plates overflowing with fixins and whatnots and each took a turn telling the others about what we are thankful for. Here's the gist and part of the story that is nice but irrelevant.


Daddy - Thankful for Mommy's hard work at taking care of everyone
Mommy - Thankful for Daddy's hard work and letting us get things we want.
Kenzy - Thankful for Mommy's food.
Addy - Thankful for juice.
Alexis - Thankful for all of her family and friends.


Now onto the point of this story. As we're all taking our turns, Ty is watering up and making the "I'm not going to cry. Fine I will." face. Daddy says, "Ty what are you thankful for?" With tears rolling down his cheeks, he says, "I'm grateful for my family and everyone in my heart." It was so sincere and loving, it made my heart want to bust out of my chest. I said, "Why are you crying, Honey?" And he said, "I'm crying tears of happiness." Then I died. Right there during Thanksgiving dinner, I fell to the floor and died. After a minute or so of death, I decided to reanimate and eat. It was damn good too!


Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!
Stephanie


BTW, earlier this week I overheard Addy and Kenzy talking to each other about what they're thankful for. Kenzy is thankful for ketchup and Addy is thankful for chicken. Definitely my children.

Picking up the kids, I guess.

I take my kids to and from school. I don’t really like the bus schedule, other drivers or humans, so sue me. Anywho, the primary school has a certain way the cars have to line up and wait to be waved in. There’s always a line of cars and it always takes FOREVER. No matter how early I line up, I’m never closer than 10 cars to the front. I really think some people drop their kids off at 8:15, circle around and begin the wait til 2:45. Sort of like waiting for those hard to get Justin Bieber tickets or so I’ve been told.

Well, the numbero uno vehicle is always this piece of crap gold Silhouette van. The driver, can’t make out if it’s male or female since I’m backed up to the state line waiting my turn pulls up to the first spot and their stupid kid is NEVER ready to go. Six or seven cars get their “precious” cargo and squirrel around gold Silhouette who is just sitting there as the paint chips off and probably lands on a seal cub bringing the Earth closer and closer to nonexistence status.

So I roll my eyes, curse under my breath and fumble with the radio knobs. (More than likely the same song is on the only 3 channels this dump town gets in clearly.) Also God forbid your cell phone rings in line. Assistant principal Mrs. Hardass will jump on your hood Duke style and knock that bad boy unto your floor and under your seat. Probably never to be seen again. (We’re not allowed to use cell phones in or near the school, like we’re all sex offenders. Side note, I’m not.)

Well, long story short, our kids school needs a better way for us to get our kids. Guy in the white Neon that’s always in front of me knows what I’m talking about. I wonder if he writes a blog that talks about the lady in the white Aspen that always behind him in line. I wonder if he thinks I’m pretty?

Dinner Time Roundup!

This is the general noise in my kitchen during dinner prep time. The wording is from one child or another. I usually don’t answer any questions, because the question is usually repeated through the whole dinner prep.

(Side note, I pushed the q button and it’s sticky. That’s my life in a nutshell. Something is always sticky.)

What’s for dinner?

And?

And?

And?

That’s it?

What time is it?

Screamed from the bathroom – Can someone get me some toilet paper?

What’s for lunch?

Oh yeah, what’s for dinner?

And?

And?

And?

That’s it?

How long til it’s ready?

Mommy, why is there so much smoke?

Watch me, Mommy.

Watch me, Mommy.

Look at my Barbie dance.

What time is it?

What’s for dinner?

And?

And?

And?

Yuck.

Can I have the red plate?

Can I have red juice?

Wait, is there milk? Ok, can I still have red juice?

What color is that juice?

Is it almost ready?

Alexis said a bad word to me.

I’m bleeding.

Wait, no, I’m just hungry.

Can I eat upstairs?

Will you carry this for me?

Is it bath time?

Do I have school tomorrow?

What’s for dinner?

And scene. Take a break and we’ll pick this up in 5 minutes. That’ll give everyone but Mommy time to shove the food down. Once her butt hits the seat, we’ll start our reorders! And break!

Love,
Stephanie

Bonus Pic! While typing this whole story up, Kenzy got herself some more french toast (breakfast, it's what's for dinner) and helped herself to a heaping bagful of powdered sugar. So as punishment, I photographed it and am blogging it so we can all mock her. Which will probably include lots of ohs and ahs. And probably a few, she's so cutes. Blah. Parents with less than 4 kids are so passe.

A Tale of Saturday

Ha, ha! Curtis and I decided to do the impossible and staged a kids Christmas photo session in our dining room. Listen, we're idea people. We come up with awesome ideas, but we generally fail when it comes to putting the idea into action.

As is our game, we had great photo ideas. We put up a big white sheet in the dining room, pulled the wooden chest in as a prop and dressed the children lovingly. I even curled all the girls hair and put a little glitz on their faces. Curtis began the shooting as I played stylist and lint remover. It all seemed to be going fairly well.

Then the spirit of the Akerman's arose and it was failing. Just failing into belly laughs and fighting for the camera. Needless to say, we have an appointment Wednesday at Sears to allow specialists to have a crack at our kin. We were able to pull one hilarious photo that shows perfectly what we deal with on the daily. So if you want to own your very own original Akerman Christmas Card Version 20.10, shoot me your addy and I'll snail one to you. I'll even sign it! Makes it worth significantly less!

Oh and for those of you who just want to see the picture and not have it mailed to you, you have to wait! Once I get all the photos out and feel they've reached their new homes, I'll post the masterpiece on this blog!

Love,
Stephanie

Update! Update! Update!

Brazilin blowout update! Well, it’s been 3 weeks since I had the blowout and it’s FANTASTIC! I have always had unruly, insane hair. It’s always been dry (from over processing), thick and has a weird half wave thing that was horrible. Even flat ironing it for an hour wouldn’t help.

I wasn’t expecting too much, I’ve been pretty unlucky in the hair department. But this process is amazing. I can let my hair air-dry. I can fall asleep with wet hair. I could completely ignore my hair. And yet it looks like I spent all day flat ironing it. It’s soft and never tangles any more. I’m so over the moon! I promise to put some pictures up soon. I just hate having to be in them!

So yes, I highly recommend the brazilin blowout. I don’t care if it’s got poison in it, I’ll be doing this every 3 months for the rest of my life! The only downside I’ve found is I have to wash it everyday. That may sound weird, but because my hair was so dry in the past, I had to let a day or two go before I would wash to help combat that. But the blowout seems like oil and whatever goes in my hair sits on the hair, it doesn’t absorb it. So there’s my glowing testimonial.

I’ll leave you with this: an actual sentence from Ty’s daily chart from school. “While on our walk, Ty pulled down his pants and yelled, “Do you see why my butt itches?” Yes, he said that to his assistant in school. I had to discuss the importance of keeping our pants on. The life of an Akerman is always interesting.

Love,

Stephanie

Lesson Learned!

When will I learn? Every time the kids ask for popcorn for their evening snack I want to say no. No because giving my kids popcorn is like giving blindfolded chimps a bucket of paint and then asking them to not spill a drop while painting the room. My kids get a bowl of popcorn and they turn into Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man from Family Guy. Popcorn goes everywhere but in their word holes. It’s insane.

I could never work in a movie theatre. (Well, I could but, I’m neither 16 or 90.) Popcorn gets ground into everything. I hate popcorn! But the dumb kids love it and it keeps them full for their evening slumber. Since I’ve grown accustom to their happy faces, I always give in.

Like it was written in the script, Addyson had her popcorn long enough to make to her bedroom doorway before she flipped it. Good news though, I actually love vacuuming now. Because the love of my life does such a great job. I never knew love like this before! I love you, Dyson. Thanks for all of your hard work. Hope you enjoyed your popcorn, you’re so tidy with it.

Love Always and Forever,

Stephanie

Controversial Blogging Inside!

Drop ßThat’s from Ty he typed it when I walked away from the computer. Don’t bother trying to figure it out; that kids mind is like a Rubik’s Cube! On to me and my brains…mmmm brains…sorry, here we go.

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

The following post is super duper long. The following post is sure to ruffle feathers. I will not be mad if you feel like the post is too long to read. I will not be mad if you yell at me about your opinions on my opinions. I do not want to debate though. That’s why this is a blog, not a chat! But I love every one who reads this blog and I hope you’ll continue to love me too!

Okay, I’m totally for gay people. I dig em, seem to attract em and I love em. I totally feel for gay people who are bullied for being gay. It’s ridiculous and unnecessary. I think the abuse and bullying needs to stop, sooner rather than later. And I know it “gets better”. How do I know that it “gets better”? Well, because I’m an internet user and I am being bombarded with these videos from celebrities and “celebrities” that tell people all about how much better it gets.

I am so lucky to have a fantastic little brother who by chance is gay. I’ve known that he was gay since he was ummmm about 3 or 4 probably. Didn’t care, loved and love him. He’s always been one of my best friends. We even did a whole routine to ‘Vogue’, which still didn’t seem to help my parents with this discovery.  (We were like pre-teens, it wasn’t done like last week. Although maybe we should do a revival. Mental note made.)

Anyhow, I’ve seen through his eyes the pain that one goes through when they aren’t accepted 100%. And I witnessed the abuse by our peers on my brother and I did and will always defend him. Not because he’s gay, but because he’s blood. He is me. I am him.

But something has been bothering me about the “It Gets Better” campaign. You can ask anyone that knows me, about my support of anything relating to gay rights and I’m even for gay marriage, or marriage, why does gay have to be included? I’m not looking for a marriage debate. I have my opinion, just like you. Deal, I do.

What I’m taking forever to say is, I’m not gay, but I’ve been bullied. I was bullied for being fat. I watched people being bullied for being smart, unattractive, not athletic, too small, too tall, being autistic. Bullies are bullies. I just dislike the sudden interest in gay bullying. Yes, that needs to stop. But all bullying needs to stop.

I get that in recent months there has been a lot of suicides due to gay harassment and abuse. But what about the fat kid that hung himself in the closet with his belt. Or the emo kid who cuts their self to deal with the pain of bullying? How about the computer kid who feels the need to escape to the land of video games to push through the pain of being abused by their peers? Screw the “It Gets Better” geared toward gays. How about a campaign to help everyone realize that you are not alone?

We’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, you’re probably the cause of someone else’s pain. Think about what you do or did. Are you hurting someone because they aren’t just like you? Yeah, I thought so. Try watching the show “If You Really Knew Me” on MTV just once and I promise you’ll connect with those kids.

I’m 32 years old and I still feel the sting of junior and senior high school abuse. I was fat, ugly and smart. And I was bullied so many times, that I still have nightmares about it. I had gastric bypass surgery 6 years ago because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my peers. And guess what, the bullies have no memory of being a bully. In fact, I’d guess that the celebrities that make some of the videos were bullies; they just didn’t consider themselves that way. Or maybe they wear rose-colored glasses like some of the people I went to school with.

In short, let’s try to stop bullying altogether. Why do we need to make categories of hate? Hate and abuse is hate and abuse. Please don’t make Stop Gay Bullying the Breast Cancer Awareness campaign of bullying awareness. We all know how I feel about that!

Love,
Stephanie

For you

Things I should hate but just can’t:

Ke$ha

I just adore this kid. She’s all grimy and dirty. My kids know the words to all of her popular songs. Quite frankly, I belt them out louder than them! I even have You’re Love Is My Drug as my ring tone and I’m not a bit ashamed of it!

Lisa Rinna

I know I shouldn’t like her; she’s so happy and bubbly, the complete opposite of me. Maybe that’s why I just stop when I hear her voice. Love her!

Sarah Palin

I think I shouldn’t like her, but damned if I don’t LOVE her. I can’t wait to watch Sarah Palin’s Alaska on Sunday. I will vote for her if given the chance, count on that.

Drumsticks Ice Cream Cones

They make me sick as all hell. They even sent me into pre-term labor with the twins. Yet I still want to eat them and I do from time to time. I always feel yucky about 10 minutes later, but I still do it. Addictions are a nasty thang.

Bridezillas

While watching this freak show, I gasp and reel in horror at these girls’ attitudes and behaviors. But you can bet your ass I’ll watch every marathon WeTV wants to play. I secretly hope at least one of my girls is a Bridezilla. They deserve a free honeymoon for freaking out on TV.

Letting my kids say outrageous things

I have a terrible mouth. My mom always said my first word was “Damn”. And I think it’s true. I try not to use the big bad words in front of the kids, but I gotta drive with them in the same vehicle. So naughty words may pass my lips a little to easily and the kids pick them up and use them in their daily comedy routines called life.

Case in point: I was calling the kids down for breakfast this weekend, but Addy was taking her sweet ole time down the steps. I looked at her from the bottom and said, “Move your feet, Pete.” She said, (hand to God, who I also need to apologize to for the following sentence) “I’m coming, I’m coming, Jesus Christ.” So that hit me a little bit in the balls. Guess I really need to work on that sooner rather than later!

Oh also, Alexis and I saw a lady pushing a cart with a baby in it and her (the lady, not the baby) crack was in full plumber mode. Alexis looked at me and said, “Well, that’s going on Facebook, isn’t it? And look that poor baby. So embarrassing.” Alexis totally gets me.

I'm Getting Real Up In Here!

This evening I’m going to partake in a little rantin’ and ramblin’. I’ve had some things on my mind that I’ve just pushed deep down, but it’s all beginning to start to tickle my throat, so I may as well spit it out before I shoot it out.

Point the first:

If you are over the age of 10, you are no longer allowed to wear a bow in your hair. It is not cute when a woman who is clearly over the age of 30 has a little bow on the side of her head. You are not cool or cute. You may be thought of as a slut though. Sorry, but thems the breaks.

Second up:

Unless you are going to Disneyland or even Six Flags and you could be considered even a little overweight, do not wear a cartoon character shirt or jacket. It’s not fooling anyone. When I see an obese woman on a scooter in Wal-Mart with a gigantic Tweety Bird shirt on, I don’t think, “Hey, look at that skinny teenager. She’s so adorable in that Tweety Bird shirt.” Sadly, I do think, “Jesus, how many Tweety Bird beach towels have been sewn together for that ladies muumuu.” I know that’s terrible and I feel awful admitting these thoughts, but I need to begin the healing.

Thirdly:

Muffin-Top ≠ Sexy

Muffin-Top = Thoughts of vomit from those around you.

Fourthish:

If there are only 2 pumps in your whole county that dispense E85 gas, do not use either of those pumps unless you are purchasing E85 gas. Do not leave your 1984 Chevy Escort running in the E85 lane while you run into to take probably a disgusting dump in a bathroom that probably emits less carbon than your piece of shit car BLOCKING me from getting gas. Do you really need that 2 day old hotdog from the gas station? Eating that is not going to help you from getting out of that Tweety Bird shirt.

Finally Number Five:

I often wonder if my children think someone is coming to our house to take pictures of their “Business”. I wonder this because at least twice a day, I walk into the bathroom to see someone has left me the gift of crap. I think the kids imagine that one day someone will knock on our door and want to photograph their greatest achievement in the bathroom. I just gag, flush the toilet and retreat to my master bathroom. Which probably has a pair of underpants next to it. That’s Ty’s calling card, ya know, so we know who to credit in the picture.

Okay I’m going to do a little TV review, because something so wonderful has happened to Curtis and I.

We have fallen in love with the new show on AMC The Walking Dead. So this week, I’m giving it:

4 out of 4!

That’s 4 zombies outta 4 possible! If you love zombies or know someone who does, I highly suggest you Tivo this great show, turn off the lights and watch it. You’ll love it and I’ll stake my Zombie Preparedness Kit on it!

Sleep tight!

Stephanie



For My Husband

HOW BOUT THEM RAIDAAAAS?!

Your regular scheduled post will be back tomorrow.

Saturday Evening Edition

Things considered normal in Mount Vernon, Illinois:

• A pair of “testicles” hanging from the truck hitch.
• Trash left at the curb for weeks on end.
• Full sets of living room furniture on a front porch, which is not enclosed.
• A baby in only a diaper drinking from a bottle with Ski in it. (If you need help with what "Ski" is, I'll enlighten you. I think it's the poor man's Mountain Dew. At least that's how I remember it from my childhood. It's big in these parts!)
• Random pre-school age children walking through a neighborhood.
• A train that consists of an engine and one cargo car covered in misspelled graffiti.
• A house painted neon purple.
• Sports flags used as curtains.
• One dry cleaner and 742 hair salons.
• 65 gas stations all within 1 mile of each other.
• Chicago Cubs paraphernalia.
• Jean overalls.
• Walking along the main highway pulling a child’s wagon while mumbling to yourself.
• No Starbucks.
• Fewer teeth than fingers.
• Mail delivered by postal workers in their personal vehicles.

It’s like living in Beverly Hills. *Insert eyeroll.*

What I Learned Tonight - By Stephanie Akerman Age 32

I just returned from a quick evening errand run. This is what I learned:

• At 8:30 pm on a Friday evening, I will be the oldest person inside of a Kroger.
• Apparently there is a Brut shortage that I am a party to. My local Walgreens, Wal-Mart and Kroger are all out of Brut aftershave. I purchased Skin Bracer to try to fool Curtis, but he wasn’t buying it. So he has settled for Brut Splash On until the shortage is remedied. (He claims he doesn’t like the Skin Bracer because it smells like his grandpa. I was all, “Whatevs.” But it smells like my grandpa too. I really hope it was just used by many grandpas or we may have a lot to explain to our mutant grandchildren.)
• I will always be behind the vehicle that has a gi-mondo order at McDonalds.
• While at Wendy’s drive-thru I realized that as I waited for my order, my chili was getting cold and my Frosty was getting hot. And it made me giggle.
• According to the Pontiac in front of me at Wendy’s, Jesus loves me. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.
• Someone in my neighborhood owns a camel. I know this because they apparently let it defecate on my DRIVEWAY. I wouldn’t care so much if it was in the yard, but I’ll be damned if I’m letting my $250 tire smoosh the shit into it’s treads. So like a HUMAN, I went out in the Zombie filled darkness to pick up the shit. Because that’s what a human does.

Love,

Stephanie Akerman

Human

Owwiee!

I've had a pain in my shoulder since August. I didn't do anything unusual. Just my normal housework and the occasional irritant, like moving furniture around. But nothing that I can remember causing the pain. I've been taking Advil for it, even though I shouldn't be doing that because of my tum-tum. Any how, it's starting to hurt more and more as the days pass.

As luck would have it, Walgreens just opened an on-site medical office for employees and their families. They opened their doors on Tuesday, so I walked in on Wednesday to see if they could fit me in. I was patient number 6, so they are totally new. Anyhow, I was there for 3 hours, they were learning new programs and blah blah, I understood the long time it took. I'm not a complainer. Well, not to people's faces, but more like on a blog.

Long story, less long, I have a strained right deltoid. I was given muscle relaxers that knock me completely out, so I can only take them at bedtime. I was given some exercises to do (ha) and a follow up appointment in two weeks. If it's not better by then, I'll get a referral to a PT for their help. I have a feeling that's where I'm headed.

Now, for the most important part, the doctor said that I need to rest my arm as much as possible. Especially no lifting or straining. So, I guess I need to request time off to recuperate. I'm going to put in a vacation request form to my boss for this weekend off. I suppose he'll need to hire a temporary worker. I hope I get to do the interviewing, line up boys! In the meantime, I guess no more benchpressing or squats. I'll just lie on the couch and get better.

Love,
Stephanie

A Short List

Things that can make me smile even when I want to punch a puppy:

• Listening to the girls singing Ke$ha or Lady Gaga in the car. (They know the words better than me!)
• Curtis saying, "And there's the smudgeness."
• Curtis doing his Rocky impersonation. It's like really, really. Like really funny.
• My cat, Monkey drooling instead of purring because he's so content.
• Ty calling me "Mother".
• Getting Curtis's paycheck deposited earlier than expected.
• Reading Failbook.
• Waking up in the middle of the night covered in animals who have made me their bed.
• All of the children asleep by 8:45 and I can watch my Real Housewives in peace.

Love,
Stephanie

My Fellow Americans

Hey look, more free advice!

Politicians, wanna know how to get my vote? Put out a TON of TV ads, flyers and yard signs for the other guy. Lots of times I will not vote for someone because they drill their name into my head and weasel into my dreams. If I see you in my dreams, I'm voting for the one who isn't as aggressive. There you have it, my FREE campaign advice. Carry on!

Stephanie Akerman, Esq.

(Please note, I don't ALWAYS make my choice this way, just when I don't care about the position.)

My Personal PSA

I'm not a lawyer, never claimed to be one. I do have a brainful of experience as a freelance televised court procedure viewer. This "life-experience" has been earned through over 10 years of extensive research. So with my background stated and out in the open, I have decided to share an unsolicted piece of advice:

If someone asks to borrow money from you and the following words are uttered - "I will pay you with my tax return." you may assume the borrower is never going to repay you. As such, you may then kick them in the shin, shout "NOT TODAY, MONEY GREMLIN!" Then turn and walk away knowing you saved yourself from many uncomfortable bump into instances and awkward phone calls in April.

Congratulations on your free legal advice, I'll bill you for my expenses.

Stephanie Akerman, Esq.

A Post Filled With Outrage

As you all know, I live in a small dump of a town, Mount Vernon, Illinois. I hate it as much as one person can hate a town. I like the people I know, I hate the ones I don’t and would prefer to live in a real city. This dump doesn’t even have a Starbucks. NO STARBUCKS. It’s insane. Normally this would suffice as a blog post, but there is so much more to today’s post.

We worked really hard on the kid’s costumes. Well, not really the twins, but they are so passé, and wanted to be Tinkerbell and Spidergirl. They were easy peasy. Now, Alexis wanted to be a TV judge, so that was fun putting it together, since we all know that I love TV judge shows. She looked sweet!

Ty has said that he wanted to be a Robot Policeman for months. He never wavered. We tried to get him to consider Luigi or Spiderman, nope. This kid was Robocop Version 2010. Curtis and I made his costume from scratch. Hey, we’re no special effects artists, but it looked super cute. Check them out:

 

SOOOO we get them all ready to rock. Hair was dyed and curled. Glow sticks were illuminated and placed around necks. Tote bags were passed out, pictures taken; Daddy grabbed the big pillowcase for candy over flow. Off we go to the first house on the street with the light on out front. They seemed a little shocked that we were there, but it was probably because it was still early, a little before 7. Onto the next house, which seemed a bit to walk between houses without porch lights on. This old lady answered and said, “I don’t have any candy left. You’re a day late. Sorry.” And slammed her door.

We were all, like hmmm. Then we looked down the street and there was darkness. Since we’re not from this trash town, Curtis called a co-worker and unbeknownst to people who do not own a red neck, Mount Vernon had Halloween on Saturday.

WHAT THE HELL?

Our kids were troopers and no one whined a bit. Maybe it’s because we took them in costume to Wal-Mart and filled the cart with all kinds of candy goodness for them. So they still got the sweets but we got the bill. Do you think I should send the receipt to the Mayor? Why are we no longer celebrating Halloween on Halloween? The whole school district is closed today, so the kids didn’t have to be in bed early. What the hell is the world coming to?

Worst Halloween EVER! Curtis and I did watch The Walking Dead together though and that was awesome. I don’t want to wait another week to see more! Screw you Halloween 2010, you sucked.

Is this week over yet?

What a week I've had. Well, really, I should say what a Wednesday I've had. A whole lotta stuff happened yesterday and I'm just now catching my breath. It's not all that exciting or fun, but it was insane and I just need to type it all out so I can wrap my head around it all.

After getting all of the kids off to school, I went straight (pun intended) to my hair stylist for my Brazilian Blowout! It was easy and my eyes burned, but my hair looks amazing! I love it! I no longer have to flat iron my hair after a washing. Plus it's so soft and doesn't tangle either! On to the crazy...

I had a meeting at the twins school to discuss Addyson at 11:00. I finished at the salon at 10:58. I had two minutes to make a five minute drive, a one minute park job and a one minute sprint to the office. I walked into the meeting 5 minutes late. But I looked damned good doing it! We talked about Beans (Addy) and figured out a game plan, it's boring and you wouldn't care any way.

Then I had to race home to get the twins drinks for the ride home, otherwise all hell would break loose. I was 5 minutes late to pick them up. I used to be early to everything. Now that I have a gaggle of children, I will never be early for anything, just getting somewhere on time is considered a success!

So I get the twins home and get a call from the school nurse. Ty has put a rock in his ear and they can't get it out. So I have to summon Curtis home from work, race up to the school to get Ty and take him to the ER. We waited in the ER for what was probably 3 days and we were the only people there. So the ER doc removed this tiny pebble and scared Ty into never putting any thing else in his ear or nose.

Then I have to go to parent teacher conferences for Alexis and Ty. They are both amazing, smart, lovable, helpful and friendly kids. There, I would've saved two teachers 15 minutes of their and my lives. Also, with the rock incident, Ty missed cake he made in class and Alexis missed an ice cream party that her class won in a contest. Ty's teacher saved some cake for him, which surprisingly made it home. And we threw our own ice cream party, yummy!

And finally, I had to rush my cat Tim to the vet last night. He got very sick in two days and looks like he's close to deaths door. He's bunking at the vet where hopefully they can help him live and keep me from losing a piece of my heart. I'm going to visit him later today, but his doctor said he's very critical still and I really hope he can pull through. I'd give anything to have Tim push something off of the computer onto my head right now. Poor Buddy.

So there it is. A normal Wednesday in my insane asylum.

Feel free to leave a comment like tl;dr. I'd completely understand.

One Free Walmart Post!

You didn’t think I would go a week without talking about my favorite place on Earth, did you? I had a return to make, a costume that Addyson changed her mind on, and I walked to customer service to see one woman at the counter and I was next. Since my morning was spent waiting for a gold tire for my SUV (more on that later) I was a little rushed to finish my errands and get the twins from school.

Anyhow, I watched the cashier put the lady’s check into the electronic flippy check jobber, and the thing kept spitting it out and saying some sort of error. Even the register could tell this lady was sketchy. But the cashier kept trying to convince the register to please just take the damned check.

Meanwhile, I’m swaying and grunting my disdain for the situation at hand and now a line of 6 customers behind me has developed. It started looking like the day after Christmas at the ole Mart. And of course, there was only one keeper of the register keys on duty. I also need to mention that between the old woman shaking from the nicotine withdrawal from her extended stay in the line and the insane mutterings of a obvious crazy cat lady she kept mentioning that she needed to put some of the check onto some sort of phone card or something, I don’t understand the poor leeches of our society.



Well, of course, idiot cashier didn’t do that once the stupid check was forced through. This caused smelly crazy cat lady to stop muttering and start yelling about now having to pay $2 to have the card loaded. At this point I was wishing I were loaded. This nut bag was ranting and raving over $2. (I bet if I moved the Coinstar machine in the corner two feet from the wall, I could pay the damn fee for her. Lord knows I wasn’t giving up the two bucks I had in pennies in my purse, she was smelly!)

The cashier, who has over 20 years of service – it said so on her badge, congrats! Enjoy your 20 year gift of crazy people in line – started to panic. At this point, her line was at least 10 angry people deep. So she started yelling for the manager, she was so nervous she couldn’t seem to remember how to use the phone to page a manager, so she just started screaming for Kathy. Hopefully Kathy is the manager and not the cashier’s imaginary friend.

So Kathy, or a lady with one of those keys with the elastic key chain around her bicep, rushed in and waived the $2 fee, by scribbling some gibberish on a scrap of paper and jammed it in the change drawer. I guess nervous cashier forgot how to write at this point. Then Kathy helped me and I ran home to write this tale!