Is this week over yet?

What a week I've had. Well, really, I should say what a Wednesday I've had. A whole lotta stuff happened yesterday and I'm just now catching my breath. It's not all that exciting or fun, but it was insane and I just need to type it all out so I can wrap my head around it all.

After getting all of the kids off to school, I went straight (pun intended) to my hair stylist for my Brazilian Blowout! It was easy and my eyes burned, but my hair looks amazing! I love it! I no longer have to flat iron my hair after a washing. Plus it's so soft and doesn't tangle either! On to the crazy...

I had a meeting at the twins school to discuss Addyson at 11:00. I finished at the salon at 10:58. I had two minutes to make a five minute drive, a one minute park job and a one minute sprint to the office. I walked into the meeting 5 minutes late. But I looked damned good doing it! We talked about Beans (Addy) and figured out a game plan, it's boring and you wouldn't care any way.

Then I had to race home to get the twins drinks for the ride home, otherwise all hell would break loose. I was 5 minutes late to pick them up. I used to be early to everything. Now that I have a gaggle of children, I will never be early for anything, just getting somewhere on time is considered a success!

So I get the twins home and get a call from the school nurse. Ty has put a rock in his ear and they can't get it out. So I have to summon Curtis home from work, race up to the school to get Ty and take him to the ER. We waited in the ER for what was probably 3 days and we were the only people there. So the ER doc removed this tiny pebble and scared Ty into never putting any thing else in his ear or nose.

Then I have to go to parent teacher conferences for Alexis and Ty. They are both amazing, smart, lovable, helpful and friendly kids. There, I would've saved two teachers 15 minutes of their and my lives. Also, with the rock incident, Ty missed cake he made in class and Alexis missed an ice cream party that her class won in a contest. Ty's teacher saved some cake for him, which surprisingly made it home. And we threw our own ice cream party, yummy!

And finally, I had to rush my cat Tim to the vet last night. He got very sick in two days and looks like he's close to deaths door. He's bunking at the vet where hopefully they can help him live and keep me from losing a piece of my heart. I'm going to visit him later today, but his doctor said he's very critical still and I really hope he can pull through. I'd give anything to have Tim push something off of the computer onto my head right now. Poor Buddy.

So there it is. A normal Wednesday in my insane asylum.

Feel free to leave a comment like tl;dr. I'd completely understand.

One Free Walmart Post!

You didn’t think I would go a week without talking about my favorite place on Earth, did you? I had a return to make, a costume that Addyson changed her mind on, and I walked to customer service to see one woman at the counter and I was next. Since my morning was spent waiting for a gold tire for my SUV (more on that later) I was a little rushed to finish my errands and get the twins from school.

Anyhow, I watched the cashier put the lady’s check into the electronic flippy check jobber, and the thing kept spitting it out and saying some sort of error. Even the register could tell this lady was sketchy. But the cashier kept trying to convince the register to please just take the damned check.

Meanwhile, I’m swaying and grunting my disdain for the situation at hand and now a line of 6 customers behind me has developed. It started looking like the day after Christmas at the ole Mart. And of course, there was only one keeper of the register keys on duty. I also need to mention that between the old woman shaking from the nicotine withdrawal from her extended stay in the line and the insane mutterings of a obvious crazy cat lady she kept mentioning that she needed to put some of the check onto some sort of phone card or something, I don’t understand the poor leeches of our society.



Well, of course, idiot cashier didn’t do that once the stupid check was forced through. This caused smelly crazy cat lady to stop muttering and start yelling about now having to pay $2 to have the card loaded. At this point I was wishing I were loaded. This nut bag was ranting and raving over $2. (I bet if I moved the Coinstar machine in the corner two feet from the wall, I could pay the damn fee for her. Lord knows I wasn’t giving up the two bucks I had in pennies in my purse, she was smelly!)

The cashier, who has over 20 years of service – it said so on her badge, congrats! Enjoy your 20 year gift of crazy people in line – started to panic. At this point, her line was at least 10 angry people deep. So she started yelling for the manager, she was so nervous she couldn’t seem to remember how to use the phone to page a manager, so she just started screaming for Kathy. Hopefully Kathy is the manager and not the cashier’s imaginary friend.

So Kathy, or a lady with one of those keys with the elastic key chain around her bicep, rushed in and waived the $2 fee, by scribbling some gibberish on a scrap of paper and jammed it in the change drawer. I guess nervous cashier forgot how to write at this point. Then Kathy helped me and I ran home to write this tale!

READ ME - It's not about football, today. Promise!

As I previously mentioned, I’m on a hair journey. Well, I never officially called it that, but now I am. Henceforth, I will be on a hair journey, now it’s official. So, on this journey, I decided to get the exclusive Brazilian Blowout this coming Wednesday. When I decide to do something to my hair, I go all out. And it happens at least twice a year. Sometimes I chop it all off or get bangs. Maybe I’ll bleach it out or go jet black.

It’s just what I’m feeling on that Saturday. It’s usually a Saturday. That’s when the magic that is Mr. Curtis Salon is open, so I work with his schedule! So yesterday (a Saturday, of course) I decided to dye my brownish/blondish hair dark reddish almost purple. And I did it in my home salon (bathroom).

When I was rinsing the color out in the shower, it looked like a murder scene. It was insane and I looked like I was pushed around and bruised up due to the mess I made on my neck and ears with the dye. Any way, I missed big parts of my hair and it looked really ridiculous. Upon Curtis investigating my terrible hair job, I decided to bleach out my hair and re-dye it brown with blonde highlights.

Sounds simple. Oh no. Nothing with my rat’s nest is ever simple. So I get the hair color remover and new dye kit. I get home and prep everything while my Rams played. (Boo, Rams. Yay, Raiders!) During this time, I discover that my hair has ingested the whole bottle of remover and needed at least four more bottles for complete coverage. What the hell was I going to do?

So I quickly washed the crap out, still doing some damage in the meantime and finally made the right decision. I called the salon in the mall, since it’s the only place open in this dump of a town on a Sunday. I hustled up there with my face covered in shame.

Luckily the hairdresser on staff assured me she could fix my terrible attempt at doing my own hair. She proceeded to literally bleach my locks to a lovely shade of carrot orange and then dyed it to a beautiful caramel. It looks like I’m human again. I’m so happy I can go to Wal-Mart and look out of place because I don’t look like a freak. Just like the lady who thinks she’s better than the rest of the cretins that shop there.

Side note and question – Any time I mention to a stylist that I am very tender headed due to over processing and having a rough handed mother who yanked my long hair with a comb every morning as a child, they say, “Oh, I’ll be careful and gentle.” Then they proceed to rip my hair out by the root. Do they teach this in cosmetology classes? I think I saw my stylist use a renaissance style mace to comb the bleach thru my hair. I’m still cringing at the pain. But beauty is pain! I must look spectacular, because I’m pretty sure my scalp is still bleeding.

Love,
Stephanie

Where the hell have you been?!

Dear Loyal Followers,

Where the hell have I been this week? I’m sure you’ve all been on the edges of your seats. Your hearts filled with worry and concern about my whereabouts. Right? Well, I’ve been a little busy bee! Well, that makes it sound like I’m a nice little homemaker, doesn’t it? Well, that couldn’t be further from the truth!

As you know I bought a Dyson, FINALLY! So I’ve Dysoned the house several times already, I’ve never known the love one could have for their vacuum, but damned if I haven’t found it. I love the ole girl! Then, I decided to Rug Doctor this whole house. That took all day and most of an evening. But whoo buddy! This house is looking FINE!

Curtis got a new ‘puter and office setup. It’s breathtaking. So he spent two days getting that all put together and having the devils’ minions over at Charter out to get his connection all connected and whatnot. I got to spend the time destroying boxes and picking up the gar-bage from all the new electro gadgets.

Next up I got to have a parent teacher conference with the twins teacher. I was informed that they are amazing and just perfect. Well, all except for the concern that Addyson may be on the autism spectrum. So that was like a kick in the heart, but it’s not like we haven’t been down this road before. Plus on the up side, she will probably be considered mild if anything at all, so that makes it a little easier to handle.

I was told what a wonderful child Kenzy was, happy and always willing to help. Yeah, she is that, but with me she always has her arms crossed whining about how she never gets to do anything. And then she’ll slam a door or kick the dog. Real nice kid, Ms. Denise.

Then I got the wooden chest I’ve been dying for! Curtis put it together for me and it makes me smile when I walk into the room and see it!

Now for the end of the week. Today I ran over a BLUE RIBBON AWARENESS PIN! It busted my f’in TIRE! The tire on my beautiful new SUV. My life and soul slip away like the air wheezing from the gash in the wheel. So I go all over the freaking town of Mount Vernon and I apparently have such an amazing tire, that they couldn’t possibly keep it in stock anywhere near the forbidden town of Mount Vernon. So I get to drive on the spare, which is at least the same size, but still looks really ghetto. Monday morning cannot get here fast enough.

So I need to apologize to my friends for my absence, especially The Matts. I promise to be part of the group from here on out. I feel terrible that I wasn’t there for you two this week. Hugs and kisses!

Stephanie

Here’s to new beginnings and more bloggin'!

Introducing...

It is my honor and privilege to introduce to you, the newest member of the Akerman family…a brand new DYSON vacuum! We have been waiting for years and years to make this decision. Should we drop that much cabbage on a vacuum? Is it really worth it? Well, 5 vacuums in 4 years has made the choice very easy for us.

I went to my local Mart, it’s of the Wal variety. I was the talk of the town! No one could believe that I was purchasing that vacuum with the cords and weird steal-proof device. The cashier about shit herself when I got to the counter. Quite frankly, I was expecting the mayor to come out of the vision center and hand me the key to the city.

 Long story short, I have never been more in love. Today is the happiest day of my life. I’ve already broken her in and we all gazed at the gross that she picked up on her inaugural run. So, in honor of the new “lady” in my life please hold all my calls tomorrow between 9:30 and 11:30, for I will be running her like crazy. Thank you, Curtis, for helping fulfill my dreams.

All my love,

Stephanie

What time is it?

Addyson asks every 10 minutes or so what time it is. Her teacher told me she does it at school too. They say it's a good thing, I say it's a pain in my ass. Here is the conversation that just happened:

Addy: What time is it?
Me: Why do you have a date?
Addy: Yes.
Me: What time is your date?
Addy: 7:30
Me: I'll let you know when it's time for your date.
Addy: K, thanks.

That girl has her comedic timing down pat. Also, Kenzy just came in and whispered, "Addy doesn't really have a date." Oh really, thanks, Cubby.

Not Worth The File Space It's Written On.

I'm not feeling very bloggy today, so no new blog entry. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a funny story or maybe I'll get a huge check in the mail and you'll never hear from me again. Well, at least not until I run out of money. Have a great night loyal readers!

Stephanie

P.S. Yay, Rams!

Stayin' Classy!

This has been bothering me for awhile but I’m just now getting around to bitching about it. I am the Queen of putting my foot in my mouth.  If I’m talking to someone who just happens to be gay, I will use the word gay and completely offend them. Happens every time, without fail.  If we’re having a conversation, no matter your religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation, I will insult you. I won’t mean to, but trust me it will happen. Especially if I’m at a formal get together. Everyone has to laugh uncomfortably; I have to turn beet red and stumble away leaving Curtis to apologize for his insane wife.

That’s the back story, here’s the reason for it. I went to get my hair cut a few weeks ago. Living in a small dump of a town leaves you few options for your ‘do, plus it was a Sunday and most things are closed on Sunday’s in hell. Onward, to the mall I go. I guess in a small town four shops, a nail salon, a hair salon and a Subway constitutes a mall. Oh and a Sears too. Needless to say, I went to the mall hair salon. It is not a franchise shop, it’s owned by some lady, and I’ll assume her name is June.

June’s employees, Scissors and Comb were left in charge of the place. Comb was washing her hair in the sink when I walked into the desolate store.  Scissors took me over to the open sink and asked me how I wanted my cut and got to scrubbin’ my scalp. Fast forward to me in the chair where Scissors began the cut and continued her small talk which is now consideration, The Life and Times of Scissors.

I’m learning all about the man she loves and the child she had just 8 months ago. I also learned about her wanting to go to The Olive Garden for dinner that night since Grandma had Baby Scissors. By the sound of it, this is probably just a normal conversation. Here’s the difference with Scissors. She peppered our conversation with “Retard” and the many forms of it. “I told Mr. Scissors that he was being retarded when he was late for work. He said I just got fired; I was like what a retard. Isn’t he the retardiest?”  The stylist used retard like a drunk,  crab fisherman uses the F bomb. I was completely insulted and it just dug deeper and deeper into my skin every time she said it.

Like I said, I say stupid stuff on the regular, but I always realize it and fall all over myself to either apologize or melt into the floor. This woman must use this slur on the constant! I should have said something, but like I’ve said before, I’m tough online, but a puss in real life. I will not however be going back there, that’ll show that dumb redneck!

Friday Wal-Mart Post - EARLY

WAL-MART CUSTOMERS - WE SALUTE YOU!

The customers of Wal-Mart are what make Wal-Mart so very special. So today’s post is dedicated to them! I’ve decided to make a list of my favorites! If you’re feeling feisty, print out the list and see how many of my favorites you can collect.

·         An obese person riding a motorized scooter, choosing not to obey any sort rules, these include rules of the road, rules of human civility or rules of personal hygiene.

·         A frazzled couple pushing a baby in the cart, two kids hanging on to the sides of the cart, and at least three more kids bouncing from aisle to aisle, smashing into other customers and rearranging items on the shelves. Make sure to notice the home pregnancy test in the cart, which is also filled to the brim with groceries.

·         Lady Chatterley talking away on her cell phone, oblivious to those around her. She will probably have a high pitched cackle/laugh. She will continuing talking on the phone while going through check out, making sure to scream and laugh while trying to listen to the cashier as well.

·         A woman strolling through the aisles leisurely while two small children under the age of five are tagging along, way behind. I’m talking two to three aisles away. She will holler for them from time to time and they will get to her faster than fast. She will threaten to beat their asses if they don’t stay with her, however they will saunter off while she ignores them and the process will repeat itself.

·         A gigantic man in the pasta aisle apparently talking to the spaghetti sauce. Only when he turns to put the sauce in his cart will you notice the Bluetooth in his ear. He will more than likely have on aviator sunglasses.

·         An old man with his oxygen tank in the seat of the cart. He will be sitting on the bench waiting for a prescription in the pharmacy. His cart will block the aisle you need to go down, he knows this and will pretend to be deaf when you say “Excuse me.” Sixteen times.

·         A lady obviously addicted to meth. Hair that is bleached at the ends, black at the roots, scarred face, zero to three teeth, a Tweety Bird Six Flags T-Shirt, pajama bottoms and flip flops that don’t match.

·         A pack of teenage girls giggling and trying on sunglasses, playing with the bike horns and maybe trying to purchase cigarettes.

·         A pack of teenage boys, following the pack of teenage girls. They will stay at least an aisle away but may attempt to approach the girls if the testosterone levels reach high enough.

·         An elderly woman struggling to push a cart filled with 5 big bags of cat litter and 10 cases of canned cat food.

·         A couple in their early 20’s with all Wal-Mart brand toilet paper, papers towels, soda, cheese, bread and soap in their cart. They really just could have used a hand basket to hide their shame.

·         A man in camo carrying the gun he just bought in sporting goods, a case of Dr. Pepper and some dip.

·         A teenage boy pacing back and forth down the condom aisle trying to figure out how to purchase them without dying of embarrassment or deciding if the risk to steal them and avoid interacting with the cashier is worth it.

·         A woman reading every greeting card in the exact spot you need to be in. What are the chances that you both have a quinceanera to celebrate?

·         An Amish mother and her children, who are well behaved and quiet, the exact opposite of every other child in the store.

I’m sure there are so many more variations of the common Wal-Mart customer. If I missed your favorite, please feel free to post it in the comments for all to see. No matter where your Wal-Mart is located, you can be sure to find an assembly of oddities parading through the aisles. Why do you think there is a whole site dedicated to them?

Thursday Wal-Mart Edition - Belated

Today’s Feature

Wal-Mart Vendors and Businesses In Wal-Mart

Vendors for Wal-Mart

Magazines

You never will actually see someone replace magazines; you will however see their carts filled with stacks of various magazines blocking the checkout lane. There will be plastic wrap and cashiers whispering about the magazines blocking their lanes and how they hope they never move the cart.

Register Drinks

There are two different coolers in your Wal-Mart; Coke and Pepsi. Every slot will always be filled EXCEPT for the soda or drink you desperately need to not die of thirst. I actually saw a Coke guy filling his cooler and a lady was standing in front of the Pepsi cooler and  said, “Sorry, let me move.” He honest to God said, “That’s Pepsi, they stink. Feel free to stand there and block it all day.” I smiled. I hate Pepsi too, they do stink.

Chips and the Like

These guys like to make sure they are replenishing stock at the absolute busiest time. They usually have 4 huge carts filled with boxes of chips. Each box holds 3 bags of chips, so it takes days to refill the chip aisle. This is where it gets a little rough in Wal-Mart. Old women will cut a baby if its stroller is blocking her pretzels.

Little Debbie

The guy who refills for Little Debbie looks like he just got back from cutting down trees for Ax Men. He is always in a band t-shirt, usually Cheap Trick or Led Zeppelin, jeans shorts and brown work boots. He wears a Wal-Mart name badge that says “Little Debbie”, which I find hilarious that Little Debbie hired someone with the same name or he may have changed it for the company. Now that’s what a call a company man. I pretty much know this guy’s schedule, because if I don’t get my Little Debbie Coffee Cakes, someone’s getting hurt.

Businesses within Wal-Mart

Sport Clips, Haircuts or Cutting Edge

I don’t know the actual name of the hair salon in my local Wal-Mart. I do know that the clock on their wall is 20 minutes fast. I know, because every time I walk past it, I panic that I’m so late, and then I look at my watch for the real time. To be fair, they probably got that clock at Wal-Mart and it just tells whatever time it wants. Also, the women working in the salon do not have their own hair done there. There is no way. The chemicals wafting out of there would drop a buffalo.  The only people who get any hair “job” done there are men from the local farm, elderly women who get dropped off by the retirement center’s bus and little boys whose dad works on the farm.

WoodFairy Bank

I don’t think that’s the name of the bank, but who really cares; it’s a Wal-Mart bank. These people love to stand with the greeter on a busy Saturday and jam ridiculous flyers in my face about opening a new checking account. Or a flyer that is announcing a cute baby contest, stupid pet contest or guess how old these mints on the counter are contest. They always have balloons for your idiot kids to scream for then immediately release them into the air as soon as you walk outside the building. The tellers are so happy to be there and want to cash your check for you. Whatever they’re on, I want some, as long as it’s not too expensive. It is Wal-Mart, so it’ll be cheap, but it won’t last too long.

Blimpos, Subbies or Wally Subs

These chain restaurants take up space that could be selling clearance items at over-inflated prices. Instead they pop corn constantly and force parents to shut their stupid kids up by purchasing some corn they popped last week. Apparently the fresh corn is thrown away every night; they only use it for the smells to enrage children. Oh and I think they sell sandwiches, I don’t know.

Nail Salon

These nail salons don’t really have the market covered yet, do they? Every town I’ve lived in has had more nail salons than children. So I guess it was logical to share some space with Wal-Mart. I guess I can see their point, most of the “women” who shop at Wal-Mart need to have some strange design air-brushed on their fingertips every few weeks. Thank you Vietnamese Nail Technicians, for filling a niche.

The Most Beautiful Name...Stephanie

Whenever I see contestant’s names on reality type shows, I get so excited if I see my name is shared with some tool on TV. Am I the only one who does this? I mean, it’s probably no big deal to someone with a common name like Jennifer or Michael, but what about everyone else with awesome names. Sadly though whenever someone is name Stephanie they usually have most of the following traits:

·         Obese

·         One eye is usually higher than the other (Sometimes her ears are crooked.)

·         Severe acne

·         Mustache

·         Mentally challenged

·         Terrible fashion sense

·         Probably smells

The beautiful model that practices law and reads to children is never named Stephanie. Stephanie’s are always some sort of bridge troll. What up with dat?

Wednesday Wal-Mart Post

Today’s Feature

Customer Service, Greeters, Cart Wranglers

Customer Service

The customer service center has on average 35 registers and 34 Lane Closed Signs up at all times. The worker in this station has keys on stretchy key chains all the way up her arms. Occasionally you may be randomly chosen to have your transaction audited and a key is needed. It will be inserted into the register by a service center worker who will then stare at the screen press the same button 16 times, grouse, turn the key again, repeat the process then walk away. Who knows what the heck just happened, just sign that slip, get your in store credit card and walk away slowly.

The actual center will be filled to the brim with returns of broken coffee makers, ugly comforters, bruised apples and ripped open DVD player boxes, that more than likely do not hold the correct DVD player. No one ever restocks anything, they just keep adding to the pile. One day a customer service worker will be missing and I’ll make sure to point to the pile and suggest it is ground zero.

Greeters

There are three different types of Wal-Mart greeters:

Elderly

If you catch the elderly greeter on a good day, they treat you like the favorite grandchild. They smile and wish you well. They’ll even get your cart for you. If you have a return, they make small talk while the sticker is printing.

If you caught them on any other day, they will ignore you like the hated grandchild. They look away like you never thanked them for the $20 dollars they put in your birthday card. Forget getting a sticker for that return, you better head over to the other entrance pal-o, Grandpa is in no mood for you today!

Child-Like Adults

This greeter at first glance appears to be a very tall child. He usually has his pants hiked up like Urkel held a seminar in fashion for him. His hair is either scruffy or it is neatly held together with way too much gel. There will certainly be glasses, metal of course, he can’t put contacts in because the solution may damage his comics while turning pages. He will not make eye contact because girls make him nervous and guys are scary. He has to hold the return gun way too close to his face to read it. He is a nice kid, just frightened to hell and way to awkward to be a cashier.

Crazy People

This greeter can be found pacing back and force between the sensors near the doors. He giggles when he makes the doors open. He seems to like when they open with his magic powers. My crazy Wal-Mart greeter spoke with an Italian accent then one day, he said hello to me in a Squiggy voice. (If you don’t know that reference, go ask your parents, maybe your grandparents.) So either he really is a whack job, or he had a stroke. I just change my own accent when I talk to him; it’s a sign of solidarity. Us nut jobs have to stick together!

Cart Wranglers

Young Teenage Boy

Middle Age Man working a second job.

Handicapped Employee – Our handicapped cart wrangler is probably the hardest worker at Wal-Mart. He follows you to your car, helps you load your groceries and takes your cart for you. All without being asked too. He’s happy to be there, no one else is. He works in the burning summer and the snowy winters. He likes to ask about your family and if you’re wearing a Cardinals shirt, he’ll tell you all about the time he went to the old Busch stadium and how much he wants to go to the new one.

If I’m ever able too, I want to buy some tickets for him and his family to go. That guy works so hard every day and seems to actually love it. I watch him walk around the store and everyone says hello to him. At first I was a little bothered by the constant attention he shows me, but I’ve learned to appreciate that he takes the time to help me out. So the very least I can do is talk about the stinking Cardinals and tell him to make sure to stay cool when it’s so hot he’s covered in sweat.

He is the reason I continue to shop at Wal-Mart. I have to check on him every day and make sure he’s having a nice one.

See, I can be nice from time to time.

The saga continues tomorrow…

Oh, I’m sorry was I standing on your foot?

I cannot stand when the people around me are oblivious to life happening around them. While standing in line, I am usually waiting for the person in front of me to move 3 feet forward so I can start unloading my cart. Nope, they’d rather wait until the cashier hits total and then they can start deciding how they feel like paying. Only after they’ve paid and taken the time to go over the receipt, put their change into the correct wallet compartment and look through as many bags as it takes to make sure they were charged accordingly will they move.

Now, I’m in a race with the cashier to get the crap outta my cart faster than she can scan it. I have a little OCD with how I like to put my items on the belt, when I don’t have those 30 seconds to arrange everything perfectly; I have a major panic attack. Then I get to deal with the d-bag behind me shoving his cart up my ass while I unload. That or I have his kids pawing at my ice cream bars. Back it up, jerkoff.

I went to the cable company the other day to exchange our modem. I have literally 10 minutes to complete this task. Every time I pass this little Charter office, I never see any customers. This time, I wrangle the twins past Grandpa Wrinkles in the convertible and hustle them inside were I find Grandma Wrinkles deep into conversation with the single employee discussing her and Grandpa Wrinkles last vacation. 

Meanwhile, the twins are hanging off of ceiling, pulling down every movie poster and picking up some weird phone stuck on the wall with a cord! (A CORD! Is it 1985?) So rather than move it along, Grandma leans on the counter and dangles her shoe off of her foot while jacking her jaw. Grandpa runs in and says, “Make sure you find out about Internet. Ask lots of questions!”

I about lost my shit. I said, “Let’s go girls.” And they said, “Why?” I said, “I don’t have time to listen to bullshit, let’s roll.” Grandma didn’t even flinch. That old bag almost got her wig knocked off. I don’t like confrontations, at all. I talk big on the Interwebs, but I really hate to stand up for myself in the real world. I never make a scene; I usually tuck my tail and sneak away. But living in the town that apparently breeds rude, inconsiderate hillbillies has changed me. Hopefully for the better!

Later, there will be another installment of the Wal-Mart Chronicles! Tonight will delve into the Customer Service, Greeters and Cart Wranglers. Stay tuned!

Wal-Mart Department Worker

Today’s Feature

Department Workers

Pharmacy

This department is filled with middle aged women who act as techs. They assume they’re better than cashiers but not as highfalutin as a vision care tech. There is one elderly male pharmacist with a head full of white hair and eyebrows so long, you could braid them into the white ear hair. You’ll usually find one or two techs in their early 20’s working towards becoming a real live pharmacist. They will soon discover that it appears to take well over 50 years to gain this title. There is always at least 10 staff members working at a time, yet none of them are able to check out any one that is brave enough to reach the counter.

Watch them closely and you’ll see they’ll be exhibiting one of three “jobs”

1. Looking confused at a computer screen, rapidly tapping buttons in a bizarre pattern.

2. Pretending to talk on the phone to a “customer”. They also may appear to be randomly pressing buttons on the phone.

3. Wandering aimlessly through rows and rows of pharmaceuticals, like all of a sudden they can’t remember the alphabet.

The elderly pharmacist is probably sitting over at the blood pressure machine napping if you don’t see him behind the counter. Sure they have $4 generic drugs, but isn’t it worth the extra dollar to go to Walgreens?  

Garden Center

This is an elusive department. There are two registers set up back there, though they appear to never be operational. This worker is a lonely breed, as there is never more than one of them scheduled to work at a time. When working they are either found at the garden entrance making sure every $3 bag of sand has a matching receipt or they are arranging seasonal items 6 months prior to the holiday date. When you spot this worker step  lively and speak in low voices, they aren’t used to visitors to often!

Paint and Hardware

This department is usually run by a middle aged man who probably owned his own handyman company at one time but was forced to take up the minimum wage job once he closed his doors. He offers zero help and will never be found at the paint counter but usually dodging customers by strolling over to automotive or sporting goods to talk “shop” with the other males in the store. You can tell the paint department worker by the colorful shades of paint splattered all over their arms and clothes. Also, they will have at least one fingertip covered in paint at all times.

Automotive

If you’re forced to use Wal-Mart Auto, you’re in for a real treat! The person greeting you, I use the term greeting loosely, will be covered in grease although you’ll never see them working on a vehicle, just standing at the counter typing in mysterious codes to help you figure out the right wiper blade. Perhaps oil is part of the uniform for the auto department? You will rarely ever speak to the actual mechanics, but rest assured, they’ve probably royally screwed up your vehicle!

Sporting Goods

I don’t venture into this department…EVER. I have no need for camo covered anything. I also don’t need orange cones, a rifle or a fishing pole. But if I did, I would step up to the glass counter and talk to the hillbilly handing out the hunting licenses. If I can find him, I think he is usually in a camo vest talking to some other yahoo in a racecar shirt and trucker hat. I’ll see you chumps over in toys.

Toys

I’ve never seen a worker in toys. I’ve seen stock people during Christmas time, which is in May, I think. And I know when you want to buy a bike you have to hit a button on a post and some cart wrangler huffs and puffs his way over to rip the bike off of that ridiculous torture rack it’s stored on. I imagine they have some sort of fairy restock the department, because I’ve never really seen one.

Electronics

These jack holes think we are inconveniencing them by trying to get help with a 100” flat screen plasma. But if you buy a video game, they’ll try to push that $15 service plan for a $30 game. Electronic workers have a clubhouse, called checkout. They all huddle together there by the pay as you go phones. They’re whispering and pretending I’m not standing there burning holes into their greasy heads waiting for them to at the very least acknowledge me. “Oh I can open the cases with this key I’m wearing on a lanyard around my neck. I’m so much better than you.” Newsflash, you work at Wal-Mart.

Shoes, Baby Clothes and Pet Items

See Toys above.

Grocery and Deli

Deli workers are pissed because they have people yelling at them over the noise of the slicers and bubbling oil. Add in the extreme heat, it’s got to be at least 120 degrees back there. Hey that’s free sweat in your salami and potato salad. The other grocery workers restock with heads down. They despise begin asked if there are anymore beef ribs in the back. We all know when they’re back there supposedly searching for my meat (haha) they are actually behind the store smoking. Jerks.

Bakery

In the bakery, the “bakers” talk to customers like they’re mentally challenged. Sorry, I don’t know how much cake to order for 13 people. Give me a little help here. Yes I looked through the book, I want the Spongebob cake. Just make it say, Happy Birthday. Of course this means I’ll get a Batman cake with Happy Bar Mitzvah on it. The bakery department  likes to start shutting down the bakery two to three hours before actual closing hours. They don’t want to be bothered making a note with your cake order when it’s so close to clocking out. You’re just making baked goods not finding a cure for cancer. Go get me a bag of frosting!

Sorry for the excessively long post. I even skipped a few departments and look how long this turned out to be. Tomorrow the Wal-Mart exposé continues…

Back to School, Back to School

Happy Birthday to my lovely sister-in-law, Jen! Hopefully she’ll read this!

I can only imagine what the afternoon holds for me after the ridiculous morning in this house.  Kenzy and I descended the stairs together. Upon reaching the bottom step she turns to me and screamed, “I have blood coming out of my NOSE!” So we rush off to make a tourniquet for her head. I told her to keep it pinched because she couldn’t get ready for school until it stopped. While everyone else is finishing breakfast and getting dressed, she’s walking around leaving drops of blood all over the house. It looked like a butcher shop floor in here. Once the well ran dry, she was good to go.

I moved on to brush Addyson’s hair where I find half a tube of toothpaste being used as some sort of hair decoration. This is 5 minutes before we need to leave for school. So, I had to jam her head under the faucet in the kitchen and scrub the mint out. She was terrified, as she’s never been cleaned like a head of lettuce in the sink. She still looked pretty ragged but I ponyed her head and said screw it, mommy needs you in school, post haste.

Final note, when I got the twins out of the car, Kenzy looked like she murdered someone with her bare hands. I had to rush her into the bathroom at school to scrub away all traces of blood. Like I need to have the teachers question my sanity any more than they already do!

If anything awesome or funny happens this afternoon, I’ll be sure to keep you all updated! Don’t forget to check back later this evening for the second BONUS post dedicated to Wal-Mart Department workers! Holla~

BONUS POST - Wal-Mart Edition

I decided that in honor of my second home, Wal-Mart, I’m going to do a little expose of sorts. I’ll do some basic rundowns of the people I encounter at my local Wally World. This week will include a daily BONUS post of my essays on the subject. See if you can spot the similarities between my local store and yours. Fair warning, these bonus posts will be very long. I have a lot to say about Wal-Mart, I don’t know if I’ve made that evident in my Facebook status at any time.

Today’s Feature

The Cashier

The Talker

She wants to talk about her life with you. She wants to discuss every product you bought. “Why did you choose that brand of paper towels? Do you want this candy bar left out, I could put it in the same bag as your greeting cards if you’d prefer. Whose birthday is it? That’s neat. Did you know I get off work at 6, can I come to the party with you? That’s okay; I have to catch the bus anyhow. I love being on the bus, you get to talk to so many characters on there. I’m really popular on the bus. They clap and give me a standing ovation when I get off at my stop. Thanks for shopping Wal-Mart, see you soon. Stay in touch.”

The Elderly Woman

She just celebrated her 103^rd birthday! She is shaking violently because of the, ya know, age.  If she scanned your milk any slower, you’d get a discount on the yogurt she made. Elderly woman jumps in and out of memories. She will probably call you one of her great-grandchild’s names at least once during your timely ordeal.  She will pass each item over the scanner 6 to 7 times unable to find the barcode. Once it’s found, she will repeat the process over and over. You will ALWAYS find this lovely lady at the express lane…that’s a promise.

The Teenager

She’s just here to make some money for her iTunes or Texties or whatever it is kids today have to pay for. In my youth it was a pager bill, so sad. Anyhow, she is pretty upbeat and usually has a chipper smile plastered on her pink lemonade colored lips. She’s more than likely popping some gum. Kids do love gum! She’s not too hard to deal with, she will probably make you feel extremely old and ugly, the complete opposite of her.

The Emo Teenager

She or he, sometimes I can’t tell, is super pissed to be ringing up us posers. There is always a face piercing and black eyeliner, no matter the gender. They will have the usual uniform, dark blue shirt and khaki pants, but most certainly there will be a hoodie on with crossbones or vials of poison screen printed in some bizarre pattern. They won’t make eye contact and will most definitely fold their arms in a huff while you get your payment ready. Be careful or they may just break down in tears if you try to make small talk.

The Ridiculous Bagger – This is sectioned into two parts:

The Overuser

This cashier loves to use plastic bags. She will put shampoo in one bag and conditioner in another. Never will more than one item share a bag with anothe. When you go to load your vehicle just start jamming bags inside of other bags, bread and eggs be damned. On the flip side, you have

The Underuser

This cashier is sure to pack all of the canned goods into one flimsy plastic bag. Heck, if you got items encased in glass that goes in the bag with all your canned peaches! Never one to double bag, she will set your gallon of milk directly onto your bread. The Overuser and the underuser need to have a little one on one time together to work towards becoming the perfect bagger.

The Perfect Bagger

It’s rare, but my Wal-Mart has a Perfect Bagger. Her name is Carol and when I see she’s working, I’ll stand in her line like I’m a 12 year old girl waiting to see Justin Bieber blow…his nose. Carol is what my cashier dreams are made of. She’s quick and she packs a mean bag. Boxes are arranged like flowers. Eggs and bread are packed with love like a newborn in her mother’s arms. Carol is pleasant, makes nice friendly small talk and gets that change like a pro. Carol is what other cashiers should aim to be. I salute you, Carol at the Mount Vernon Wal-Mart. Gosh I hope she reads this!

I would be remiss if I didn’t include, or at least mention, the following cashiers:

The Floater – Replaces those on break. I am always the person waiting for the floater to finish signing into the register and putting her clear wallet in place. She usually also must get her stick pad ready for finger moistening and a few stretches in as well.

The Angry Middleager – She’s pissed that she’s in her 40’s and is a cashier at Wal-Mart. She’s angry and she’s taking it out on your fruit.

The Only Guy – My Wal-Mart has one gentleman cashier. If you catch him at his shift start, he’s really nice and happy. If you catch him at clock out time, you may as well take your chances with any other cashier. This dude is getting out of here and doesn’t handle your bread with kid gloves. (If you know what I mean and if you’re reading my blog, you do!)

Okay, I think I covered the main cashiers at my Wal-Mart. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s bonus post I think I’ll tackle department workers. Peace!

Happy Temper Tantrum Day!

You'd think that having a Monday off of school and being able to stay up a little later the previous night, my children would be pleasant today on the most sacred of all the holidays, Columbus Day. Or at least not have to be yelled at on their day off of school. This morning I was forced to hit the stupid snooze button 465 times because Curtis wanted "just five more minutes" of his beauty sleep. Unlike the children, he and I were forced to work today. Any how, I finally kicked him outta bed and went peacefully back to my slumber.

At 6:30 am, our soon to be adopted out son was running through the house asking for breakfast. This is even earlier than when we get up for school days. This kid is INSANE. So I played opossum until I could hear him settle down and play some sort of karate game on my laptop. I knew that would keep him busy for a few hours.

Then I was finally forced awake by terrorists that looked eerily similar to my three daughters. Addyson was doing her normal whine, Kenzy scrambled out from under my bed, where she has their "hideout". And Alexis, sweet, Alexis! She came into my room with bowls of cereal for all of her siblings. She really is an amazing daughter. She knows when it's time to hustle the others out of my wrath and she'll even replace TP when needed. So I was quite surprised when she had a breakdown this afternoon.

We were watching Judge Joe Brown, duh, it's a weekday! So, we're watching that and she starts mumbling about being bored and wanting some craft supplies. I begged her to go find something to do...be a kid. Go.Play. Play something, play anything, just stop the whining! Instead, Kenzy started ribbing her and that was it. All hell broke lose. Alexis said I (ME) don't understand anything and began sobbing. I told her to go into her room to get the tears out. (I can't stand crying, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Hate it!) So she heaved a huge sob, stomped up the stairs and...SLAMMED HER DOOR. SLAMMED.HER.DOOR.
SLAMMED
HER
DOOR.

If I did that, my mother would have teleported to my room, kicked the door open and maybe popped me upside the head. Me on the other hand, ignored it. So about 5 minutes later she came back downstairs and asked if I loved her. I said, "Of course." And the Great Temper Tantrum of 2010 has (hopefully) ended. And just in time for our annual Akerman Columbus Day Pancake Dinner.

Happy Columbus Day! Happy Temper Tantrum Day!

The FULL Sunday Post

Okay, the picture I posted below in the previous post is what I found on the Akerman Saturday Walk, yesterday. I assume it is some sort of pod from a tree. While walking I about broke my neck and twisted my ankle by stepping on this mammoth freak of nature. I picked it up and Curtis and I laughed so hard we were doubled over in pain. This happens a lot with us, apart we're pretty funny, together, we're hilarious. So anyhow, we had lots of laughs and made many vulgar cracks. Then Curtis said to make sure it was brought home and photographed for my blog. So I hope you enjoyed this episode of Sunday Sillies!

Now on to my favorite part of Sunday...FOOTBALL! First up, my beloved Rams. I was worried last week knowing that we were going to be taking on the Lions. I knew their time to break the losing streak was upon us. The Rams were getting way too much hype from the 2 consecutive wins. I don't think they were cocky themselves, but you could feel the excitement in STL this week. It's been great, but I knew something was wrong. They certainly didn't put their best feet forward, but that's okay. There's always next week and our division stinks! So maybe we have a chance?!

HOW BOUT THEM RAIDERS?! This game was so exciting and fun and AWESOME! Of course we got hit with lots of BS penalties, but they pulled out the win. It was especially fun to hear the crowd chant "Bullshit" after a particularly bad call. So tonight, I salute you, Silver and Black and I dedicate this in honor of my personal Raider - Curtis!

I also wanted to say YEAH to the following:

Kansas City for losing!

T.O. for getting a TD!

I need to add some BOOS too:

Cowboys need to get it together.

Jeff Fischer's Mustache - Well, his whole face really, he's such a d-bag.

A Pre-Post Post

I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be posting late on Sundays due to my grueling schedule of watching football all day. But I will be online once we've finished watching our Raiders play on Tivo. Of course it'll interrupt my Sunday night football game, but I'll get through it.


Please enjoy the "thingy" I found on the Akerman Saturday Walk yesterday, that was briefly mentioned in yesterdays post. Feel free to post your vulgar messages in the comments section to get that yucky image outta yer brains! Don't be scurrred (scared to all of my older readers, me included)! Be back later, peeps!

This ^ was found by me.

Curtis and I had many laughes over it and hope you can share it with your family too. Consider it my Sunday Silly for you. Great-grandmas are sure to enjoy it! Catch you later!

(Sorry for the crappy picture. I'm as good at taking pictures as I am writing comedy. GENIUS!)

Where did Saturday go?

Hello my readers! (That means mostly you,Shay!) Sorry I won't have much of a post today. We had an Akerman Family Saturday. This consisted of a walk with a few yard sales mixed in, yard work, a dip in an ice cold pool (not me, my idiot family) and finally ends with me catching up on the Housewives of Hotltana that has been calling my name all week. (Finally watched Bad Girls Club today, too, those little girls are crazy!)

Any how, tomorrow I'll do a full post on the happenings of the weekend. Hopefully something post worthy will happen. I do have a great picture to share with the world tomorrow of something I found on our walk today. It will rock your socks. By that I mean, it's crazy, weird and funny. So stay tuned and I'll check y'all on the flip-flop.

P.S. Go Rams and Raiders tomorrow, woot, woot!
P.S.S. I think I may start doing some sort of recap on my favorite shows. I got lots to say about these people. Just wanted to make a note to remind myself. Please pretend like this was a secret message to me. Carry on.

Night!

A List

Things I Hate*:

• People who flick their “butts” out the window. Nasty filthy pigs.
• Improper use of grammar i.e. Your, you’re, there, their and they’re.
• Kiwi in my mixed fruit salad. Vile fruit.
• Being asked for a drink 782 times a day by Addyson.
• Hearing the same 7 songs replayed over and over on the radio, usually at the same time on various channels. Nothing is “Dynomite” or “Bulletproof”. “I’m Not Afraid” to be “Riding Solo”, but I do “Love the Way You Lie” about your “Teenage Dream,” “California Gurls!”
• Macarena themed Snuggie commercial.
• Chain letter style statuses on Facebook. If you have a donkey that was abused by Chilean sea bass fisherman while on vacation in Spain, repost this. I bet 95% of you won’t.
• That buying a new printer is generally cheaper than buying color ink for the printer you already have.
• Driving in Mount Vernon, where old people come to die, because Florida is too far away.
• My crooked ears.
• Being attacked while on the computer by Tim the cat by shoving random objects off of the armoire onto my head.
• Finding a dirty dish 10 minutes after I started the dishwasher.
• That if you don’t clean the pan immediately after making scrambled eggs, you might as well throw the pan away, cause that crap ain’t coming off.
• That people on Judge Joe Brown, call him Judge Joe Brown. No other court show follows this.

This last one will probably tick a lot of people off, but that’s life!

• I HATE breast cancer awareness and any sort of donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. We get it, breast cancer is real and it needs a cure. Why do we ignore other cancers? Other body parts are affected by cancer too, ya know. Is it because it involves boobs? That’s what Curtis says. I get that brains, pancreases, and lymph nodes aren’t as sexy as a boob, but I’d like to find a cure for those cancers too.

You’ve got enough cash Susan, let some other department have a go at it. I do not buy ANYTHING that has the pink ribbon on it or the words Susan G. Komen. It burns my ass when I see anything pertaining to breast cancer and breast cancer awareness. My family knows how I feel and they support me. Sometimes they joke about it, Curtis bought cat food once with the stupid pink banner on it and I almost clocked him with it. I denounce it all! FYI, I will not be asking Facebook to go pink. Oh and I also hate that football teams are wearing pink, way to be sheep!

*This is just what I could pull out of my ass without much thought. Imagine what I could do if I really thought hard about it! (Not enough space on the Interwebs!)

Elderly Sightseeing Tour of Mount Vernon, Illinois

Join the Elderly Sightseeing Tour of Mount Vernon, Illinois

Oh it's great! We want every elderly person who has a driver's license (heck, we'll even take those who don't, it's your special day!) to get out in droves today! We want no carpooling - one elderly person per car please! Next we'll all start out at our houses and then start driving! Drive anywhere! Try to get lost! Getting lost allows you to drive as slow as possible while trying to peer over the steering wheel to make out street signs!

Hey, slow down there hot foot! The speed limit is 35, if you go over 25, you're missing all of the other people in the world screaming at you! You wanna see that, don't you? You may see one of your great-grandchildren scooting past you on their Big Wheel! Hi, Timmy!

If you notice a line of cars behind you a mile long, you doing it perfectly! Don't let them pass you, that's letting the man win! Also, if you need to make a left turn 5 miles down the road, don't delay, get that blinker going now! You can never be too safe! Once you've made the turn, better get that signal back on, we want to make sure everyone in your radius knows you may or may not turn before you die! Enjoy all the honking...it's a salute to the sightseeing tour, be sure to wave to your fans!

Once you've driven around aimlessly for hours, it's time to stop at the grocery store for dinner items! Make sure to drive your cart on the wrong side of the aisle, this isn't a street you know! Make sure to ask random people around you, questions about Depends and why Lipton Ice Tea Bags are different from the original Lipton Tea Bags.

Once you've crawled to the register with 58 items, make sure to use the express lane! They have the smallest space to jam your sundries on! And certainly don't put the bags in your cart yourself, those cashiers need to earn that minimum wage!

Please remember once the cashier is ready for payment, that you need to dig down into your duffle-bag style purse for coupons that expired in the stone age. Be prepared to argue with the cashier, manager and all of the fools behind you! And finally once that's over, then dig out your checkbook and ask to borrow a pen. Then foolishly forget the date, the store and your name! Keep em on their toes! Now that you're done with the groceries, repeat the sightseeing portion to get back home! Try not to die!

Guess what I did today?!