Today’s Feature
Department Workers
Pharmacy
This department is filled with middle aged women who act as techs. They assume they’re better than cashiers but not as highfalutin as a vision care tech. There is one elderly male pharmacist with a head full of white hair and eyebrows so long, you could braid them into the white ear hair. You’ll usually find one or two techs in their early 20’s working towards becoming a real live pharmacist. They will soon discover that it appears to take well over 50 years to gain this title. There is always at least 10 staff members working at a time, yet none of them are able to check out any one that is brave enough to reach the counter.
Watch them closely and you’ll see they’ll be exhibiting one of three “jobs”
1. Looking confused at a computer screen, rapidly tapping buttons in a bizarre pattern.
2. Pretending to talk on the phone to a “customer”. They also may appear to be randomly pressing buttons on the phone.
3. Wandering aimlessly through rows and rows of pharmaceuticals, like all of a sudden they can’t remember the alphabet.
The elderly pharmacist is probably sitting over at the blood pressure machine napping if you don’t see him behind the counter. Sure they have $4 generic drugs, but isn’t it worth the extra dollar to go to Walgreens?
Garden Center
This is an elusive department. There are two registers set up back there, though they appear to never be operational. This worker is a lonely breed, as there is never more than one of them scheduled to work at a time. When working they are either found at the garden entrance making sure every $3 bag of sand has a matching receipt or they are arranging seasonal items 6 months prior to the holiday date. When you spot this worker step lively and speak in low voices, they aren’t used to visitors to often!
Paint and Hardware
This department is usually run by a middle aged man who probably owned his own handyman company at one time but was forced to take up the minimum wage job once he closed his doors. He offers zero help and will never be found at the paint counter but usually dodging customers by strolling over to automotive or sporting goods to talk “shop” with the other males in the store. You can tell the paint department worker by the colorful shades of paint splattered all over their arms and clothes. Also, they will have at least one fingertip covered in paint at all times.
Automotive
If you’re forced to use Wal-Mart Auto, you’re in for a real treat! The person greeting you, I use the term greeting loosely, will be covered in grease although you’ll never see them working on a vehicle, just standing at the counter typing in mysterious codes to help you figure out the right wiper blade. Perhaps oil is part of the uniform for the auto department? You will rarely ever speak to the actual mechanics, but rest assured, they’ve probably royally screwed up your vehicle!
Sporting Goods
I don’t venture into this department…EVER. I have no need for camo covered anything. I also don’t need orange cones, a rifle or a fishing pole. But if I did, I would step up to the glass counter and talk to the hillbilly handing out the hunting licenses. If I can find him, I think he is usually in a camo vest talking to some other yahoo in a racecar shirt and trucker hat. I’ll see you chumps over in toys.
Toys
I’ve never seen a worker in toys. I’ve seen stock people during Christmas time, which is in May, I think. And I know when you want to buy a bike you have to hit a button on a post and some cart wrangler huffs and puffs his way over to rip the bike off of that ridiculous torture rack it’s stored on. I imagine they have some sort of fairy restock the department, because I’ve never really seen one.
Electronics
These jack holes think we are inconveniencing them by trying to get help with a 100” flat screen plasma. But if you buy a video game, they’ll try to push that $15 service plan for a $30 game. Electronic workers have a clubhouse, called checkout. They all huddle together there by the pay as you go phones. They’re whispering and pretending I’m not standing there burning holes into their greasy heads waiting for them to at the very least acknowledge me. “Oh I can open the cases with this key I’m wearing on a lanyard around my neck. I’m so much better than you.” Newsflash, you work at Wal-Mart.
Shoes, Baby Clothes and Pet Items
See Toys above.
Grocery and Deli
Deli workers are pissed because they have people yelling at them over the noise of the slicers and bubbling oil. Add in the extreme heat, it’s got to be at least 120 degrees back there. Hey that’s free sweat in your salami and potato salad. The other grocery workers restock with heads down. They despise begin asked if there are anymore beef ribs in the back. We all know when they’re back there supposedly searching for my meat (haha) they are actually behind the store smoking. Jerks.
Bakery
In the bakery, the “bakers” talk to customers like they’re mentally challenged. Sorry, I don’t know how much cake to order for 13 people. Give me a little help here. Yes I looked through the book, I want the Spongebob cake. Just make it say, Happy Birthday. Of course this means I’ll get a Batman cake with Happy Bar Mitzvah on it. The bakery department likes to start shutting down the bakery two to three hours before actual closing hours. They don’t want to be bothered making a note with your cake order when it’s so close to clocking out. You’re just making baked goods not finding a cure for cancer. Go get me a bag of frosting!
Sorry for the excessively long post. I even skipped a few departments and look how long this turned out to be. Tomorrow the Wal-Mart exposé continues…
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