Elderly Sightseeing Tour of Mount Vernon, Illinois

Join the Elderly Sightseeing Tour of Mount Vernon, Illinois

Oh it's great! We want every elderly person who has a driver's license (heck, we'll even take those who don't, it's your special day!) to get out in droves today! We want no carpooling - one elderly person per car please! Next we'll all start out at our houses and then start driving! Drive anywhere! Try to get lost! Getting lost allows you to drive as slow as possible while trying to peer over the steering wheel to make out street signs!

Hey, slow down there hot foot! The speed limit is 35, if you go over 25, you're missing all of the other people in the world screaming at you! You wanna see that, don't you? You may see one of your great-grandchildren scooting past you on their Big Wheel! Hi, Timmy!

If you notice a line of cars behind you a mile long, you doing it perfectly! Don't let them pass you, that's letting the man win! Also, if you need to make a left turn 5 miles down the road, don't delay, get that blinker going now! You can never be too safe! Once you've made the turn, better get that signal back on, we want to make sure everyone in your radius knows you may or may not turn before you die! Enjoy all the honking...it's a salute to the sightseeing tour, be sure to wave to your fans!

Once you've driven around aimlessly for hours, it's time to stop at the grocery store for dinner items! Make sure to drive your cart on the wrong side of the aisle, this isn't a street you know! Make sure to ask random people around you, questions about Depends and why Lipton Ice Tea Bags are different from the original Lipton Tea Bags.

Once you've crawled to the register with 58 items, make sure to use the express lane! They have the smallest space to jam your sundries on! And certainly don't put the bags in your cart yourself, those cashiers need to earn that minimum wage!

Please remember once the cashier is ready for payment, that you need to dig down into your duffle-bag style purse for coupons that expired in the stone age. Be prepared to argue with the cashier, manager and all of the fools behind you! And finally once that's over, then dig out your checkbook and ask to borrow a pen. Then foolishly forget the date, the store and your name! Keep em on their toes! Now that you're done with the groceries, repeat the sightseeing portion to get back home! Try not to die!

Guess what I did today?!